resolute.

In 2008, I will attempt to start blogging again regularly. Really. And to get started, I'm going to do a questionnaire proposed by sundry, then done by Babs and my sistah and Steph, to name a few.........it also seems like a really appropriate way to close out 2007, which was a really big year for me :) So, I present to you:

Lisa's 2007

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

Soaked in an outdoor hot tub surrounded by snow and ice.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't make them, typically.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my dear friend Hope had a baby girl named Greta.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, a family friend I've known since birth passed away in October.

5. What countries did you visit?

I only traveled in the U.S. this year. Gotta fix that.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

Travel abroad, a new house.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Labor Day, 9/3 -- the day I met R.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Gosh, I really don't know. Not quitting my job in disgust?

9. What was your biggest failure?
Um. Not quitting my job in disgust?



10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A house!! Although technically, that's not official until April of this year.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Babs, for following her heart and going freelance again.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Hint: a celebrity whose name sounds like "shitney".

14. Where did most of your money go?

shoes.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Meeting R.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

"Bubbly"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?

Happier, thinner, about the same financially.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Travel.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Stress out, work long hours.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas Eve with my sister and her family; Christmas Day with my dear friends K and K.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

OMG, FINALLY!

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Grey's.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope. Same asshole. ;)

24. What was the best book you read?

"Torch" by Cheryl Strayed

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Sarah Barielle (thanks Steph!)

26. What did you want and get?

Love and acceptance.

27. What did you want and not get?

A trip abroad.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I didn't see very many. The most recent one that comes to mind is "I am Legend", which was not an Oscar winner or anything, but very interesting.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I celebrated with my friends and family in Texas, and I turned 37.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If I'd paid off every last bit of my debt once and for all.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Comfortable and warm.

32. What kept you sane?

My friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

David Beckham.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The war in Iraq.

35. Who did you miss?

My friends in Austin who I don't get to see as often as I'd like.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Robert.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.

Everything that you know can change in a matter of seconds.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Everything in its right place." - Radiohead

No time

This is a quick update just to let everyone know that I am alive. I have been extremely busy what with a week-long trip to Texas, a boyfriend, lots of work, and the arrival of winter in Colorado!! Yay!!

I have many things to say but no time to say them. There is a lot going on, most of it good, some of it not so much. But overall, I'm happy and almost deliriously happy about the onset of winter -- we had our first snow yesterday!

Ok, gotta run. But I promise, I will be back...

Filling.

I went in for a “simple” re-do of an old filling yesterday. The filling was cracked and silver and my new dentist was going to replace it with the fancy white fillings that last forever. I was actually scheduled to get both of my old fillings replaced yesterday. So imagine my surprise when it all went to hell in a handbasket and I ended up with my jaw pried open for two solid hours with two people tugging, chipping, drilling, and cursing at my poor mouth. On ONE FILLING. They only managed to replace the one due to “unforeseen complications”, so guess what? I get to go back NEXT WEEK to get the other one filled. YAY ME.

I was going to write something deep about how what we think will fulfill us might end up being more complicated than originally anticipated, or how that fulfillment night not fit right the first time and might need adjusting, and blahblahblah – but you know, I’m not feeling it, so I'm just going to leave it at this:

I hate the dentist.

Risk Assessment

Risk assessment … is measuring two quantities of the risk R, the magnitude of the potential loss L, and the probability p that the loss will occur.
-Wikipedia

I write about this every day at work. I throw the words around as selling points to potential clients – that in order to make their data centers, servers, whatevers more secure, they must first let us help them take a risk assessment in order to gauge, well, the risk. I know, rocket science.

But I’m finding that this universal measurement also applies in other areas of life, such as matters of the heart. Think about it. All of us take a risk assessment upon the initial meeting of a Person of Interest (PoI), whether it’s conscious or not. The balance is delicate and intuitive; how does the risk compare to the beats of your heart per second (hbps), measured against the tingle factor (TF) and then the all-important kiss assessment (KA)? If the last three compare favorably to the first, then you pretty much have to go for it. It is, as they say, worth the risk. But. This doesn’t minimize the fear, ohhhhh hell no. Because let’s face it, there are those of us who would choose to forgo elevated hbps, TF or KA if we could be spared a broken heart at the expense of the PoI.

So we have the power to choose; to play it safe, to protect ourselves, to prevent further emotional damage. Seems like it might even be the smart thing to do, no? Most of us have done this at one time or another. We’ve let go of something based on the probability of the loss, no matter how badly we might have wanted it. We’ve cut our losses.

But have we? Really?

These are things that have been running through my mind for the past couple of weeks. The balance, the risk, the rewards, the potential benefits. I was told by a doctor once, when I was very ill, that if I was a “risk taker” I would choose the more dangerous, medicinal route that would either save my life or kill me; or I could be timid, choose to forego the risk, and live half a life instead.

I didn't go for it then so I could wuss out now.

The Fall.

It's that time of year when the leaves are starting to turn and there is a definite chill in the air. It is Fall, and it actually feels like it, in more ways than one.

I have always loved Fall. Ever since I was 14 and fell in love for the first time, getting my first kiss, my first held hand, my first promise ring. My first high school football game, cuddled under a scratchy, musty blanket on the bleacher with a boy who made my heart pound out of my chest. Removing my retainer surreptitiously in order to kiss with tongue and not plastic. Wearing a borrowed letter jacket that smelled vaguely of smoke and teenage boy. It was so magical and powerful and new to me that I have forever associated this time of year with ... well... magic and power and newness.

But for the past [too many years to count], Fall has disappointed me. The excitement of the first cold front, the joy at pulling out the sweaters, the freedom of open windows, has been tinged with sadness and a feeling of being, well, anything but new. Year after year has gone by without the stomach butterflies I remember so well (although I can bring on simulated butterflies just by remembering the smell of my h.s. sweetheart's parents' van. mmm-hmm.)

The feeling associated with that most-special Fall of 23 years ago was hope. Blind, naive, stupid hope. The kind of hope you have before you've had your heart shredded for the first time. The kind of goofy joy you can only experience once, because after your heart has been shredded, you guard the pieces much more closely. You dole them out carefully, ever-prepared to come back around with a broom and dustpan and collect whatever might be left over from the next broken heart. And through the years, the pieces you are willing to hand out grow smaller. Consciously or not, you begin to only hand out the pieces you deem not as important, the ones you feel you can live without when they don't come back whole. Your capacity to trust is diminished, the spark of belief you used to have in the whole basic concept of love grows dim. You become convinced you will never be able to recapture that feeling of hope, that hope is for the young, for the innocent, for the careless.

But then, when you're least expecting it, when you have literally given up the silly dream of butterflies and blind hope, when you have accepted that your life will be a certain way and that's okay ------ you start to fall.

...to be continued...

honey.

Today I caught up on DVR'd shows, on-demand movies, and napping. I also watched perhaps the most depressing love story ever, "The Way We Were." If you haven't seen it, and you're sad about lost love, DO NOT watch it. Especially with wine. Trust me on this. My therapist told me a long time ago I should see it, after a hard breakup with a great guy with whom I was not meant to be with. Her point, I see now, was that sometimes you can love each other greatly, but it still isn't enough and you're still not a match. Um thanks, therapist. I'll be calling you again real soon.

Anyway.

After sobbing myself into a nice long nap, I woke up and went about my day (read: watched more movies, laundry, more sobbing). I ended up in the bathtub, as I am wont to do when feeling emotionally fragile. Which brings me to the next portion of this post: beauty reviews!! It's been a really long time, but I thought tonight was as good a time as any to review some of my fave products -- because while I haven't been blogging beauty products, I've been using beauty products. The theme of tonight's bath was Honey. Honey and its lovely, restorative, softening, swoon-inducing properties. I lurve eet. Here's what I used tonight:

• MMU's JoJo Honey Face Buff. If you have a chance to use this decadent mask, DO. It will leave your face silky soft like a baby's. Seriously. It is technically a "scrub" and has tiny little jojoba beads in it. But how I use it is I get in a hot bath, let my skin steam for a few minutes, and then apply it to my face like a mask. I then leave it on 5-15 minutes (depending on the length of my bath), then gently rub in the beads. I then rinse it off, and oila -- amazingly soft, amazing-smelling skin. It's a little sticky during the process, but sooo worth it. A little goes a long way.
• LUSH's Mange Too massage bar. OMG. This is decadent. You will smell simply edible after smoothing this along your warm, bath-soaked skin. Lush's massage bars can of course be used for massage, but hard-core Lushies know they also double as lotion. Solid lotion, if you will. Smooth one over your legs, arms, whatever, wet or dry, and it will melt upon contact just enough to leave a film of sweet-smelling moisturizer. It soaks in quickly, leaving you supple but not greasy. I like using Mange Too because it smells of -- you guessed it - honey. It is yummy beyond belief. Note: if you don't have access to a LUSH store and have to order these online, don't do so in the summer months; they will melt. If you do get a melted one, just pop it in the fridge for a few hours and it will solidify again -- it won't be as pretty, but will work just fine.

That's it for now. I am going to cuddle into my bed with a nice serial killer suspense novel and drift into a sweetly scented slumber. Tomorrow is Monday and I have to be ready for anything.

ciao for now.

technicalities

So technically, I haven't gone to bed yet, so it totally doesn't count as Saturday's post. This is Friday's post. Just so we're clear.

I just got out of a hot, milky bath in which I shaved my legs and armpits and soaked for 45 minutes in HOT WATER. Which I haven't had in TWO DAYS. That's right, this morning I still had no hot water, but my hair could not go another day. So yeah, I managed to wash my hair in an ice cold shower without getting my body wet. Determined chicks can accomplish miracles when they're cold. Anyway, I'm clean and shiny now, and my legs no longer make cricket sounds when they rub together.

So today was another sucky day at work, but there is at least a light at the end of the tunnel now. Hopefully it will work out and my soul will not continue to be slowly and agonizingly crushed. Because, damn. We sure do spend most of our lives in an office. I personally think that's messed up, but I've gotta pay the bills. One more reason to consider my running-away-to-Europe plan again in a few years... those people know how to vacation.

The point of this pointless post is that I really have no point. I do want to rub in, however, that I currently have my windows open and a cool breeze is wafting in. LOVE.

That is all.

missed a day...

what are you gonna do -- fire me?

heh.

Seriously though. Yesterday was wretched and i feared what venom would pour forth from my fingers if I attempted to blog. So I didn't.

Today, however. Today sucked even WORSE, but is still a bit more blogworthy. My first clue that the day was going terribly awry was when I stepped into the shower and it was ICE COLD. That was not a nice way to start off, especially with the first crisp morning in months -- it was in the high 50s this morning, and the cold water was not appreciated. After calling the office to bitch about it, I was told that "oh yeah, they're doing some repairs to [my building] and it **should** be fixed today." Honestly? I'm greasy and weary but too afraid to try the water again just yet. I mean, what if it's still cold? Do I really want to end my day in the same unpleasant way in which it began? Really?

Then I went to work (with dirty hair) and had all the same drama to deal with. It was exhausting. I realized around 1 that I had a horrible headache, but I had a meeting at 1:30 to prepare for and I just couldn't bring myself to take 5 minutes and heat up my lunch. So guess what? This is so amazingly thoughtful, I almost cried. I felt my friend G walk up and set something down by my elbow -- and it was my lunch. That she had taken from the freezer (we have to label everything) and heated up for me. Just because. It tasted much better than it would have had I heated it up myself, that's for sure.

By the time the day ended, my head still hurt and I was cranky and exhausted -- but knew if I came straight home I would nap on the couch until like 11 and then be up all night. So instead I grabbed some pizza and headed over to my friend K's house, where we ate dinner and watched extra episodes of the now-defunct "Six Degrees" on the internet. And she kindly listened to my entire work rant from start to finish, not even chiming in once about how much she adores her job. Well, until I asked her. I needed to hear something positive, what can I say.

Finally I got home about 30 minutes ago. It's nice and cool outside again, so I was going around the house opening windows, when I saw them: the iPod earbuds. Strewn out in the middle of the floor. The same iPod earbuds my friend CrazyMomcat and I had searched for for at least half an hour before her flight Sunday. She knew she had put them somewhere obvious, but they were gone gone gone. The same earbuds she had to replace at Best Buy before her flight out. And it's been four days, and now they suddenly appear in the middle of the living room -- hmmm, I WONDER WHICH CAT THIEF MIGHT HAVE BEEN HOARDING THE EAR BUDS?
HMMMM?

Day two and counting

Well I committed to posting every day this week, but wow. It's hard. I should have known this, because it's why I haven't been posting regularly in the first place, but still.

um.


I have nothing to share. I'm so sorry. I'm sitting on my couch with my boyfriend Jess purring just inches from my face. Oh wait - now he's draped one arm casually over the laptop. I think he's trying to communicate that he's sleepy -- well so am I. But for some reason my mind is like "but it's only midnight. you still have time to take a bath! or do a load of laundry! so many things!" while my body is all "sleep. must. have. sleep. beautiful, restorative sleeeeeeeep." Yes, the inner conflict rages on.

However, tonight, I will succumb to the sleepy. And i'll work on having more interesting thoughts tomorrow, mmm-kay?

feeling profound

I am in a heightened state of awareness for some reason, on this typical Monday night, at the end of a nothing-special Mon-day. I suppose some would argue that every day is special. And yes, I suppose that is true. But if I thought about that too much i'd get all depressed about how my life is trickling away, moment by moment, wasted in a cubicle in a building overlooking the mountains, which is where my soul really should be. I mean, really. But you know, my soul is much closer than it was a year ago; baby steps.

It was very hard to go to work today without feeling a certain amount of bitterness. I had a carefree weekend with a dear friend from Texas, a weekend of deep thoughts, catching up, and silly shopping. It was a whirlwind, but a happy whirlwind, but I was not happy to return to "real life" today. And when I got to work, there was another issue there that promised to, and did in fact, make my day unpleasant. Actually, a person. Someone with whom I must collaborate, but who seems to make mistakes like they were going out of style--and each mistake has the potential to make my job just a little bit harder than it already is. This breeds bitterness, and oh, how bitter I have been. Yet I have felt shitty about feeling bitter about this person. Because nobody is perfect, we all mess up, who knows what's going on in this person's personal life that's making this person totally screw up at work, blahblahblah -- and I feel selfish for my attitude over the past couple of weeks and my mounting frustration. Even while I am suffering guilt for this, I am still simmering, annoyed. So as you might imagine, work is not my happy place right now. Not even close.

But hey - at least I have a mountain view from my small, gray cubicle.

[not bitter not bitter not bitter not bitter]

In other news, I rediscovered a blog by an author I greatly admire and she has been up to all kinds of deep thoughts lately. She has been writing about issues that are touching me in ways I haven't been touched in a while. I got caught up for about an hour just digging through her archives of the past few months, and rediscovering why I love her writing in the first place. She's a bit more "out there" than I am, but her approach fascinates me. She is definitely on a journey and it's damn interesting to read about. Anyway. It may not be your cup of tea, but I was in the right kind of introspective mood to absorb it tonight.

By mountain time, I am still under the Monday deadline for D's week-long blogging challenge, so yay for me! And yay for D for encouraging us to get to thinking and to get blogging again.

Score.

I can't help it -- I'm still riding the incredible high of finding a diamond in the pile of coal that is the Ross shoe department. Oh, it happens now and then; my sistah has had more luck finding treasures there than I have. But tonight I became a believer. I found these boots (in black). For $19.99. OMG. They're so beautiful, so leathery, so funky. And so 80% off their normal price!!! A deal like this is found maybe once a season. Maybe. Last year I found The Deal unknowingly, on, haha, another pair of black boots. But they were totally different. They were. {shut up.}

Anyway, I can't get over the rush I have had for a few hours now. This led me to consider how incredibly sad it is that shopping gave me the biggest high I've had all week, since I went white water rafting last Friday. That's right. I said WHITE WATER RAFTING. Me, Lisa, the lifelong water-phobe. And it was fun, really fun!! I will post pics soon. You have to see 'em to believe 'em. The best I can do right now is to show you the post-rafting feast, where me and my pals ate what were possibly the best cheeseburgers in the world. Evah. You can see that we are still a little damp from the river. Behold:

Me, eating a cheeseburger.*

G., eating a cheeseburger.

and finally,

A., G.'s sister, eating a cheeseburger.

I leave you with that. I'm going to go cuddle with my new boots now.


*this might be the only existing photo of me without lipstick since I was 11.

Rekindling my Colorado spirit

I have been in a weird emotional place lately. I think it's because it is summertime, which for the past 20 years has been my least favorite season, and now that I'm here and there's not mind-numbing heat, I'm able to focus on and remember the years in which it was actually my favorite time of the year. I've talked about Spring Canyon before, but I hadn't really thought about it in a long time. Like, since I've moved here, really. Which is insane. That place and those people had such a profound effect on me, changing who I was and how I thought about myself. I honestly don't know if I would have survived high school if not for my yearly escape to the mountains.

So imagine my surprise when I was driving toward the mountains last week, on my way home from visiting the nephews in south Denver, feeling kind of moody and a little bit lonely; wondering when this place would feel like home; and then SHAZAAM, the realization that um, I have felt at home here before, and I'll bet if I looked around a little bit, I could even reconnect with some of the dear people I knew so well 20 (gulp) years ago. In other words, HELLO, Spring Canyon is only a couple of hours away!!! And a handful of the people I befriended there were from Denver, so I'll bet I could get on google and dig up at least some of them. It's so bizarre to me how that epiphany, a) took so long to happen, and b) made me instantly think of Denver differently; not as a giant, foreign city to conquer, but as somewhere where I had very happy memories when I was much, much younger.

So, note to self: begin excavation Spring Canyon. Before the summer is gone. I'd love to drive up there for a weekend and see if anyone I know still works there. I would love it even more if my dear friend Kelly, the only person I am still close to who understands and remembers that time, could explore it with me. KJ, that is a not-so-subtle nudge to get up here :)

I'm thinking a roadtrip is in order... I don't know about you, but I definitely need to reconnect with that other Lisa, the one who could laugh with her whole body, love with her whole soul, and truly escape the troubles of everyday life, if only for a few weeks a year. I live here now - I'm thinking I should work on making that carefree, optimistic attitude more of an everyday thing.

why life doesn't suck right now

It's high time I climbed back on the blogging wagon, so i'm going to start with an update approach like my sistah did. I too will make a list of what I've been up to, which in my case, translates into why life doesn't suck right now. Here goes!

1. I am still benefiting from the aftereffects of a week-long vacation with some of my favorite people. Work has been stressful and busy since I've returned, but thanks to the time away I seem to be handling it with better perspective and not freaking out. This is a good thing.
2. Shutterfly. Seriously. I needed to post my photos somewhere where I could get prints, and I chose Shutterfly for various reasons. It's been awesome - - I even ordered notecards with Jess on them -- if only I could think of a reason to send them out!! I have cute notecards, y'all! Be on the lookout, at some point or another you might be the recipient of a smiling cat in your mailbox... You can also order magnets, coffee mugs, everything. It's a great place for making a gift for that hard-to-buy-for-person on your list.
3. Weight Watchers. I've been doing this for a few months now with success. It's slow going, but it's supposed to be; they say the slower, more naturally it comes off the longer it stays off. We'll see, since I'm in it for the long haul. I have hesitated to post about this because I hate hate hate making such an announcement and then falling off the horse and having to admit that to everyone... but I figure maybe this will actually make me more accountable. I've lost almost 20 pounds, which feels good, but I am keenly aware that I have a long way to go. But it sure helps the motivation to wake up in the morning and fit into pants you've had stored away for a couple of years...!!! Anyway - hooray for a plan that works!
4. Visitors! Babs will be here this Thursday, and then Steph is coming to see me just a couple weeks after that. I'm so excited to see my pals! This will also make August fly by fast, getting us closer to the fall/winter--my favorite seasons :)
5. Visiting! I am going to Texas for a week in October, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again. I've resigned myself to the fact that it will most certainly still be hotter than hell, even in October, but oh well...I can fly home to snow, perhaps ;)

So that's kind of what's going on. This summer has flown by, that's for sure! I really don't know where July went. Not that I'm complaining...it hasn't been Texas-hot here, but hot for Colorado nonetheless. Interesting to see how I really do hate being hot, no matter how beautiful it is outside or what state I'm in...

Ciao for now.

so long

No, I'm not saying goodbye to blogging, although it may seem like it since i've been so scarce. I really don't know why I haven't felt compelled to write. I've been reading a lot instead...does that count for something?

I'm no longer depressed about being back in Colorado (as opposed to being on vacation -- but i keep reminding myself that CO is like living on vacation, i just need to do more), but i'm still not thrilled with my day job. Then again, how many people do you know who are? Actually thrilled with their day jobs?

Depressing. Sorry. Although in the good news department, yay Babs for following your heart! You're my hero, spurning "the man". :)

Ok well i'm going to bed now, so I can get up tomorrow morning and start off another fun-filled week in the wild world of marcom.

good times.

(or...not. was this perhaps the lamest blog post evah? EVAH?)

post-vacation insomnia

I can't sleep. This is the third night I've been back in my own bed since the trip, and for some reason I am wide awake. I think I'm still on CA time, maybe? I dunno, but it sucks. The worse thing is that I'm tired all day at work, then wide awake when I actually can sleep.

I hate coming home from vacation. I just hate it. I want to live on vacation -- is that really too much to ask?? I think I am closest to my authentic self when I'm on vacation. I'm stress free, rested, not worried about work, etc. The trip to Tahoe was just what I needed. Bonding time with my Austin friends, perspective from work, and distance. I loved it and I want to go back. But now that I'm back in my **real** life, I can already feel the knots re-knotting in my shoulders.

And being gone for a week has made me feel really behind. I have all these things to do, and I can't make myself do them. Fundamental things, like going to the dentist and returning emails. All I seem to want to do is stare at the TV and feel sad that I don't know when my next trip will be.

I miss this:
And this:
And this:
(a couple of those are probably courtesy of Dipu, but I'm not sure since we consolidated our pics... i'm sure between me, Dipu, Babs, and Matt, you will be seeing Tahoe pics for a while to come...)

Live Blogging from Reno - Hour 1

So, it's been a while since I've blogged. Ok, a LONG while. But I have been totally buried up to my eyeballs at work, people. And freelance work. And then more work. But never fear, because just before they squeezed the last tiny sliver of life out of my soul -- I am on vacation!! I made it! I am in the Reno airport, people, and besides the minor detail of my entire brand new bottle of Aussie hairspray (lidless, I might add) exploding in my luggage, and the fact that I just spent 30 minutes in the bathroom trying to get it off of everything -- besides that -- I just discovered that the lovely Reno airport has FREE WIRELESS INTERNET. So that almost makes up for the fact that everything I own smells like purple. Cuz you know, that's what Aussie hairspray smells like. Purple.

Anyway. I have a mere three hours to kill here in the good ole Reno airport before my friends arrive from Austin. That's why I ended up bringing my laptop at the last minute -- while I did not know of the FREE WIRELESS INTERNET, I do have some freelance work to finish up. Erm, yes. I have ... work to do. On my vacation. Shut up. At least I'm here!!!

So in case you were wondering, if anyone still reads this that is, we are not vacationing in Reno. NO, we are vacationing at Lake Tahoe! Oh, you might ask, isn't that the lake that has been on fire all week? Why yes, it has! And it still is! But we did not buy travel insurance, so figured we'd tough it out anyway since we can't get refunds. Plus our resort swears up and down "it's not even smoky up here! honest!" So...it should be an adventure no matter what, right? More on that later. I'm sure there will be more.

And I become happier by the moment that I grabbed my laptop at the last second.....

more updates coming soon! maybe i'll actually be inspired to write this week, when I don't HAVE to -- well, other than that pesky freelance project I mean... which I hopefully will finish up and send off before the gang ever even arrives in lovely Nevada.

Ciao for now!

floating.

I have never particularly liked islands. In fact, they've always made me nervous. I know better now, but it doesn't change my misperception as a child that an island was land that floated above the ocean -- you know, like a boat. A boat that could sink. Anyone who knows me knows I have issues with ocean water (as in, I won't get IN it), so the thought of walking around on dirt precariously floating above gilled dinosaur fish, aliens, and who knows what all else lurks in the bottom recesses of the ocean, was less than attractive. (I also have issues with lakes, thanks to Stephen King's The Mist. That story about a mysterious fog that rolls in over a lake and brings with it scary and horrifying and icky things scared the bejesus out of me in 9th grade, since I read it while on vacation at my Aunt and Uncle's -- you guessed it -- lakehouse.)

Ah yes, but back to my point. The point is that tonight, as I floated in my ginormous bathtub, I was doing my bathtub meditation thing and my gaze drifted down to the remaining bubbles floating on the water. I'd been in there about 20-25 minutes, so all that were left were the tiny, effervescent ones all joined together in different shapes that float along like...well, like islands. I leaned my head down and gently blew right onto Italy, and watched as a perfect circle formed in the middle and drifted, morphing, until it broke off into two little bubble islands.

I imagined that I was looking at the ocean from space. That I was an astronaut. Then I imagined that I was God, that I was watching the earth form over a period of time. I thought deeply about this for a moment, picturing how so many tiny people lived on the islands, musing, when my eyes drifted downward and rested on my feet in the bottom of the tub, barely discernible beneath the cloudy bathwater.

Damn, I thought, I really need a pedicure. My vacation is in a week... my vacation that is at a...............lake.

my life as a spy and the freckled redhead

It was summertime in Ft. Leavenworth, Kansas. Probably 1979-80, I don't remember exactly. I was a bookworm and my favorite book at the time was Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh. I so admired Harriet. I wanted to be Harriet. So I became Harriet. with the help of my friend Diane Dunovan (sp). That sticky Kansas summer was spent hiding under the bushes planted outside almost every duplex on base - bushes my mom referred to as "funeral bushes". I have no idea what they were actually called, but they made good hiding places, that is a fact. Each duplex in my neighborhood had several concrete steps up to a tiny concrete porch leading into a rickety 3-bedroom home that might or might not have a basement. They were all exactly the same, except for the basement factor. We had one and oh how we loved it. But that's another story...

Diane was a gawky like me, pale like me, more freckled than me, bespectacled like me, and had light, carrot-colored red hair--unlike me. (I just realized I have had redheaded friends my whole life; Kirsten, Diane, Kelly and now Kirby -- hmmm.....) Diane was as nerdy and bookwormy as me, and maybe even a little bit more shy. We were also in girl scouts together. Again, another story for another time... In any event, she would pretty much do whatever I wanted to do. And this summer, I wanted to spy. So we both bought spiral-bound notebooks and began creeping around our neighborhood for hours at a time, "spying" on people. We would hide under the bushes and listen. In all honestly, I don't remember a thing we "found out" about anyone, as it was more about the covert ops than about anything we might have overheard. I can still smell the evergreen bush, feel the gritty dirt under my knees as I knelt, poised to run if discovered, notebook in one hand and pen in the other. I wish I knew where those notebooks are now; my mom no doubt has them somewhere in her attic, but it might be decades before they're unearthed... anyway, kneeling under the evergreens, trying to be still, trying not to giggle at Diane's funny faces; my heart pounding in my chest, wondering how much trouble we would get into if we got found out--those were the days of summer. I don't remember if we ever were discovered, I just remember the adrenaline rush that kept us going throughout that long, hot, Kansas summer. Me and Diane.

The summer before 5th grade, Diane's family moved away to Ft. Riley, KS. It was the way of the military; you met people and befriended them in two or four-year increments, then one of you moved on and most likely you lost touch. I really hated to see Diane go, though; she was quirky and could make me laugh at almost anything. I remember going to visit her in Ft. Riley for a few days late in the summer, and it already wasn't the same. She had a new baby brother and she was having a hard time adjusting. While awkward at first, we warmed up to each other over the next few days, and we spent the nights in sleeping bags on the giant screened-in front porch of her parent's house. Talking and giggling until we fell into sweaty sleep, then reluctantly rising with the sun. We would talk about everything -- moving, school, boys. I remember one night we pretended to be each other's boyfriend and took turns holding hands and kissing on the lips -- such innocent pretending, such high hopes. We would try to be serious, as we imagined a boy and girl would be in such a situation, but without fail we would dissolve into a pile of giggles. Someday we would know, for real. And we would sure as shit talk to each about it.

And then school started and another year passed, and the next summer my family moved back to San Antonio. And Diane and I lost touch for good. I wrote her a few letters, but she never responded, so eventually I just stopped. We would get Christmas cards from her family every year, and one year, while I was in 8th or 9th grade, the card came and said that Diane was very ill. Maybe terminally ill. With some unpronounceable illness neither my mom nor myself can remember now. Her mom explained in the card that that was why Diane had lost touch; she didn't want to explain to anyone what was happening to her. We were so, so young. She must have been so, so scared. I like to think I tried writing to her again after that, but I truly don't remember. My feelings had been hurt when she hadn't responded years earlier, and even knowing the reason why didn't make it stop hurting. In fact, it made it worse. That was the last time we heard from her family.

In the craziness that was puberty and first love and teenage angst and dad-wars, the high-school years passed and I didn't really think about Diane that much -- and with each passing year, the memories faded. But I've never stopped wondering what happened to her. I have googled her, but no luck. I also don't remember exactly how she spelled her last name, so that's also a hindrance. I think she's probably gone. And that makes me really sad.

She was the quirky, redheaded girl who pretended to be my boyfriend; who listened to my silly, girlish hopes and dreams; who even crept around underneath the bushes all summer, dutifully taking notes on every screaming toddler that rolled by on a Big Wheel. Ah, the glamorous life on an army base.

I hope Diane had the chance to have a real boyfriend, as I did. I hope she knew how much I cared for her. I wonder if she ever thought of me in those later years. I wonder if she might still be alive. I wonder, but I may never know.

And that's the thing about life that really eats at me; so many people pass through our lives, people who are huge or small influences on us at one time or another, and then they can just be gone, just like that, and no matter how hard you look, you can't find them again. I hate losing people.

I hate losing Diane Dunavon.

see into my brain.

I just wanted to say this. Only she said it sooo much better.

hey stranger

Ahhh, downtime. Sweet, sweet downtime. I had all but forgotten you. The last time I saw you was ….. March??? Wow. It’s been too long, downtime, my long lost friend.

Yeah. Sooooooo…. I finally have a slight lull at work. And it’s even more awesome because it falls on a Friday afternoon – yay! And my friend G and I are leaving at 5 to get pedicures, to get the weekend off on the right foot (i couldn’t help it. sorry).

So, we must address my post-less-ness. Would you believe me if I just said I’ve been real busy?? Cuz it’s true. Also, nothing earth-shatteringly inspiring has happened lately, besides my magical cat getting off insulin – until this past weekend, which I spent in Chicago with the lovely Tamara. I would blog about it, but she already did a really good job.

Truthfully, I have just been too buried in work and life to think deep thoughts to share with the Internets. Boring bullets I can drum up to make this post just a tad longer:

• I found a pet sitter, yay! He works as a vet technician so I feel comfy leaving him in charge of my slightly diabetic kitty. Now I just need to find a dentist; GYN; optometrist … hey, it’s only been 10 months people! Give me time!
• I decided to stay put in my apartment for another year. It was a difficult decision, as you could probably tell from my manic posts on here, but ultimately I just had too much going on to try and move too. So, this time next year I will hopefully be in my own place, or at least someplace that’s not attached to 30 other units…
• I just planned a week at Lake Tahoe with the cruise gang over the 4th of July, and I’m so excited! We’re staying at this cool resort and it will be fun and relaxing. And I really miss my peeps, so we’ll do some much-needed catching up. Yay, less than a month to go!
• My boss at work, the one I worked for in Austin years ago and who hired me here, is moving back to Austin in August and will continue to work for the company remotely. So I will be getting a new boss. This makes me sad and nervous, but I’m also happy for him as he’s been in limbo for almost two years now…
• My precious youngest nephew turned three and was the cutest muffin evah at his birthday party. Three. Dude.
• ………
  
  That’s it folks, that’s all the random stuff I can think of. I promise to post again soon! I will work on having some deep thoughts this weekend…
  
  

the magical cat

Once upon a time there was a shiny gray cat named Jess. After 11 blissful and healthy years with his Lovely Lisa (LL), he was diagnosed with feline diabetes. He suffered through a battery of tests, including LL poking his ears several times a day and doing that sneaky thing with his shoulders when he was eating. Because Jess was patient and good, he put up with all this because deep down he understood that there was a connection between these things and the fact that he'd been feeling much more like himself lately. And he trusted his LL. After exactly two and a half weeks, Jess was feeling sleepier and sleepier. He was still good natured and loyal, but just...sleepy. His LL noticed this and did the ear prick thing again -- and to everyone's shock, found that his blood glucose numbers had plunged to the point where he shouldn't be receiving insulin. Remarkably, he had not suffered the side effects of this error, other than the sleepiness. He endured many more ear pricks over the next few days, until one day he noticed that his LL was no longer doing that sneaky thing with his shoulders while he was eating. Then LL explained to him that because he was a magical cat, he had magically gotten better, and no longer needed the pricks at all! Just to make sure, his LL continued to prick his ear every couple of days, but a week later his numbers were better than ever and --- no insulin. And the kingdom rejoiced and there was much ... magic.

Yes, Jess is magical. He is healthy. He is off the insulin, for now. His vet said this happens sometimes, that the insulin can "kick start" a pancreas again, more or less. We have to be vigilant and continue testing him every few days, but for now he's much more himself and eating and sleeping better. We all are. Can I hear a WOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!

In other news, here is a photo of my semi-new haircut, since some of you asked...

secret thoughts

• I don’t really like children all that much; only if there’s an emotional attachment (only nephews, friends' kids, etc).
• I fear I will wake up at 50 and wish I'd had children.
• I think I would be a shitty mother.
• I fear growing old by myself.
• I'm afraid I'll be poor when I retire.
• I am afraid that if I don’t lose the weight now, no one will ever love me in time to keep me from growing old by myself.
• I’m afraid that if I lose the weight and someone falls in love with me, I will secretly resent them forever for only loving skinny me.
• I’m think it’s inevitable that I will die of cancer or heart disease.
• I’m afraid I’ll always be in love with him.
• I’m scared that I’m losing touch with some of my closest friends because I moved out of state.
• I feel sad when I think about my other friends having kids because I know it will take them further away from me.
• I still fantasize about marrying a millionaire and never having to work again.
• I’m afraid if I didn’t have to work I’d go mad and/or gain 500 pounds.
• I think I’m unlovable—ultimately, men have always chosen mates other than me.
• I am often torn between lonely and grateful for my solitude.
• I’m too attached to my cat.
• Sometimes I really wonder what the point of it all is.
• I don’t like my job.
• I’m afraid something will happen to one of my parents and I won’t be able to get there in time.
• I feel very disconnected right now.
• I'm afraid I will never be published.
• I worry that my nephews won't like me when they get older.
• PMS kicks my ass.
  

I missed my calling. Or not...

Warning: Another diabetic post.

So first it was the shots. And they hardly freak me out at all anymore, nor Jess. But then after his vet visit this week, I was instructed to wake up at 4:30am that night (exactly 8 hours after his evening shot) to test his blood glucose. Ok, I said. How? That's when they told me I would have to make my cat bleed onto a very tiny strip of paper inside a delicate machine that turns itself off if you don't use it within like 15 seconds. Oh.

I went to Walgreens and bought the glucometer and supplies, and dutifully woke up at 4:30. However, I utterly failed to test his blood. I now think it was because I was wussy about it and didn't want to stick him hard enough to make him bleed. Here's the thing: I hate blood. I am not in the medical profession for a REASON, people. I can't watch while they draw my blood and I would rather be completely knocked out cold than be aware of anything medically intrusive happening to me. So this was a tall order.

I gave up and we all went back to sleep. I tried again Thursday night and was finally successful - in part because I practiced on poor Jess before we went to bed, to make sure I could do it. That first poke was pretty awful; I won't go into detail, but it bled a leeeetle bit more than it was supposed to. Jess was really a sport though. He was annoyed, but forgot as soon as I gave him treats.

Anyway, his nighttime number looked good so the vet said to stay the course on our current dose of insulin. Cool. Then came today, when I was home with him all day long. And I noticed that he slept a LOT. Like, more than usual. And he seemed kind of groggy when I would wake him up by petting him. He was still good-natured, just...sleepy. I trusted my instincts and pulled out the ole' glucometer, and sure enough, his blood sugar was pretty low. Not dangerously low, in fact it was in the "normal" range, but it was pretty low considering he was due for another shot in an hour. After consulting this feline diabetes website I found and calling the ER vet for advice, I waited an hour and tested it again. It has gone up a little, but not much. And he's not eating as much or as enthusiastically as usual. So I'm waiting another 20 minutes and I'm going to have to test him AGAIN. I just want to make sure his numbers are going up, not down, before I go to bed. And I skipped the nighttime insulin shot, btw. My regular vet will get a phone call Monday to consult about lowering his dosage, as maybe it's working a little too well.

BUT -- and now I have finally reached my circuitous point -- I can't believe I'm actually capable of sticking a lance in my kitty-handsome's ear and getting it onto the tiny strip before he flicks it everywhere (live and learn, my friends), and get a reading before the glucometer shuts itself off. Rock. On. I hate blood, yet I am doing this. So, yay me. And yay, Jess, for improving so quickly! On that note, I leave you with Jess's very explicit comment on the whole prickly affair...

Busted.

He knows. The Grey Wonder knows. Instead of pretending to ignore the needle I stick in between his shoulder blades when he’s eating, yesterday he confronted it for the first time. When I started pulling up the skin on his neck, he whipped his head around, like “Hey!” So I held the needle out for him to sniff. And held my breath. And he went back to eating and let me give him the shot.

You know what’s funny? Now that he “knows” what I’m doing? He makes a little squeak/growl to acknowledge the shot, whereas before he didn’t make a sound. I think it’s very cool that he lets me do it without a hassle. It’s almost like he can tell it’s part of what makes him feel better lately.

I love my little gray man. I hope he lives forever.

just checking in...

I've been busy lately, blahblahblah. But really, I have. Here's what's been going on:

• I've been giving Jess two insulin shots a day for a week now, and today he is at the vet getting his blood glucose curve, so we know if we're getting him the right amount of insulin
• Jess does not care about getting shots -- he stands still for me and doesn't even wince - or stop eating for that matter.
• Weird (super-weird) fact: the same week I found out Jess had diabetes? My brother, in San Antonio, found out one of his kitties has it too. And needs two shots a day. Weird.
• My apartment complex is raising my rent $150/month if I renew my lease
• They can kiss my a** -- I'm moving :)
• But I'm not buying; I decided to pay for my freedom (rent) for another year
• I already found a place i'm in love with
• I should know something by tomorrow
• Work is still crazy busy
• I might be moving in two to three weeks
• Tomorrow night I'm meeting a good Austin friend of mine for dinner in South Denver -- she's in Col. Springs for a work conference and we're going to meet halfway - yay!

Um... okay. That about covers it for today... any questions???

The Big D

Well. Jess has kitty diabetes. Not shocking, given his symptoms, but still upsetting. Since his blood sugar is so high right now, they want to start him off with two insulin shots a day. Normally we might try to treat it with meds and diet first, but they're worried about getting his levels down. And so am I. So Wednesday Jess and I get to go back to the vet where I will learn how to inject insulin into my rotund cat. I'm not that worried about giving the shot; he has plenty of fatty, loose skin, and if I do it while he's eating, I doubt he'll even notice. This could be the naivete talking. I'm just sayin', if it was Piper needing the shots, I'd be out shopping for falconer's gloves and goggles.

Maybe I was mentally preparing myself for this, since I knew what his symptoms could mean; I say this because I almost felt relieved today when I finally found out what was wrong with my sweet pumpkin spice. At least it's not kidney or liver failure, which I was worried about. If you'll recall, that's how Megs died. However, his liver levels were a little off, which is another reason to get him up and running on the insulin sooner rather than later.

I'll update when I know more. Cross your fingers and claws...

Tidbits

There's been a lot going on. Things like:

• I've been in contact with a realtor to see about buying a condo in the next few months. I'm still not positive I am ready right now, but my lease is almost up in the apartment and every day I realize how much I HATE living in an apartment. So. We'll see...
• I took Jess to the vet today because for the last few weeks his water consumption/output has gone up drastically and he's also been losing weight. And turning brown. That's right, his previously pure gray fur is going brown in some spots, and it's just -- wrong. Anyway, the vet thinks it's his thyroid, but we won't know for sure until the blood work comes back, hopefully tomorrow. She thinks it's either his thyroid; kidney disease; or diabetes. At least all of those things are treatable, if not curable. The thyroid theory would explain his new habit of waking me up throughout the night trying to trick me into feeding him AGAIN; if his metabolism is running wild, that would mean he's not sleeping well, he's hungrier, and more playful -- and he has literally been on Piper's back a lot lately. So that's where my money is, but who knows. I can either treat it with daily meds, or shell out a chunk of money up front and get his thyroid zapped with iodine. Oh goody, decisions decisions. Let's hope he just has a bladder infection or something curable with a few pills. Poor little man cat.
• Work is still insanely busy. I don't like that it is insanely busy. I feel, mostly, insane. And very very busy.
  
• Thank you Jesus, SANJAYA IS FINALLY GONE.
  

That's all I can manage right now. Oh, also my ex BT is getting married tomorrow. Good times all around.

I'm off to the bathtub with a bottle of wine.....
(just kidding. sort of...)

Weekly AI Haiku

Haley, Haley, Haley.

Goodbye, Haley’s legs
Next week, you would have been nude...
Glad to see you go.

hating my sinuses: a haiku

Rosy-looking cheeks
disguise the sly infection
raging in my face.

I'm all out of snappy headlines.

This is my therapy, you know. Anyone out there, reading this? You are my therapist. Even if you never say a word, even if I don’t know you or know that you’re reading, it is still greatly therapeutic for me to come to this place, my little corner of the Internet, and emotionally vomit every now and then. So, thanks.

You might recall my previous post in which I complained about my crappy week. Oh, but that was only the tip of the iceberg. My mother called tonight to tell me that my dad has had another heart attack, and as I type this I don’t really know what’s going on or how he is. I’ve been assured it was a “small” heart attack, but not insignificant; “they” are puzzled because he had a quadruple bypass just two years ago, and has exercised ever since then, so how is this possible? We won’t know anything until the morning, when they go in (through a vein in his leg) and stick a little camera in his heart and check on things. I was told not to jump on a plane. But when I moved up here last summer, I didn’t realize the crippling sense of helplessness I would feel in a situation like this. I have never felt so far away from my family. If I were still in Austin, I’d have been at my mom’s house within the hour. But here, it takes a lot more finagling, and guilt all around. Not just my own guilt for not being there, oh no. You see, I come from a long line of guiltinators. If I were to jump on a plane right now, my dad would feel guilty that his heart attack has disrupted my weekend, and that would cause him more stress. I kid you not. The man was apologizing to my mom for having this happen “on Easter weekend.” Geez Louise.

Weren’t we just here? Didn’t we just do this? Even though two years ago seems so short in terms of his heart health, it also feels like a lifetime ago. A lot can happen in two years. Hell, a lot can happen in one.

I am going to try and sleep tonight so I can be bright and ready for anything tomorrow. Please say a little prayer for my dad – he’s lying in a hospital bed right now worrying about how we are all worrying about him.

disgruntled.

I've been "off" this whole week. Not sure why, since I had a great weekend and this week at work hasn't been too terribly bad. I had a migraine yesterday, though -- man. It's been a while, and I'm so glad I don't get them too often. I was incapacitated most of the day, not getting as much work done as I needed to. Today was another weird day at work, and I'm still running behind. I have to catch up tomorrow, and I hate being up against the gun on a Friday. Oh well.

But those are just the surface things. Other things are bothering me, deeper things. For one, I've been emailing with the boy, and I still like him and still feel kind of sad. But I just don't feel like I can do the whole relationship thing right now. It feels overwhelming. And then there's the whole spark thing. So that's been on my mind; I resist the urge to write him back filling him in with my daily life, details we had started sharing, because I don't want to send mixed signals. And I know the signals would be mixed because I'm so mixed up.

Then, there's the fact that my ex has resurfaced randomly. He's not contacted me, although he's asked about me, but even knowing he is still sending energy this way freaks me out. It bothers me that I can go weeks, even months without really thinking about him at all; but all it takes is a hint and I start having the nightmares again. Like, I'm functioning in society, making friends, being productive, falling in love, but if I saw him again I just know we'd get into a shouting match within moments. Either that or I'd regress into a curled-up little ball, rocking myself while quietly chanting "hate hate hate hate". I have so much pent-up rage still, and that surprises and troubles me. I feel terrible saying this, but the truth is I have nothing but disdain for him and I really don't even wish him well. I feel scared for his kids and worry about how they're doing. It only took him 6 or 7 years to strip me of my self esteem, he's got them until they're 18. It scares the shit out of me.

Anyway. Oh, and fucking Sanjaya is still on AI and it makes me want to hiss at someone.

AI Haiku

I can't help it. He's the only one who moves me to emotion...

#1

Sanjaya, you make me cringe
I squeeze my eyes tight

And wait for your song to end.

#2

Why were you not voted off?
I don’t get it, man.
America is stupid.

dance like there's no tomorrow.

We stood in the private upstairs room of the cozy Indian restaurant downtown, surrounded by a few friends, a handful of acquaintances, and a room full of strangers. Everyone was breathless and celebratory, especially the birthday girl. Her red hair shone under the dim lights and her tinkling laugh made everyone around her smile. The music was silly and loud, and I stood next to my friends and the tall boy with whom I'd come. He and I were friends, but friends with potential. We had had one date once, which seemed to go well, but then nothing ever came of it -- except for more platonic happy hours and lots of laughs. So be it, he was funny and I liked funny guys. Sometimes we would get tipsy and flirt, which was always fun.

I remember that the festive air combined with my all-black attire, my red lipstick, and my slight wine buzz made me feel a little bit brave, a little bit hopeful. Significant eye contact had occurred with FTG (funny tall guy) and I was feeling fine. Suddenly, the birthday girl appeared in front of me, giving me a big hug, and grabbed my hand, leading me toward the mostly empty dance floor. I shyly pulled her to the side and tried to sit down at the edge of the floor, but she would have none of it. She giggled and pulled me again, and I panicked. She was shiny and bright and thin, full of joy and charisma; suddenly I felt lackluster, heavy, and terribly self conscious. My mind was spinning and I was keenly aware of funny guy behind us, urging me to go silly dance with her. It was then that I was struck with a vivid mental image of myself as I imagined others would see me--pale, puffy, perhaps with a shiny nose, fading lipstick, flat hair, shaking my body next to my thin, pretty redhead friend. I couldn't. do. it.

I shook my head and pulled my arm back, perhaps a little too hard, which surprised her. I sat myself stubbornly at the edge of the floor, FTG beside me, and just like that, I knew. I could tell from the change in his energy that I had blown it. I felt something in him cool toward me. I understood in that moment that it was never going to happen with us, because I didn't believe I was pretty enough, funny enough, fearless enough; because I was in fact too insecure to dance uninhibited at a party where I knew mostly no one. My friend had shrugged and danced away, pulling more girlfriends into her circle, but I remained seated, stiffly, with a fake smile pasted on my face. FTG got up and walked over to the bar, walked away from me.

We still went out with friends a few more times over the next couple of years, but any remaining spark had been effectively doused that night at the birthday party, as I hugged myself next to the dance floor and wished more than anything that I was thin and bubbly, or at least that I felt thin and bubbly.

I decided recently that I'm done with that girl. Not with my red-haired friend, although we lost touch not long after that party, but with that version of myself. I'm working on seeing myself as I want others to see me, not as I fear they do. Maybe I can do it this time, in a state full of mostly strangers; I'll keep you posted...

spring in colorado

So yesterday it was another lovely spring day with highs in the 60s; I actually saw tulips poking through their bulbs and birds that appeared to be flying back to CO instead of away from it. I went to bed last night with my windows cracked and a cat on my head, as per the usual. This morning I woke up to 5 inches of snow, and it was still coming down. It stopped for a few hours in the afternoon, then started up again just in time for rush hour -- but this snow was not like the other snow. This snow didn't stick to the roads or sidewalks. It fell in giant, wet flakes, accumulating on the grass, open bulbs, tree branches, but not the roads--the roads were simply wet. I'm told this is normal for this time of year.

I like it. I wasn't quite ready to relinquish winter, my favorite season.

That's all I got. More soon...........

what a difference a week makes.

So it turns out that my last post, while well thought out, was total bullshit.

I must have the tingle. Must. Have. It. No amount of rationalization can manufacture chemistry, and it's just too depressing to imagine an entire future with no chemistry.

and that's all i'm going to say about that...

Kissing a stranger

The first kiss. So important, yet so unpredictable. In my carefree youth, I firmly believed that the first kiss told all. That the first kiss held all the potential of the relationship. If there weren’t butterflies and unicorns, don’t bother. And I have a few butterflied unicorned first kisses in my past, oh yes. Weak-in-the-knees, throw-all-reason-to-the-wind, heart-thumping, mind-numbing first kisses. But obviously, a first kiss can be misleading. Just because you swoon doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. Or even a nice guy, for that matter.

It stands to reason, then, that a mild first kiss doesn’t portend disaster. Or even a lack of chemistry. I know this in my brain, I know this from talking to my girlfriends, I even know this from experience. But it still kinda sucks, doesn’t it?

Or does it?

Maybe it is just too much pressure to expect fireworks the first time you are close enough to smell a person’s shampoo. Why do we think that if there aren’t instant sparks, there’s nothing there? It doesn’t really make sense. Because basically, the first time, you’re kissing a stranger. Isn’t it more logical that the sparks would intensify as you get to know someone? As you discover their unique-ness, their special-ness, their lovable-ness? As you slowly uncover the hidden treasure, the potential of a long and satisfying relationship? It’s like coffee, or beer (or yes, sex) – at first taste, you just weren’t that impressed and didn’t get what all the fuss was about. But the more you taste it, the more it grows on you. And before long you must have it, can’t imagine life without it.

Or perhaps it is even simpler than that. Perhaps as we have grown older and more mature, we have learned that things aren’t always as they seem. That snakes do hide in sheep’s clothing, that people do lie and cheat, and that instant chemistry does not equal love. Or even like, for that matter. We are not just vessels at the mercy of a temperamental sea; we actually do have some control over how we feel. And isn’t that a relief? By our late 30s, it seems we should understand that there are things more important than instant butterflies. Sure, butterflies are nice and all. But you can’t always trust the butterflies. The butterflies, they are all willy nilly. They tend to flutter around, causing a stir, and then flutter away, to the next bright and shiny object. Or they get caught in a gust of wind and mashed into a windshield. Hey, it happens. And don’t even get me started on unicorns…

I suppose it comes down to this: in the long run, would you rather have a delicate butterfly, or a determined bumblebee? I myself am holding out for an energetic hummingbird.

What do you think?

fallen

Today, this happened. At my apartment complex. My building in fact, and my floor. I don't know the child, and I was at work when it happened. But even if I hadn't known about this tragic accident before I got home, I would've known that something had happened due to the palpable, lingering weirdness in the air. There was a horrible accident just down the hall from me. There was a helicopter on the front lawn where people play with their dogs and build snowmen. Everything feels different, and I don't know if I'm picking up on the anguish of the family, or if my connection to my own 2-year-old nephew and a 2-year-old little boy that died years ago is triggering the hell out of me, but I'm not anticipating restful sleep tonight.

Other stuff has been going on too, but I don't feel like prattling on about concerts and boys and food tonight, so i'm going to save that for a rainy day. Possibly tomorrow. Because it is supposed to rain tomorrow.

G'night then, and please send positive thoughts to this child.

too tired to post

The title of this post pretty much says it all, but I still felt the need to check in and say "hi" or "I'm alive" or "I need a vacation baaaaaad". I have been working. And working. And working some more. And the novelty? Is wearing off. I can't relax even when I am at home because I'm feeling guilt about the work I **should** be doing instead of watching American Idol. I am dreaming strange things, often about writing sales guides. Not. Good.

I need a weekend or a week or heck, even a day, just to CHILL and not go anywhere, do anything, to not open the computer. Why is that so impossible???

So i'm sorry to disappoint my faithful readers, but I just don't have much to report. And I'm going to *try* to go to bed now.

p.s. i met the boy for coffee on saturday.

my ai haiku

I have been invited, by my sistah and Crazy MomCat, to participate in the American Idol Friday Haiku. I'm a couple of days late, but here's mine:

oh, kellie pickler
why did you grow your bottom
to match your new top?

dangerous mind

My disjointed, sleep-deprived thoughts right now:

- G. must not be gone for the day; her shoes are still here.
- It’s official: I cannot get a buzz in Colorado. It’s all or nothing.
- Why the hell is there nutritional information on McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese packaging??? WTF? Way to ruin a girl’s quickie lunch…

Also: it’s catastrophic when the server at work goes down. In case anyone was wondering. That’s why I’m actually blogging. Because I can’t send e-mails. Or surf. Or look up a word online (what? you want me to use a “paper” dictionary?? Do we even have one of those?…) I can’t obsessively check Tyler Durden to see if Britney’s done anything stupid today; can’t check the weather forecast, or cheap airfares, or all the other work-related sites I regularly visit. um. Anyway, with the server down, all my procrastination techniques are thwarted, except for the small irony that I CAN’T WORK, EITHER. Thank you, server. Thank you.

This afternoon I will finally enjoy a perk of my job I have not yet taken advantage of: free massage. See, there’s a massage school on the first floor of our building, and every couple of weeks they’ll send out mass emails to other tenants offering free massages so their students can practice. I’m not ashamed to be used, nuh uh. Especially since I paid $75 for the Worst. Massage. Evah. last week, and am still reeling from the disappointment. Free is good. No massage can be bad when it’s free.

So it’s been 45 minutes now with no server. Am realizing that this is what it was like back in the caveman days (no offense, caveman), before the Internet. I’m remembering now, it’s all coming back to me…. ugh.

i got nothin'.

Seriously. i'm actually really wanting to update my blog, but i have nothing. to. write. about. no kidding. i have been working a lot, blahblahblah. freelancing some. buying winter clothes on clearance. um. there's just nothing to report, guys.

i talk to people on the phone and they say "what's new? haven't talked to you in weeks!" and i have to say that nothing is new. no new developments. just enjoying my lovesac, the fireplace, and looking at the mountains. that's it. it doesn't seem like enough and i feel like i should be striving to make my life more ... something. but i'm content right now. and content is not a bad thing.

i have pretty much decided not to meet the boy who wants to meet me because no matter what i do, no matter how much encouragement i get from friends, i just. don't. care. and i don't want to fake it. the thought of getting gussied up only to be sized up just makes my fingernails curl right now. don't wanna do it. i'm really enjoying my weekend of csi miami, the shield, and catnaps in front of the fire -- why muck up a good thing??

so there you go. nada. nothing. zip. zero.

i will try and make something interesting happen in the next few days, i really will. but don't hold your breath. seriously...

radical measures.

I woke up at 3:11am sprawled on my couch, TV blaring an infomercial, and all the lights on. Damn. I removed the giant cat from my head, struggled to my feet, and blearily stumbled into the kitchen to a) feed said giant cat so he wouldn't start bugging me for at least a couple of hours, and b) hydrate myself. Then, flipping off appliances and lights on my way, I made my way into my bedroom where I plugged in my phone to charge, washed my face, and almost tripped on another cat as I climbed into bed. I applied moisturizer to my face, then my feet, then my lips (not the same moisturizer, of course) then reached for the remote control so I could turn on the weather channel really quick and see if the predicted storm had moved into the area yet. Because as much as I griped a couple months ago about being cooped up in my apt. for days at a time due to blizzard conditions, I was now more than ready for a freaking snow day. But...the remote wasn't there. Nor was it under the covers, where I usually find it, or under the gigantic [grumpy] cat who had settled in next to me on the bed. Crap. Where was it?? I scanned my messy bedside table, then sighed and got out of bed to kneel down and see if it was somehow under the bed, then under the bedside table, then behind the bedside table, then...a crazy idea popped into my head. I paused for a moment, considering. Then, full of newfound inspiration, I shuffled to the bedroom window, opened the blinds, and looked out.

No snow.

me me me me me me me me me me me me meme.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 10:00
2. Diamonds or Pearls? Diamonds.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Happy Feet.
4. What is your favourite TV show? Grey's Anatomy.
5. What did you eat for breakfast? Chocolate chip pancakes with strawberry syrup. Here. As in, I made them myself. Close your mouth, it's unflattering.
6. What foods do you dislike? Fish, rare meat, brussel sprouts, raw celery.
7. Your favourite potato chip? Kettle regular flavor
8. What is your favourite CD at the moment? Justin Timberlake - Sexyback (shut up.)
9. What kind of car do you drive? Mazda CX-7.
10. Favourite sandwich? Chicken salad.
11. What characteristics do you despise? bossiness, two-faced, dishonesty.
12. What are your favourite clothes? Jeans and any shirt/sweater that makes me look skinny. -er.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Paris.
14. What colour is your bathroom? One is red/cream, the other is green/earth tones.
15. Favourite brand of clothing? whatever fits. I like J. Jill and Eddie Bauer, but i'm not picky if it fits.
16. Favourite time of day? When I first get home from work and change into comfy clothes.
17. Where would you want to retire to? Up in the mountains OR Europe.
18. Favourite sport to watch? None.
19. Coke or Pepsi? Out of the two, Coke. But really, it's Dr. Pepper all the way.
20. Are you a morning person or night owl? Total night owl.
21. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? There's a boy who wants to meet me for coffee, but i haven't replied to him yet. Because I'm not really excited. So, never mind.
22. What did you want to be when you were little? A famous singer.
23. What is your best childhood memory? Spring Canyon.
24. Nicknames? Lisabell; Lis
25. Piercings? 2 holes in each ear, but I hardly ever fill them.
26. Eye Colour? Green.
27. Favourite day of the week? Saturday.
28. Favourite restaurant? The Texican. In Austin.
29. Favourite ice cream? Godiva chocolate raspberry truffle.
30. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? LUSH.
31. Bedtime? between midnight and 1am.
32. What are you listening to right now? The dishwasher running and a repeat of CSI Miami.
33. How many tattoos do you have? None.
34. Next film you'll see? No idea what's even playing, but I'd like to see Babel when it comes out on DVD...
35. Tag anyone? Anyone reading this who's suffering from blog block.

long time gone

Well. So, I'm back. The past two weeks have been...shall we say........ frenzied. You know how when you wait to call someone back and the longer you wait, the harder it is to make the call? Because you know you'll need to explain and you're afraid they'll be angry at you? Yeeeaaah. That's how I feel right now, but I suspect that if I wait much longer, I won't be able to climb back on the wagon. The Blogwagon, that is. But in my defense, I haven't seen my nephews in almost a month, so it's not just you, people -- everyone has been neglected...sorry....

So in light of that admission, please cut me some slack and be entertained by a list...a mish-mash list.

1. I am now officially 37. Woo to the hoo.
2. I still have allergies in Austin. That magically disappear in Colorado.
3. Jess is a more reliable alarm clock than my digital clock radio/alarm. But. Leaving for five days apparently threw off his inner clock and he's been waking me up at 4am or 5am this whole. Entire. Week. O.M.G.
4. I really really miss my Austin friends.
5. I also really really miss fabulous Tex-Mex.
6. I'm really really ready to call a trainer and reverse the startling amount of damage done over a long weekend.
7. Everyone in Texas gave me flat birthday presents, since I, you know, flew there. Except for my mother, who gave me a giant puffy throw pillow. A very nice giant puffy throw pillow, but giant and puffy nonetheless. I'm just saying.
8. I've already had my annual hangover, so whew, that's over with.
9. I fall more deeply in love with Grey's Anatomy every single week.
10. I missed my Colorado friends while I was in Austin.

More soon. I promise. Including a new Weekly Blog Challenge! Soon! yes.

A lot of cool cats

As promised, here is the list of all my pets and little tidbits that made them special...

1. BeeBeeBahBah the cat. Calico, I think. I named her when I was less than 3 years old, thus the name. I only vaguely remember this cat hanging out with me in the basement when we lived in Tennessee -- I would play in my cardboard playhouse and she would warily watch me.
2. Zipper the cat. Grey and black-striped tabby. I **think** Zipper was related to BeeBeeBahBah. Not positive, though. I just remember Zipper never let me pet her, she was mainly an "outside" cat. We gave her to my Grandfather at some point so she could live out the rest of her years on his ranch, eating mice and such, since she didn't really like people. Or at least, small people.
3. Icky the cat. White with black and brown spots. Named for his predisposition for farting. And I may have been young, but cat farts. Dude. Icky. He also got into catfights a lot and we would have to patch him up in the morning. Pretty sure he got run over by a car on Bronzeglo Drive.
4. Muffin the cat. Orange. Got run over by a car on Bronzeglo Drive.
5. Sam the cat. Orange. Replacement for Muffin. Also got run over by a car on Bronzeglo Drive.
6. Fluffy the cat. Alley cat with siamese markings. Got knocked up and then ran away, never to be seen again.
6. Smoky Joe the cat. All I can remember is that he was gray. But not a shiny gray like Jess, more of a dull gray.
7. Powder Puff the cat. White with black and brown spots. Got her from a kitten farm in Kansas. She was a very talky cat, very chatty. Had three litters of kittens in the basement in KS, including one very traumatic miscarriage. Lived a long life and then succumbed to some kind of bronchial infection.
8. Patty the cat. Orange. PP's "brother" from the kitten farm. Thought he was a girl, thus the name; found out a few weeks later that he wasn't -- but the name stuck. When we moved back to Texas, he got run over by a car on Bronzeglo Drive. I won't go into the morbid story of his death because it still makes me sad.
9. Misty the cat -- a gray/tan tabby with enough siamese in her to make her eyes crossed and her meow super-ass-loud. Adopted from a shelter, along with her 5 newborn kittens, three of which we ended up keeping. So begins the reign of the Misty Clan.
10. Melissa of the Misty Clan -- looked more like a siamese, but with random white spots here and there, just to let you know she wasn't a purebred. Very mellow cat. For some reason, my dad always referred to her as "The Silver Cat", which, ?????. Not silver.
11. Socks of the Misty Clan -- Black, rotund cat with a white chin and white feet. She was deceptively cute-looking, but mean as hell. Heh. She did this thing where if you held your hand above her head she would stand up on two legs and meet your hand. She could stand like that for an alarmingly long time.
12. Hallie-Bones of the Misty Clan -- Black with a white stripe on his nose and a white chest. This was my first boy kitty love. He adored me and slept with me every night until I left for college. I tried to take him with me after the first semester because he was so distraught, but I hadn't even backed out of the driveway before he peed in the backseat of my car. He lived the longest of any in the Misty Clan, and eventually replaced me with my Dad. Other thing to note: in his older years, he got toe cancer and had to have two toes removed. Toe. Cancer. WTF?
13. TC (for TomCat) (Not Toe Cancer) the cat-- long-haired white and black. Perhaps the sweetest-natured cat EVAH. Chose my parents' house out of all the houses in the neighborhood -- personally I think other strays over the years had put an invisible cat mark on the house saying "Will Feed Strays." He lived a short life, but he was very sweet and cuddly, like a stuffed animal.
14. ChaCha the cat. Long-haired tan/black tabby. Another stray, adopted after I'd left for college. She was my brother's cat and ended up moving in with him after he finished college. Lived a long life.
15. Samantha the cat -- Himalayan. She was my mom's cat, the offspring of two of my Grandmother's Himalayan cats. Nicole and I never really warmed up to her for some reason. She had one kitten once. One. And it died after a few days. Perhaps I harbored resentment over this? Who knows. She and TC were boyfriend/girlfriend until TC died (although he was not the father of her kitten--that little slut)
16. Meggie the cat-- long-haired calico. This was the first cat that I got on my own. Got her my sophomore year in college with my roommate Kelly. She provided hours of entertainment as she was a feisty, outspoken cat. Very talky. Not shy. When Jess came along, she rose to the occasion and grudgingly mothered him until he outgrew her by more than 10 pounds and liked to sit on her, just to torture her. She lived 16 happy years. Now her ashes sit in the window by the LoveSac where Piper unknowingly hangs out -- so HAHA to Piper who doesn't even realize that she lounges next to her arch enemy.
17. Jess the cat-- shiny gray cat with a white chin and white chest. He's my handsome boyfriend cat, the namesake of this blog. He came along in 1996, the year my Grandmother died. The ex wanted to keep him, but I wasn't convinced at first. Thank GOD we kept him, because it's been 11 years and we're still going strong (me and the cat. NOT me and the ex). The coolest. cat. evah.
18. Piper the cat -- long-haired black/gray tabby. Another stray, found in a drain pipe. Very skitzy cat, but very sweet and soft like a rabbit. Can be talky sometimes, but mostly lays low and picks her moments to cuddle. LOVES Jess. You can see the adoration shining in her eyes whenever he's around. As much as she loves Jess, she hated Meggie. Lesson learned: don't get two chick cats at once. A boy-girl combo tends to work out much better.

Observation in retrospect: Bronzeglo Drive is a very dangerous place for cats.

Ahh, was that as fascinating for you as I suspected?? There was lots more I could write about them, but halfway through I realized the only people who might read to the end are my mom and my sister, so hey. There you go. If Nicole participates, I imagine our lists will look a lot alike, but I'd be interested to see her memories of each cat and how they differ from mine.

Meow and good night.