Tonight I had my first brush with honest-to-goodness road rage -- I figured it must be what they talk about, because I actually considered spinning my car around and chasing down the offending minivan in an attempt at intimidation. But we live in the same subdivision, so i didn't think it would be smart. However, the dumbass in the minivan didn't think THIS was a problem:
To the minivan a**hole that honked at me tonight:
You. Suck. In case you didn't notice, the roads were wet, it was dark, and cars were zooming towards us from the other direction as we waited to turn left into our neighborhood. These are not conditions under which I take chances. EVER. And even though you couldn't possibly know that almost 2 years ago I hydroplaned on a damp road and had a horrible head-on collision with a Tahoe; and how the resulting health problems plagued me for a year; and how my nephew's baptism had to be postponed TWICE because of this wreck and its aftermath. You couldn't know this, but maybe in the future you'll think before you so rudely honk. I'm sorry, I'll wait an extra 30 seconds before jumping out in front of an oncoming car -- and if you're behind me, well i might be saving your life too.
WHAT exactly made you think it was okay to HONK?? TWICE?? Were you rushing home for the Oscars? Because you needn't have rushed, they still went til after 10.... The second time I honked back a "f*** you" honk, and I'm proud to say it did indeed say exactly that and more. In a stroke of momentary horn-honking genius, I managed to pop out the perfect honk to answer your insistent, whiney, impatient honk. Mine said "I am not a grandma, I am not going before I'm good damn and ready, and btw: f*** you."
I'm sure you got the message, because when I did turn into our neighborhood, you sheepishly followed. And when we turned in separate directions at the stop sign, you feebly slunk off to whatever your most important destination was. I was still steaming and thinking of chasing you and saying bad words out loud in my car and how dare a MINIVAN rush my badass Camry SE... but you know? Thinking about writing about this calmed me down. And I do feel better.
Still, you'd better hope I never see your minivan in a dark alley.