I keep thinking I have something to say, something that wants to come out, but when I sit down to write about it? It disappears. And I end up sitting in front of a blank screen, again, not sure what to write about because my mind is totally blank -- again.
Ok, here comes something; I don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling rather anti-social lately. Not with my close buds, but with anyone else; even work people, who I really do like. At first I thought I was just tired and burned out from working so much as of late. Which is at least partly true – but I realize now that’s not the whole problem. The word that keeps coming to my mind is “overwhelmed”. I feel that way about work, about family, about social things. About my house. So many things, so much to do, and as a result I end up paralyzed, vegging out by myself one more night. Here are some things that have been swirling around in my head, disturbing my sleep, causing me to have weird kissing dreams about people i do NOT want to kiss...
1. Time is going by so fast that I have no concept of its passage. This is freaking me out, people. I can’t believe I’m already 35. I can’t believe I’ve been at my “new” job for a year now (as of yesterday). I can’t believe it’s going to be Christmas soon. (Yes! It is!) My trip in August is going to be here in a heartbeat, the way things have been going. And this is really bothering me lately because another year is going to go by and the major things in my life I’ve identified as problems are going to be around for another year. And with each year that goes by, I feel more and more helpless to fix these things. The longer I go without dating? The less I want to. The truth is, right now I’m completely happy to be by myself. And that scares me. I can only think of maybe two things a guy would be good for in my life right now. Maybe even just one. No, the lawn needs mowing…two. The same goes for dieting/exercising – each day, each week, each year that goes by, I feel less motivated and more helpless and numb about the whole thing.
2. My sister and her family are moving to Colorado in about 3 weeks. This is a happy, good thing for them, and cool for me b/c hey, I love CO and now I can go there several times a year. The downside? I’ll only see them several times a year. My nephews will grow and change and maybe they won’t even remember me too much when I go see them. I don’t want to be a distant Aunt, someone who’s pretty much a stranger except for a few days every year. I have never felt terribly close to any of my extended family, and I’m pretty sure it’s because we have always lived in different states, different cities. I want to be a significant part of my nephews’ lives. So the fact that they’re moving, so soon, is really freaking me out.
3. I so need to get away for a weekend, but by the time the weekends get here I’m so tired I don’t want to do anything but veg or lately, go to various birthday celebrations for various family members. I have been trying to plan two trips to Houston for MONTHS now, and for some reason I can’t get it together. I have two dear friends there, Alysia and Stephanie, and I think about them every day. I also have my friend Kelly in Dallas. And Ann in Alabama. Meredith in Missouri. Sarah in San Francisco. (and no, the alliteration is not lost on me). And on and on. So many places to go, so many people to see, and so little energy. Every week I think “maybe this next weekend” and then something happens. I keep telling myself to just sit down w/a calendar and just make plans, but I can’t seem to coordinate it well enough. Why is it so hard to take a couple days off for myself? Just a couple days here, a couple there…why can I set aside a week in August, but I can’t seem to go away just for a weekend now?? I feel like I am just devoid of energy for myself. I feel stuck. And each weekend that goes by without me making definitive plans to go visit someone, the more guilty I feel and the more stressed I get about how much time has gone by. And the fear that is underlying all this? That if I can’t even get my shit together enough to go to Houston, two hours away, for a weekend, who am I kidding that I’ll be getting up to Colorado as often as I’m telling myself???
There’s just not enough time in the whole world for everyone and everything. I want so bad to just STOP TIME for a few weeks, even a month, and just catch up on things I want to do. Hell, even a year. Nothing I “should” do, but things I WANT to do. I want work to just freeze and wait for me. I want my metabolism to run on ahead, I’ll catch up later. I want to take leisurely trips to see all my dear friends. I want to spend more quality time with my friends who live in Austin, more time with my family in San Antonio. I want to do all this without feeling rushed. Without guilt. Without shame at my inability to get my shit together.
3. And now for the smaller things, but troublesome things nonetheless. I need to get my car fixed. Not only all the dents I’ve been accumulating in the last two years, but I need to get the oil changed. The tires rotated. I need to get the inspection updated. I need to have someone show me how to put the damn registration sticker in the windshield instead of it just sitting on my dashboard, all ripped up from my futile attempts to unstick it. I have a college degree, and I write about technology for a living, and I can assemble elaborate pieces of fake-wood furniture from Ikea BY MYSELF, but I can’t put the sticker in the window. What’s wrong with this scenario??
4. I need to renew my passport. It’s getting down to the wire here, I need it for the cruise in August. I can’t even quite believe I let it expire. But I can’t seem to make myself go to the post office and stand in line and fill out papers etc etc etc.
This is rapidly turning into a pathetic “to-do” list, so I’m going to stop. For now.
I’m trying to decide if I feel any better getting all that out. So far? No. But maybe it will help me to refer back to this list. Maybe I can climb out of the quicksand that is sucking my time and energy and DO something. What I need is a GIANT dose of inspiration. From SOMEWHERE. Oh, and self-discipline. That too. Know where I can get some??? Because until I find it inside myself? I’m afraid I’m going to stay on my couch, cowering from life, watching the moments click by, moments turning into weeks, then years. And that. It terrifies me.