Thursday, April 28, 2005

Down by the river

This is where i think i'd like to be today. And i'm not even a big water lover. Except when it comes to baths, of course.

I am so close to the river at work -- sorry, the "lake". Silly Texans. Sometimes we even go to The Pier for lunch. But it's dangerous to do so on pretty days like today, because the temptation to jump in and just float downstream is almost overwhelming. So on pretty days like today, I stay in and eat at my desk. Because it's easier on my psyche. Sad? Perhaps. But it's all about survival, people.

So Babs just sent me my horoscope for today, ala Jonathan Cainer, and I have to admit it's eerie. Check it out:

"You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to validate your existence by owning or achieving something. The Joneses of this world, don't need to be kept up with, they need to be kept away from. Somehow, though, you now feel as if you are under pressure to do something that doesn't come very naturally to you. Don't just steam ahead out of a sense of obligation, ask yourself why you are even bothering to play a certain game?"

Huh. It seems so right on, and yet, what the heck could it be talking about? I guess the glaringly obvious thing would be the CJ Situation. But -- I don't feel any sense of obligation to him, and I'm actually rather enjoying the game. Hmm. Could it be talking about work? The competitiveness and my personal need to do well? The constant pressure? Maybe. But isn't that normal at work? I do like the part where it says I don't have to validate my existence by owning or achieving something. Because that, my friends, is the story of my life.

This week in particular, after witnessing one of my best friends give birth to her daughter, I have been thinking a lot about children, or my lack thereof. Childbirth? It ain't glamorous, people -- yet it's so beautifully natural. It's breathtaking to see a woman's body in action, doing what it was designed to do. Make, nurture, then birth another human being. Boobs? They're for feeding this person. Hips? They're for birthing this person. Belly? It's meant to carry this person for 9 months. And other girl parts? Well... you get what I'm saying.

The whole experience has me feeling like so many things I spend energy worrying about are completely insignificant. Brings me back to my lament of late, wondering what my whole Purpose on this Earth is. If it's not to raise fabulous little people to carry on civilization, then what is it? Except. The horoscope sets me free! I don't need to prove my worth by achievement. Well. Sounds appealing, but i'm not so sure about that.

I keep thinking of that Army commercial where the daughter is trying to justify to her father why she went and done signed up for that thar war. What is it she says? "If I help just one person be successful, then that makes me successful, right?" This is kinda deep in a scary shouldn't-be-in-a-commercial kinda way. And I'm even in advertising.

So, what if I never have kids? And it's a very real possibility, given my age, situation and current mindset. Is it enough that I cherish my role in the lives of other people's children whom I love? Does it count that I want to be a positive influence in their lives, a person they trust and who they feel they can always talk to? Someone their parents feel comfortable letting their children talk to? Is that enough? Being Auntie Lisa, or surrogate Auntie Lisa?

Ok, what about that AND a life-altering novel?

(I will write more about the birth at some point. This is all I can manage at the moment. But don't worry -- I will NOT forget.)

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