Sunday, April 30, 2006

In the moment. Well, yesterday's moment...

I wrote this last night but didn't post it. Let me note that I'm only posting it now because I feel better today, and I think it's important for me to chronicle this weird time in my life, the ups and downs. So:

Today was a blur. Not because I was so busy, but because I was so…not busy. I’ve read three novels in the past day and a half. I just realized the reason: it is more preferable to be in a fantasy world, the world inside a book, someone else’s story, than in my purgatory existence right now. I am numb. I am reclusive. I am not hungry. Not tired. Not sleeping. Not talking to many people. Not blogging. There is confusion about everything, it’s like I can’t do anything but doubt myself anymore. Did I suck at my job? Is that why they laid me off? Were they relieved to have a reason to let me go? Can I even write at all? Am I just spinning my wheels in advertising, and can I exist in this industry with all the unknowns and instability?

Will I ever feel “in love” again? Will I ever feel my heart leap at a phone call or an email from someone with potential? I honestly can’t remember that feeling. Right now all I can feel is this emptiness, this numbness, this self-doubt. I feel like everything I say is boring. That’s why I haven't been blogging, because I have nothing interesting to say.

I’m reading a memoir right now. About a woman’s dysfunctional childhood. I love reading these books for some reason; I never get tired of hearing others’ horrors of childhood and how they overcame them to become something, someone. To write a book. To be interesting enough for a complete stranger to want to read about one’s life. Like a blog, only on a giant scale.

Will I ever be a mother? Do I even want this? My body is so out of whack that my period hasn’t started this month; I don’t know how long it has been, and I don’t care. I don’t feel different, though; I just figure my body is on hold too; holding its breath to see wtf is going on here before regaining normal function. Then again, the way I feel right now is very PMS-esque…

I feel raw, I feel fragile. I feel fat, although I seem to still be shrinking. I feel sluggish. I cannot sleep to save my life. I’ve tried wine, I’ve tried sleeping aids, I’ve tried hot baths at 2am – nothing, my mind will not turn off. I think this is why I keep reading, devouring stories, ripping through book after book – to keep my mind from spinning out of control, considering all the possibilities and comparing them with bleak reality.

Today I made myself leave the house for the first time in 48 hours. I walked to the mailbox and back. Yippee for me. It felt good, though. Right now, right this moment, I would love to go outside and walk around my neighborhood in the pre-storm wind, smelling the coming rain, feeling the thunder before I can hear it. But I have this bizarre fear that a neighbor will call the police, thinking someone is creeping around ready to break into houses or something, since the pod people that live in my neighborhood (including myself) tend to not go outside after 6pm. It’s a ghost town out there. And now it’s after 2am, and I finally want to walk. I want to breathe in the air and feel the wind. Instead, I write this stream of consciousness crap, trying to purge my soul so perhaps I can rest.

I’m going to go take a bath with wine and maybe by dawn I’ll be exhausted enough to rest. Perhaps.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

on feeling old

Okaaayyy, I'm guessing no one dug the iTunes game in my previous post. Oh well.

I haven't been in the mood to blog. Or to socialize. Or to leave my house, for that matter. Yes, this has been lone lisa week.

The job I was all excited about in Denver? Got put on hold. They probably won't need someone til the 4th quarter. Um, that's September. God help me if I'm still unemployed by then. So we're back to the drawing board. And right now, the drawing board is blank.

I've been mulling over some stuff that is both career-related and bleak. It is based on something my mother said the other night; we were talking about my job hunt, and I said how no matter where I work, I am prone to get restless and bored after a couple of years. I've just always been that way. Anyway, she said something to the effect of "...but won't your age become a problem because as you get older it will be harder to find jobs because they'll want to hire young people straight out of school? chirp chirp?" Yes, leave it to Mom.

So today, I've been obsessing about that. Is it true? Am I screwing myself? Do I need to just find a comfy place to work, somewhere "stable" (read: boring), and just sit it out until retirement?? What am I thinking, that I can change jobs every 2-3 years until I'm 60? That thought more than terrifies me -- it paralyzes me. Not the changing jobs part, but the working til I'm 60 part.

Then I started thinking about money. Like, most people who change jobs end up getting some kind of raise. Raise, stock options, something. But it hit me -- there must be a ceiling at some point, right? When does this happen? Which then brought me back to my mom's comment of being too "old" to hire. Do you see where my mind has been all day? And there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop the aging process or inflation, so does that mean I'm destined to be destitute at some point??? I almost feel like I need to resurrect the old fantasy I used to have about marrying a big, strong, breadwinner who would take care of me forever and ever. But that thought now makes me want to throw up a little in my mouth.


So yes, we're feeling ooohhhhh sooooo positive and confident and experienced today. We're feeling sought-after and relaxed in this holding pattern. So what if I can't put my house on the market unless I have a job? Who cares that I have all this time but too much personal responsibility to go spend a month in Europe when I have no income? Where did all my bravado go??

The obvious answer is that I simply need to write a bestselling novel. Soon. I need to become a female Stephen King or a talented Danielle Steele. I need to prolifically pop out another best-seller every year or so until I die.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

name that tune

It's not that I have nothing to blog about, but I am feeling lazy and I saw this meme-ish thing on a random blog I visited and thought it was cool, so...I thought I'd hi-jack it. If you like it, knock yourself out! It seems like it will be fun. Here goes:

Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question. Post on your blog. Comment back if you post it on your site.

~Will I get far in life?
Utopia - Alanis Morissette (huh?)

~How do my friends see me?
Love Don't Cost a Thing - J Lo

~Where will I get married?
Such Reveries - Duncan Sheik

~What is my best friend’s theme song?
She Really Loved Him - Mike Figgis

~What is the story of my life?
Hanging on the Telephone - Blondie (Heh)

~What was high school like?
Superman (It's not Easy) - Five for Fighting (so true)

~How can I get ahead in life?
Plenty - Sarah McLachlan

~What is the best thing about me?
God is Watching You - Paula Cole (whoa. heavy.)

~How is today going to be?
I Was Hoping - Alanis Morissette

~What is in store for this weekend?
I'm With You - Avril Lavigne (o yeah baby)

~What song describes my parents?
You Can Still Rock in America - Night Ranger (hehe)

~My grandparents?
You Just Need a Home - Lucy Kaplansky (hm)

~How is my life going?
Heiwa (Peace) - Hiroshima

~What song will they play at my funeral?
Secret of the Sea - Anggun

~How does the world see me?
On the Breath of an Angel - Anggun

~Will I have a happy life?
Physical - Olivia Newton-John (I take it this is a good thing?)

~What do my friends really think of me?
Ironic - Alanis Morisette (interesting...)

~Do people secretly lust after me?
You're a God - Vertical Horizon (I guess that's a yes?)

~How can I make myself happy?
It Could Be Sweet - Portishead (ooh la la)

~What should I do with my life?
Precious Things - Tori Amos

~Will I ever have children?
7 - Moby (holy mother of God)

~What is some good advice?
Back in Baby's Arms - Patsy Cline

~What is my signature dancing song?
I'm Deranged - Trent Reznor (awesome)

~What do I think my current theme song is?
Ridiculous - Nicholas Cage

~What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Parting Gift - Fiona Apple (au revoir, people ;)

~What type of men/women do you like?
Walking - Jonatha Brooke (okaaaaaay...)

Well, that was somewhat interesting and somewhat weird. If you decide to do it, leave me a comment so I can link to you.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

where i succumb to the meme

Since I have nothing new with which to dazzle you all, I will take up the challenge posed by Crazy Momcat. The task: to list six weird things about myself. This should be ... really, really hard, because i'm quite weird. Only six??
Here goes:

1. Before bed, I have to put a thick layer of lotion on my...feet. Or else I can't sleep. Just my feet. That's right, although I am an admitted bath and body junkie, the only place on my body I am lotion-obsessed about is my feet. Although my mom has told me my Grandmother had the same quirk -- so THERE!

2. I have a perhaps unhealthy penchant for the grisly. That is, I love crime dramas on tv and in books -- the more disturbing, the better. That isn't to say I like violence, there's a big difference. I just have a fascination with ... hmm. Grisly crimes.

3. I hate lettuce.

4. I let a 23-lb cat tell me when to feed him, catnip him, and let him in the backyard. And I obey.

5. I must wear lipstick if I am anywhere but at my own home. I can go bare faced and messy haired, no problem with that -- but I Must. Have. Lipstick. And -- I don't think this is odd but my friends do -- I don't need a mirror to apply it perfectly. Even if it's bright red.

6. While I am deadly afraid/grossed out by insects of any kind, reptiles don't bother me. I have no problem handling lizards, frogs, even snakes -- well, as long as I know the snake isn't harmful. (I have a fond memory of a summer at Canyon Lake when I was about 12, chasing my "best friend" around with a green garden snake. It was tres cool. All the boys thought I was rad.)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

picture it

It is almost 2am and I'm wide awake, propped up in bed, laptop precariously balanced on a pillow on my lap, while I attempt to rub off the smudge of melted chocolate chip I just found on the inside of my elbow. oops. The hazards of eating chocolate in bed...

So I am now seriously dangling over the precipice that is my life, staring downward with wide eyes, heart pounding in my throat, waiting for the moment I know must be just around the corner...waiting...still waiting.... patience has never been my strong suit. And I can't really do much to speed it up, either. I must calm down and trust that the signs will continue to lead me in the right direction, the way I am supposed to go. In the meantime I wear out the Refresh button on my email, maniacally checking for new messages every 2 minutes.

But I have found something that makes me feel better, like I'm at least doing something towards preparing for what will surely be a quick turnaround when the time does come: packing. Not necessarily packing to move, but packing away crap I don't need. Putting knick knacks in boxes so when my house shows, it will look bigger, cleaner, less cluttered. I tackled my office today. Everything but the desk, which is tomorrow's project. There aren't many things that suck more than going through old dusty stacks of paper. Old bills you can't bring yourself to just toss for fear of handing out your identity, old checkbooks (what do you DO with those?? you can't store them forever), a few stray Christmas ornaments. My desk is a cornucopia of wonders, and I can hardly wait to see what else I find as I continue the excavation. BUT. The rest of my office is looking pretty good. The room looks bigger without all the stuff piled up on the floor everywhere, go figure. And as soon as I cleared off my chaise-lounge-style futon, Jess gamely jumped up on it, sniffed around, and settled in for a long catnap.

In other news, I finished one novel this morning and am close to finishing a different one tonight. I'm on a serious roll, catching up with all my trashy reading for the past few years.

Well, that's about all I have right now. I'm going to go check my email (because I'm sure that agency in Denver might send me a message at 1am their time) and attempt to sleep before dawn.

that is all.

Sunday, April 16, 2006


Europe speaks to me. It always has. There was a period in my life when I made a point to go every year. I felt like I was living day-to-day life in a haze, just trying to survive until the next time I could be away, over there. Just thinking of it, I go into a trance. Just now, I was looking at pictures of European real estate – and there it was, that familiar trance – where I’m staring at a picture (or recalling a memory) and my eyes go out of focus and my imagination takes over…and I’m there. I’m feeling how I would feel if I was there at that moment in time. I am fortunate in that I’ve been in some of the most amazing places in the world. Throughout all my travels, there are specific, pivotal moments I can pick out, snapshots I took in my mind. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not. Snapshots not only of how it looked at that moment, but how it felt, smelled, tasted, sounded.

And just like I can stare at a good painting and lose myself in it, in the story, in the emotion, in the details, I can do that simply from closing my eyes and picturing a quiet Paris street at 4am on New Year’s Day. Or sleepy Venice, and the way the sun hit the tops of the buildings as we trudged through cobblestone streets looking for our hotel. The skinny, aloof Italian alley cats. The way the narrow street echoed with children’s voices on Christmas morning in Barcelona. I can smell it. I can see it, I can feel it, I can breathe it. This is when I feel most alive. When I am traveling, I am so aware of these moments that it feels ultra-vivid, almost electric. Everything is bright, my mind recording everything that it can, to pull out and relive over and over again on a warm April night in Texas.

I can tick off those moments in my mind. The first time my feet touched the sidewalk in Paris. The first time I saw the Eiffel Tower. The first time I stood outside the train station in Venice and beheld the canal. The moment in that Paris apartment where a drunken Parisian girl followed me into the gigantic bathroom and hissed to me, in perfect English, “my boyfriend just gave me back my panties in front of my husband – what should I do??” Standing on the frail wooden bridge in Bavaria staring at the impossibly beautiful castle before me. Aware of the long, long drop beneath my feet. Keenly aware of the fragility of life and how we must take it all in. We must soak up as much as we can while we are here.

Which brings me to this thought: what in the world am I doing? Why am I even still here, in Austin, in Texas, much less the United States?? I feel like my real self is across the ocean. I can live life when I’m over there, in the moment, but for some reason, something holds me back when I’m here. I’m overwhelmed with a sadness at the time that I’ve wasted, and how much more I will waste, until I can quit thinking of it as an unattainable dream and just GO.

What freaks me out, and what we used to think about upon returning from our journeys, is that somewhere in Austin there is an Italian girl who considers this her nirvana. She traveled over the ocean, in the opposite direction, and feels alive here, as opposed to the stale green rolling hills and the beautiful, lilting dialogue of Italy.

And to that, I ask: WTF?

Of course, there are places in the U.S. that have moved me, and I have certainly not seen every place. But these places are missing the most important factor: distance. When I behold beauty in my own country vs. across the ocean, it lacks the sense of mystery, the sense of different, the sense of the exotic. The flaw is in the simple fact that I am not far, far away from everyday problems. Away from “real” life.

So why do I have to cross an ocean to feel like myself? To really enjoy life? To feel alive? Why can’t I capture that feeling here? Why do I feel stale and stuck here, but weightless and full of possibility there? Why do I let moments, days, weeks, even years slide by here, uneventful, as opposed to cherishing every second while in a different land?

Or is this just the normal thing that everyone feels, the yearning to live life constantly on vacation? Why do I feel like it’s more than that?

Geez, I need to plan a killer vacation, and soon. Or maybe, just pick up and move my life to another state. Hm...

mind numbing

I am so fucking bored. Yes, i said the f-word on Easter. I don't know what's wrong with me, but i'm jumping out of my skin. Everyone is busy but me, I have left what seems like dozens of voice-mail messages for people; my house is clean so nothing is hanging over my head; I'm not sleepy; there's nothing on tv, but even if there was I can't sit still. I tried to watch Sex and the City, but only made it through a few episodes. I feel like running around and doing jumping jacks, but there's not really enough space for that. And going outside -- well, it's hotter than hell out there. I'm hot just sitting still in my house. The bottom line is, I'm right there on the precipice of THINGS, major THINGS in my life, and there is not one damn thing I can do about it right now. Nothing. I've made lists. Now I'm trying to stay busy burning the last of my CD collection onto iTunes so I can pack up my CDs and get them out of my living room. Woo-hoo, it's almost too exciting to bear, people.

Messing with my CD collection stresses me out, anyway; I have the pile of "I SHOULD burn these to my computer, but I never listen to them; but they're part of my collection and if I pack them i'll NEVER listen to them; but I don't want to waste space on the ipod, yadda yadda...". Then there's the pile of "I hate these, I don't know why I have them." There are about 10 "undecideds", where I can see maybe at some point in my future wanting to hear a song, but is it worth taking the time and space to rip them? AAAGGHHH! This is what I'm doing to entertain myself. And I'm not that entertained. I'm sure you're not. Oh wait, you're not reading this, because everyone on the planet seems to have plans today!!!

Yes, I could have had plans. I had invitations, but the truth is, I'm not that into Easter unless I can be around my nephews. As much as I feel like talking to my friends today, I wasn't really in the mood to hang out with anyone. Does that make any sense?? Probably not.

Ok, WHY do some CDs take forever to rip while others are over in a minute? I don't get it.

I'm going insane. I'm not hungry, either. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. If I didn't have shit going on this week i'd jump in my car and head to Colorado right this minute. But GAHHHHH, i'm in a holding pattern.

that is all. this might be the suckiest blog entry ever. but hey, it killed a few minutes. if you're there, call me -- i'm B O R E D !!!

things are afoot

well things are definitely happening, the universe is in motion. I have this overwhelming sense that my world is about to be rocked. there have been little tremors up until now, but i got some news tonight about a job lead in Denver that could bring on a full-fledged earthquake. it is happening, people! the only thing I asked for were clear signs to lead me in the right direction, and boy howdy -- they're rolling in :)

not to be mysterious, but well, i'm going to be mysterious until i know more. but it might actually happen. i might actually be moving. this is a shake-up of mammoth proportions, and i intend to enjoy every bit of it! putting on my seatbelt now...

...more soon...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

boyfriend update

Ok ok, don't get all excited -- of course i'm talking about my jess. my ever-loyal, loves-me-unconditionally, adoring to the point of annoyance, more cushion for the pushin, gorgeous gray cat. I bring you evidence of his fine-ness:


See how he glows? See how shiny and gray he is? See his ripply girth? See how much free time I have on my hands???

(and, see the little wooden box on the shelf of the bookcase behind him? that's Meggie.)

But no worries, tomorrow I actually have a purpose and a goal. (yes, both.) I am meeting with a couple of recruiters in the afternoon, one for Austin and one for Denver. Let the games begin. Am I any more clear on what I'm doing now than I was a month ago? No. But. I am no longer completely overwhelmed at the thought of moving. I've even been poking around on the internet, looking at housing options, and I am realizing that I SOOOO need a change of scenery. Even if I end up staying in Austin for now, I'm ready to get out of this house. It has served me well, but I'm bored. And I H.A.T.E. the yard. I'm so sick of it. I want more indoor space and less outdoor space. And a view of the mountains wouldn't be bad... not bad at all...

Anyway, the realtor meeting is Friday, so between now and then I need to get my house looking less...bachelorette-ish. It's not dirty, it's just messy. Um, yeah. My brother and his wife are also staying with me Friday night, so that's another reason to clean. My office is a disaster. Maybe I'll start there. I was going to go to Target and buy a bunch of plastic storage boxes, but then I looked around and realized I really just need a bunch of trash bags. Goodwill, here I come. Again.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately (go figure) and it seems other people are full of deep thoughts and thoughtful insights, whereas all I can manage right now is the "hello, I'm alive and broke" entries. I guess it's a phase, I hope it's a phase. I'm searching my brain for insights, but I have...none. Not right now. Not many deep thoughts beyond how I'm going to pay the next bill. But believe me, as soon as I have a deep thought, I'll surely share it with my lovely Internet friends.

For now, au revoir -- i'm going to slug another glass of Target box wine (shut up, don't judge me, you probably have a job) and try to put myself to bed before 2am...

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

bits -n- pieces

I have not updated because I didn't think I had anything interesting to write about lately. However, after a short IM conversation with Babs today, I discovered maybe some of what's been going on is somewhat interesting. Or maybe not. But whatever, here goes - hold on to your hats people, it's all very exciting:

1. I [Heart] Taylor on AI.
2. I'm averaging one mystery novel every 2 days.
3. I've become bored with sleep. Also, did you know that when you're bored out of your mind, your dreams are even boring??? S.U.C.K.
4. My realtor is coming over Friday to look at my house and talk about putting it on the market in the near future. This is the third time I've had her do this in the past 4 years, but I think it might stick this time.
5. I am meeting with a recruiter on Thursday. I am also going to meet her Denver counterpart, who will just happen to be in the office on the same afternoon. Tres interesting, no?
6. I'm joining my parents and my sis at my dad's yearly VHPA reunion over July 4th - this year in D.C.
7. ...unless I'm married to Rocco and living in Italy by July 4.
8. i accidentally napped through Grey's Anatomy Sunday night and am plagued with the thought that I missed something pivotal. But i'm too scared to ask anyone.
9. I was sleepy Sunday night because Sarah was in town over the weekend and we ate a lot, drank bellinis at her bridal shower a lot, and gossiped a lot. ExHAUSTing. ;)
10. Last night i had a vivid dream in which my sistah had a baby GIRL. This is what happens when one's mind is not stimulated enough during waking hours...
11. During the past week, I have reconnected with two dear friends with whom I hadn't been in touch for quite a while. It feels awesome.

If I think of anything else, I'll letcha know...

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

On becoming my mother

I said it would never happen. Not that my mom is dreadful or anything, I just thought I was always going to be young and hip. But as I was propped up on a pile of pillows in bed last night, reading a mystery novel about 2 inches from my face, flanked by cats, a box of kleenex parked next to me, it hit me. O.M.G.

It's occurred to me before, but not as blatently. Sometimes I'll say something in a certain way and think "ACK - mom expression" -- but this, this is out of control.

More evidence: my bedside table is way cluttered. There is a pile of at least 7 books I either haven't started or started and never finished. Bottles of lotion and lip balm. An empty water glass. A candle. A cat. No wonder I have trouble waking up early these days, my alarm clock is literally buried. And if you open the top drawer of the table, you will find an arsenal of prescription drugs, more lotion, more lip balm -- you get the idea. MOM.

Of course the obvious difference is I am not a mom at all. Or even married. I am a single cat lady who loves Target and TJ Maxx and American Idol. I have an iPod and drive a Toyota. I have a messy home. Wait, i'm my mom again (just kidding MOM).

It is times like these that I wonder if there's something wrong with me that I'm content to read a mystery in bed with my cats as opposed to DATING. I have to say, I'm just not in the mood to "date". Dating sucks. The quasi-relationship I am in is just fine for me. I keep waiting to get starry eyed and yearn for more or something, but it doesn't seem to be happening. THEN I wonder, am I going to be satisfied in 10 years? Because by then my baby options will be pretty much over, even if I'm part of a couple. Am I just being lazy? Should I try harder? But...I just don't FEEL like it. I like being alone. I like the company of my cats, who are generally quiet and accepting and affectionate with no strings (except catnip, which I can deal with). I have a million other excuses -- my weight, my unemployment, my hair -- but it all boils down to this: I'm content with my single life and not in the mood to shake things up.

So for now I will remain propped up in my queen-sized bed, just the right size to accommodate myself and 32-lbs. worth of juicy cats. I will keep pushing through my stack of books and using copious amounts of kleenex. Maybe I will be inspired at some point, but for now, this is just fine. MOM. :)

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Draculita checks in

So the tranformation is complete: I am almost entirely nocturnal now. sigh. I go from feeling anxious about it to wondering why I feel anxious about it because it's not like I have a set schedule right now. And I figure hey, at least i'm not sleeping in a coffin... yet.

So, things that have happened since I last checked in:

=I babysat for Tam's awesome kiddos Saturday night
=I've applied for more jobs, both here and in CO (yes, I took the initial plunge...)
=I've discovered that either my house has a water leak somewhere or the utility co. is screwing with me b/c my water bill has been getting increasingly outrageous for the past 3 months
=I've rescued the first lizard of spring from Piper -- she was chasing it around in my laundry pile earlier and I caught it and put it back outside. I figure i'll give the lizard a headstart and not let the cats back out for a few hours.
=I finally got my iTunes moved from my iPod to my new iBook -- no easy feat, and I ended up having to use an unauthorized-by-Apple utility to do it, but all is well and good now.

That's My to-do list isn't shrinking, so maybe tomorrow i'll attempt to reset my internal clock and have more hours of daylight in which to be productive. ahem.

Also, thanks to Sarah for sending me more pictures from my recent CA trip:

Saturday, April 01, 2006

The newest installment in an ongoing series of late-night ramblings

The night is definitely the hardest part. By nighttime, I am full of regret for things I didn’t do that day; full of guilt at not eating right lately; and full of fear that I won’t get a job, that no one will hire me, that no one will even call me for an interview. It’s very strange, troublesome, that I am sort of “competing” for the same jobs with several of my friends right now. It makes me uncomfortable, but what are you going to do? It’s a very weird time. I wonder if it’s a mid/late-30s thing. BT finally got a job, after almost a year since he quit his last one. Not counting the months he spent in NM. He starts on Monday. He has mixed feelings – relief and dread. I so get it – I think that’s how I’ll feel too. Because of course I know logically that I will get another job. I am definitely not freaking out during this bout of unemployment like I did 5 years ago, so that’s better. So I will be a little sad when things go back to routine. Then again, I suppose it will be a different routine no matter what it is or where it is. Which brings me to the big question: where to go? Right now I’ve only applied to jobs in Austin. There are several jobs in Colorado that I’m qualified for, but I haven’t taken that plunge yet. I feel like once I submit my resume in another state, the can of worms has been opened. And that makes me feel both excited and panicky.

I had a very vivid dream last night that I had decided, definitively, that I was going to move to CO. And I felt this huge freedom, this immense sense of relief. And no fear. And even while still dreaming, I was cognizant of the fact that it was a dream, but maybe I would feel better about everything when I woke up. And I did, but the fear was back. I have spent the last 12 years building a life in Austin. I have roots here. I have a home, I have friends that are like family. I have a network of career contacts. I have a LIFE. Then why am I so intrigued at the thought of starting over? I have felt brief sparks of that excited twinge I get when I think about moving into a new place – how cool it is to change environments, to change up routine. I would be close to my nephews. I could build a life in Denver. But in 12 years, I’ll be 48 (GASP) and I don’t want to be aimless way into my 40s, still trying to find my way in the world.

Then there’s the forbidden option, the scariest idea of all, and the one that of course tantalizes me late at night, making a mess of my guts. There is the sell-it-all-and-move-to-Europe option. Worry about getting a job when I get there. Besides the obvious logistical problems of, well, selling everything, there’s also the issue of my kitties, who I couldn’t see leaving behind. And when I start thinking about the details of making it happen, I get anxious and tired and flip on NYPD Blue (because it comes on Court TV at 3am, did you know??) and blitz out until I fall into a fitful sleep. And the next morning (and it’s getting to be late morning, these days) I feel fresh again, and hopeful, and optimistic. And then the whole process begins again. Until I arrive here the next night, at 2:30am, obsessing and blogging, blogging and obsessing. Again.

I don’t even know if this makes sense. At least I don’t feel paralyzed this week; I finished updating my resume and started sending it out, so that’s progress. I want to start planning for my CO trip, but that’s delving into the forbidden can of worms…

…but of all insects, I suppose worms are pretty innocuous. Worms aren’t so bad, are they?

[aside; seemed like a nice little closing statement when I typed it, until my restless, tired mind reached into the depths of my memory to Friday Fright Night in Kansas in the late 70s. Every Friday there was a different horrible horror movie and the worst one of all still haunts me: Squirm. If you haven’t seen it…well I don’t know what to tell you. I really wish I could forget…]

fucking worms.