Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Eaten alive

I went to a partially outdoor party Friday night, and in the short time I spent outdoors (hello, it's July in Texas and 100 degrees) I apparently provided a tasty treat for the hungry Westlake mosquitoes. I didn't start itching until Saturday, but now here it is Tuesday and they keep popping up (literally) here and there. I'm starting to wonder if it's possible that there are actually mosquitoes here in my workplace, and I'm continuing to be eaten alive?? In any event, I've been toting my itch cream around for 3 days now. And let me tell you about this cream.

This tube and I have history; I acquired it two years ago, right after my car accident, to deal with the hundreds of fire ant bites I had all over my feet. I was staying with Tam, and she went to Walgreens and bought it for me. It is fine, it's Cortisone 10 or whatever, and it works great. However. For some reason, it has in GIANT yellow blocky letters on the package, "External Anal Itch Relief!" Well, at least it's external, good to know. I remember as soon as she walked in the door with the cream, that's the first thing I noticed; she was all "the pharmacist recommended this, said it's the best, blahblahblah..." and all I could focus on was "ANAL ITCH RELIEF". I interrupted her and asked if she was embarrassed buying it. She looked at me blankly. I pointed to the box and she finally read it. The cackle that ensued is pure, classic Tam and one of the reasons I love her so. We had a good laugh about it and moved on.

Well people, that spruce of marketing genius has haunted me for over two years. (and btw -- what marketing guru thought "hey, people will buy more if they see it's for anal itching!") Do you know what it's like to whip out a tube of ANAL ITCH RELIEF cortisone cream in public? To carefully apply said cream NOT TO YOUR ANUS but to your bug bites, without revealing the packaging to anyone else? Well, it is tricky. I am also ever so painfully aware of how the tube is situated in my open purse, should anyone glance in and wonder about the state of my anus, that DOES NOT ITCH. Just to be clear. And earlier, a work friend was in my office scratching her own legs and complaining about mosquito bites -- and just as I was about to volunteer relief, I snapped my mouth shut again. I just didn't want to explain why I had anal itch cream. So I let my friend suffer. A bigger person probably would've handled it differently, but I am not that person.

But that's cool -- it just means more External Anal Itch Relief for me. :)


sarah said...

LOL - that is awesome. At least it doesn't also include an informational diagram.

Crazy MomCat said...

HA! I can totally see Tam's full head throw-back laugh at that too! She has such a great laugh, doesn't she?

You've done a valuable service here, Lis. Now, anyone who has external anal itching will no longer suffer in silence. They will know there is help out there--those poor itchy a-holed som' bitches...

(mwah, ha, HA!)

Babs said...

YES, I can totally hear Tam making that cackle! (it also reminds me of how a coworker recently saw a product in the store named "butt cream"... and the company even sponsors a NASCAR!)

btw, if I'm *ever* in your vicinity and complaining about itches and you have relief sitting right there in your purse, you BETTER give it to me!!!

Crazy MomCat said...

I have to comment once more. I don't know if Babs was referring to "Boudreux's Buttpaste" but this is a legitimate diaper cream product that WORKS MIRACLES. Trust me. Get past the name, if you have a baby, and go buy some. The guy was featured on Oprah and he's like a millionaire now. All from buttpaste!

OK, enough cracks about butts...I'm done. Good night!