Sunday, April 03, 2005

Hissing with a wide spray of venom

Poisonous venom, actually. That is me right now. A friend of mine mentioned that my ex-husband had updated his website with another writing atrocity. This one was about his bigoted view on "fat people". This is a HUGE trigger for me, and I'm sure it's part of my problem now with the whole weight thing. I lived with this man, I shared a bed with him, I spent time with him -- and he is SUCH a monumental, small-minded asshole I can't even stand it that I gave him the time of day, much less MARRIED him.

I will not subject anyone to his site because it would give him such pleasure to know it pisses me off and more, that it pisses me off enough to send people there to see for themselves. I will just say that he wrote a story that he probably finds very humorous, about his encounter with an obese woman. He probably thinks he's a fucking creative genius, actually. He probably called his short list of "friends" to brag and to direct them to the site, to witness his genius for themselves. I. Hate. Him.

The long and short of it, as documented in his "story", is that he is disgusted with overweight people. More like repulsed, really. He sees anyone who is overweight as lazy, stupid, and as below status of a "normal" human being. He truly thinks he is superior to someone who is overweight. He is not shy about voicing his opinion. I heard it a lot during our marriage. Gosh, I think I gained maybe 10 pounds after we got married? Making me perhaps 130 pounds?? And he would say regularly, "Just don't get any fatter, okay?" He would monitor what I ate. When he got back from a hunting trip with the guys he would rummage through our GARBAGE looking for evidence that I was a fatass who secretly ate dozens of donuts behind his back. He sincerely thought I was on my way to obesity, and wanted to stop it. And he sold me on this, hook line and sinker. I hated myself. I would look at my imperfect body in the mirror and pinch and prod places where women are actually supposed to have fat. I was disgusted with myself. I felt unworthy of love, from anyone. I felt invisible for many years. Literally. I felt no one would/could notice me because I was so gross. At 130 pounds. This eventually spiraled out of control and I gained 30-35 more pounds over the course of our marriage -- still not "obese" by any means -- but I think now I did it to repel him. To keep him away from me. But once I was free of him, I lost 5-10 lbs a week, steadily, til I was my college weight again. Below my college weight. Skinny enough that people were worried about me. But me? I felt GREAT. I had a new boyfriend who appreciated every inch of me -- and he did do wonders for my self esteem, in the long run. But at the time, it only went to reinforce the message my ex had hammered into my brain for years. I was only pretty, sexy, worthy of having attention, because I was finally thin again. Oh, how I revelled in my thinness. I racked up great mounds of debt buying every cute item of clothing that caught my eye -- I was making up for the last 4 years when I hated buying clothes (in like an 8 or 10 -- oooh, how horrible was that?). Now I was buying 2s and 4s, and loving it.

Of course there were other issues, including the huge one, depression, but the basic facts were there: I hated myself when "fat", loved myself when "skinny". I wouldn't listen to anyone. I became bony, but I didn't care. I loved to lie on my side and feel my hip bones jutting out. I loved lying on my back and feeling my concave tummy. All of that seems so surreal to me now, as I'm heavier than I've ever been and believe me, NOTHING is concave. What is this all about? What's the deal? How did this happen?

Maybe, just maybe, when I became unhappy again, when my perfect magic little lollipop post-divorce bubble began to collapse and become real life, somewhere in there I freaked out and started eating again. For comfort. For a brief high. Food was a fix. I also felt invincible, since I'd been thin for a couple of years now and "could eat anything" -- yeah, that only worked because I ate, essentially, nothing. But I was eating again now and the weight came on very quickly, like it was anxious to re-inhabit my body, like it had missed my belly, my hips, my thighs. And gosh, things fell apart. With my boyfriend. With my finances. Now somewhere in there I did score a great job I loved, but that is really all I had for a long time. My work. Is that still all I have?? Am I destined to be one of those career-oriented women who never has a family or falls in love? Am I so heady in my independence that I won't allow myself to open up just a teeny tiny bit? Or is it more mentally sinister; Is it that I feel I am simply sub-par at this weight and no one could possibly want to be with me. I cannot attract anyone because I am not attractive, plain and simple.

And here's the final straw that is crippling the camel, that Thing of Which We Do Not Speak. That, my friends, that is the hold that CJ has on me. The only hold he's ever had, if you get right down to it. We have nothing in common but a few random things that would not sustain a "real" relationship. He makes me laugh, but hell, I make myself laugh. He is beautiful. That does have a lot to do with it, but not in and of itself. The thing here is that he is beautiful AND he likes my body just the way it is. He has never had any kind of issue with my weight, he has always been attracted to me no matter what I've weighed. THAT is the hook. That is why I keep him around like crack, for another kind of "fix". When we spend time together, my self esteem will get a temporary boost and I won't feel so bad about myself for a few days, even a week. But then it will wear off again. And yes, I know this is messed up. I know.

The most messed up thing about it is that I am getting possibly my only ego boost in years from a guy I do not love, who does not love me, with whom I have never had a "real" conversation with, someone who really doesn't know me at all even after almost 5 years. This is the person my self-esteem depends on right now. Because in my mind, my physical appearance is so tied up with my overall worth that I can't give any thought to my other qualities until I am beautiful again. And I can only be beautiful if I'm THIN. It is a big circular mess. A mess I can identify, understand, talk about, but not seem to clean up.

I did not intend for this entry to go as far as it has. But I am not going to delete or edit it, I am leaving it because that is the way it came out of me. I am putting it out there as part of my process of self discovery, and I am only sharing it with people I trust and care about. People with whom I feel safe. I know a lot of you will have things to say and while I appreciate your caring, I am not looking for advice on this topic -- I'm just trying to figure it out, and I'm sharing the process with you.

So for now, what happens in the blog, stays in the blog -- deal? ;) I may totally change my mind tomorrow and call everyone to check in, but for now I'm done with this topic.

And that is about all I can handle on this Sunday night. I don't know about you, but I personally feel a whole lot better than I did about an hour ago when I started writing. So goodnight.

1 comment:

Alysia Autry said...

Who's CJ? And I can't believe I have been missing this blog for this long. I am just now checking it for the first time. My son, of course, if complaining about something, watching a "Tom and Jerry" rerun; my husband is on a dinner date with a (female) colleague and I crave quiet time on the computer. So, now I am hooked! And I miss you! Please come visit me!! Babysitter is available!