Thursday, March 03, 2005

On another note, let's discuss cat ass

When I get really frustrated with the kitties, I say in a very stern, mean-sounding voice, "if I catch who did that i'm going to kick some major CAT-ASS." I'd like to say they all flee in terror and awe, but you know ... they're cats. They don't move. Well, maybe a tail flick, but that's it.

Well Jess's latest thing (and I know, every week he has another "latest thing" -- but he's a cat) is to push my head completely off my pillow while I sleep and then spread out his massive body over the entire thing and rest his paw/foot on my face. My face that is now flat on the mattress, with my nose rapidly stuffing up due to the lack of incline. That crafty cat. Well let's just say this phase is getting old, but I'm not sure how to stop it. I noticed my geriatric cat, Meggie, has also discovered the joy that is a down-filled pillow as of late. And if I start thinking about this too much, I get ooged out. Beyond the obvious cat ass, where have their feet been? Or their scratchy little tongues, for that matter? Ick. Best not to think of that, but it's hard not to when you wake up with a butt in your face.

So I brought this up at a recent happy hour (no comment please and yes this is part of the reason why i'm single) and a fellow cat-owner suggested propping the pillows up during the day so the cats cannot sleep on them at least while i'm not there. This works pretty well. Or it did, until Megs figured out how to flip them down again. SIGH.

My only other alternative is to ignore Jess and just put my head ON him, as if he IS the pillow -- and he doesn't seem to mind. It's not quite as comfortable, but eventually he moves. It's not like I can lock him out at night -- HA HA on the foolish person who tries that with MY cats. I'll never forget the first night my ex and I spent in our little shared house, and how he announced "The cats aren't allowed in the bedroom. We're going to close the door at night." And I was like "Uh, no we're not." And he said "Yes we are." and I just smiled and said "ooooo-kay..." Sure enough an hour and many hoarse cat screams later, he let Jess in and that was the end of that. Not only was Jess yeowlling, he was also throwing his rather abundant body against the old door, making the doorknob and even the hardwood floors rattle. So there you go. I also always secretly thought, hell, Jess was here first, just try and kick him off the bed -- and as I suspected, Jess outlasted that ex and all the others since then. All two of them. Yeah.

There really is no point to this. I just wanted to share my cat-ass dilemma. Although if anyone has a solution that has worked for them, please, do share. Otherwise i'm back to either a stiff neck or a stopped-up nose.


Crazy MomCat said...

I have no solutions. But, I thought your discussion topic was so hilarious that I told my husband about it last night. We both laughed about it, then started getting paranoid about our cat's ass and feet and where THEY have been. Thanks a LOT! (giggle)

matthewstoryteller said...

Well, I'm proud to know that my pillow solution worked for at least a little while. :)
I must share my own transformation to a cat owner, thanks to my lovely wife.
I recall early on in our relationship that I would rant and rave. The words "utter filth" and "living in a zoo" were bandied about while my then fiance patiently looked on and waited for me to cool off.

Needless to say, after 3+ years of marriage and living with a sickly old cat, nothing phases me anymore.
I rarely think about the cat-ass anymore, and when we find evidence of what we lovingly refer to as the "sh*t-foot," we just change the sheets, wipe down the counters and go on with life.

How could we not? He's our "special" boy. :D