All night I have been cagily circling my computer; drawn to it, during a commercial I get up, drift towards it, maybe even check my email real quick -- then retreat back to the couch and a warm cat and a threadbare blanket. (why is it that I still use the same blanket I've had since I was a child? my mom probably got it when she got married -- it's ratty, bright orange, and as many trips as I've made to Pottery Barn over the years you'd think just ONCE I would've thought to replace it with maybe something neutral and fleecy. You'd think.)
So I finally turned off the television and just sat for a while, cat upon my shoulder, insistently purring in my ear, a grey cat arm slung possessively over my neck. Curled up under a 70s-orange blanket. On a couch that is all lopsided b/c while down filling is comfy, it's also lumpy and unattractive after about 6 months -- let alone 6 years. But I digress. I sit in the relative silence and watch the candles burn. I listen to my cat wheeze. Why won't I go near my computer. I think I know why, really; although I haven't looked directly AT these things today, in the background I have been working out all this...stuff. Deep stuff. But I haven't wanted to talk about it or even really think about it. It's just there, just underneath, threatening to come gushing out if I get ahold of a keyboard, and...well damn it all to hell. Things are bothering me, okay? My weekend bothered me -- after HH Friday night
[I have to interrupt here b/c my little kitty, Piper, just knocked down a tower of large plastic rubbermaid boxes stacked in my office closet, containing things like Christmas ornaments, papers, gift bags -- she has been trying to topple it for weeks and just succeeded. I look over and all I can see is a tail under all the rubble. She struggles a bit, backing herself out, all the while listening to my raised voice: "Dammit Piper, did we LEARN something? Huh? Did we? What have I been TELLING you?" She finally comes bouncing over to me proudly, chirping, mistaking my irritation for praise. sigh.]
after HH Friday night, I walked in the door at 9 and fell asleep on the couch. Woo-woo, wild party night. It bothers me that even though it was gorgeous all weekend long, I could not make myself leave the safety of my house. I ventured into the backyard for a few minutes, but then I saw a spiderweb on my porch and went back inside. I wanted to call Babs maybe, go walking around Town Lake. But I didn't. I wanted to call Hope or Tam and see if I could hang out that evening -- but I didn't. I wanted to call CJ and see what state he is in and if he's coming back -- but that's a whole other ball of wax. Tam even invited me to yoga with her and Hope Sunday, and up until 20 minutes before I needed to leave, I actually thought I could motivate myself to get off the couch and go. But I didn't.
It bothers me that while I look forward to these weekends of solitude, long, lovely weekends where I have no plans, that after doing nothing and having no plans for 2 days I end up depressed on Sunday night, wondering where the weekend went and why did I not accomplish ONE THING. Oh, I forgot, I did do one thing; in a burst of energy, I put all my gunky soap dishes in a sink of hot water and let them soak for several hours until the gunk came off. Yeah, that's it. Shut up.
Other things are swirling around too -- like
- why is it so impossible for me to get to work before 9 am? Some people, lots of people even, have to be at work by 8. This idea fills me with dread and disbelief.
- Why is it impossible for me to go to bed before midnight? no matter how tired I am? (barring the nights where I've had a margarita or a glass of wine, then I pass out on the couch early and move to the bed sometime around 2am.)
- why have I thought about exercising for years, even visualized it, even joined several gyms over my adulthood, and I still can't make myself do it? I know I will feel better. I do feel better on the rare occasions when I summon enough oomph to move about and work up a sweat. But I Hate Every Moment Of It. The only things I don't hate : hiking around Austin trails when it's not hot and rollerblading -- both things I don't feel comfortable doing alone for various reasons. So there you go.
- why is it so hard to change a routine?
- why couldn't I stick to my new plan for Eating Less at Restaurants for even one lousy day??? (if you must know, my Allure magazine suggests putting one of those vile Listerine breath strips on your tongue before you order, then you won't be hungry and everything will taste weird. Makes sense, right???)
Gosh, I could go on and on. Maybe I just have a bad case of the "mondays" or am PMSing- I don't know. But I feel sad and defeated and bloated and sluggish and now it's time to head to bed. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll summon the motivation to take a bubble bath -- or even -- sit down for this one -- shave my legs.
that is all and goodnight.