on feeling old

Okaaayyy, I'm guessing no one dug the iTunes game in my previous post. Oh well.

I haven't been in the mood to blog. Or to socialize. Or to leave my house, for that matter. Yes, this has been lone lisa week.

The job I was all excited about in Denver? Got put on hold. They probably won't need someone til the 4th quarter. Um, that's September. God help me if I'm still unemployed by then. So we're back to the drawing board. And right now, the drawing board is blank.

I've been mulling over some stuff that is both career-related and bleak. It is based on something my mother said the other night; we were talking about my job hunt, and I said how no matter where I work, I am prone to get restless and bored after a couple of years. I've just always been that way. Anyway, she said something to the effect of "...but won't your age become a problem because as you get older it will be harder to find jobs because they'll want to hire young people straight out of school? chirp chirp?" Yes, leave it to Mom.

So today, I've been obsessing about that. Is it true? Am I screwing myself? Do I need to just find a comfy place to work, somewhere "stable" (read: boring), and just sit it out until retirement?? What am I thinking, that I can change jobs every 2-3 years until I'm 60? That thought more than terrifies me -- it paralyzes me. Not the changing jobs part, but the working til I'm 60 part.

Then I started thinking about money. Like, most people who change jobs end up getting some kind of raise. Raise, stock options, something. But it hit me -- there must be a ceiling at some point, right? When does this happen? Which then brought me back to my mom's comment of being too "old" to hire. Do you see where my mind has been all day? And there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop the aging process or inflation, so does that mean I'm destined to be destitute at some point??? I almost feel like I need to resurrect the old fantasy I used to have about marrying a big, strong, breadwinner who would take care of me forever and ever. But that thought now makes me want to throw up a little in my mouth.

cough.

So yes, we're feeling ooohhhhh sooooo positive and confident and experienced today. We're feeling sought-after and relaxed in this holding pattern. So what if I can't put my house on the market unless I have a job? Who cares that I have all this time but too much personal responsibility to go spend a month in Europe when I have no income? Where did all my bravado go??

The obvious answer is that I simply need to write a bestselling novel. Soon. I need to become a female Stephen King or a talented Danielle Steele. I need to prolifically pop out another best-seller every year or so until I die.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.