Thursday, April 05, 2007

disgruntled.

I've been "off" this whole week. Not sure why, since I had a great weekend and this week at work hasn't been too terribly bad. I had a migraine yesterday, though -- man. It's been a while, and I'm so glad I don't get them too often. I was incapacitated most of the day, not getting as much work done as I needed to. Today was another weird day at work, and I'm still running behind. I have to catch up tomorrow, and I hate being up against the gun on a Friday. Oh well.

But those are just the surface things. Other things are bothering me, deeper things. For one, I've been emailing with the boy, and I still like him and still feel kind of sad. But I just don't feel like I can do the whole relationship thing right now. It feels overwhelming. And then there's the whole spark thing. So that's been on my mind; I resist the urge to write him back filling him in with my daily life, details we had started sharing, because I don't want to send mixed signals. And I know the signals would be mixed because I'm so mixed up.

Then, there's the fact that my ex has resurfaced randomly. He's not contacted me, although he's asked about me, but even knowing he is still sending energy this way freaks me out. It bothers me that I can go weeks, even months without really thinking about him at all; but all it takes is a hint and I start having the nightmares again. Like, I'm functioning in society, making friends, being productive, falling in love, but if I saw him again I just know we'd get into a shouting match within moments. Either that or I'd regress into a curled-up little ball, rocking myself while quietly chanting "hate hate hate hate". I have so much pent-up rage still, and that surprises and troubles me. I feel terrible saying this, but the truth is I have nothing but disdain for him and I really don't even wish him well. I feel scared for his kids and worry about how they're doing. It only took him 6 or 7 years to strip me of my self esteem, he's got them until they're 18. It scares the shit out of me.

Anyway. Oh, and fucking Sanjaya is still on AI and it makes me want to hiss at someone.

1 comment:

Babs said...

This makes me wonder... were you ever able to get all the rage out? Just cuz this came up with my sis last night, whether it was even worth it to get all her thoughts out when it seems like she's talking to a brick wall.

btw, I also think you're unavailability and ambivalence about this guy is making you more attractive to him. Is it a good ego boost at all?!?