Tuesday, April 19, 2005


Tonight as I was curled up on my couch watching bad t.v., something dawned on me. I was looking around my messy living room, thinking that it looked almost as bad as when I had my broken leg --- and then it hit me. Today. Two years ago Today I had my car accident. Two years ago, at this time, I believe I was still at a hospital in San Antonio.

I have time issues, as you probably know, and I pretty much freak out on a daily basis about the passage of it. Time, that is. But. This is ridiculous. TWO YEARS??? What have I been doing?? Why do I feel no further along in life?? Why do I feel like I've been wasting my alive-ness? Because after the accident, I was filled with this sense of having been spared for a reason. Something important must be in store for me. I was sure of it.

Then I think back to where I was, really, two years ago. I was in this same house, with substantially more debt than I have now. I had one less nephew. Neither Eli (Tam's son), Ava (Hope's daughter) or Madeline (Ann's daughter) had been born. Two of them weren't even a gleam in the eye of the universe yet. I had a job I absolutely DESPISED. A job I took out of desperation from being out of a job for a year. A job where every day I felt I was spinning my wheels, letting any sort of talent at anything just slide away, letting my brain turn to mush, being numb to block out the enormous boredom. However, it was at that job that I made several very good friends who I still have and intend on keeping around (Sarah and Matt ;).

So what have I been doing? Well, I suppose I have been paying off my debt; belly-watching; baby-watching; finding a new job that I love; feeling talented again; and spending time with my friends and family. And just in the past year, I reconnected with a couple of old and dear friends I'd fallen out of touch with, and I started this Blog, which has been an amazing creative outlet for me.

Sounds better when I put it that way, doesn't it? Well then why do I feel like it's not.....enough? If I were to die in the same car wreck tomorrow, what would I leave behind? Some killer headlines? A few Toshiba ads? No... but I would leave behind people, people I care about, people who have touched my life, people who I have affected by living.

So it's worth it, right?
Wait - don't answer that. I already know.

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