Monday, April 25, 2005

I am not a loser

Ok y'all, I just reread my school lunch post from Friday and realized I made myself sound really pathetic and friendless. And this actually wasn't the case. The real issue was not my lack of friends, because I have always had plenty of friends (except on the first day at a new school, duh). The real issue was my lack of confidence. I can't really remember a time when I didn't worry that I would be perceived as inferior. I spent a LOT of time worrying about what other people thought of me. Way too much time. This rampant low-self image finally tapered off when I got to college. I really blossomed in college, being away from the cliques and able to "start over", discovering who and how I wanted to be. I learned way more about myself in college than about any academic subject. But I still do care what people think, and am sheepish to say I make decisions too often based on perception. I hope I don't have to be 80 yrs old, 500 lbs. and bald before I can relax and say "you know what? either you like me or you don't." I hope I reach that point sooner.

I still keep in touch with several friends from my early childhood days. There's Meredith, who I met in 4th grade in Kansas. I keep up with what's going on with Kirsten, who was my best friend when I was 3-4 years old, in Tennessee. Also Melissa, from 2nd grade. From high school, I have kept up with Ann and Christine, but everyone else was expendable - HA! I do know what Chris is up to, through the grapevine, but we haven't actually talked in about 10 years. WOW. Anyway...

I just didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me -- see! This whole entry is just a testament to what I said about worrying what people think of me. Wow. So. I already wrote it, so i'm not deleting it on principle. But you get the point - right??

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