Friday, May 20, 2005

Practical reasons to have a man around

I HATE doing chores. I hated them as a kid, and now, as an adult, I just don't do them. Until it gets so bad I can't stand it anymore -- and people, I have a pretty high tolerance for awful. So my house is in DIRE need of some TLC, and the problem is, I just don't care that much. I want the inside to be clean, but I could really care less about the outside because I don't go out there. I mean, I've lived in my house for 5 years and I don't even own a lawn mower. I pay someone to do it. Clipping bushes? I pay someone to do it. And that's all fine and good. BUT. My home has now reached the point where it's getting expensive to pay people to do stupid stuff because all I really need is a man. I just want to BORROW one for a while, I don't want him to hang around or anything. I am not giving up my remote control, or my kooky schedule, or my obsessive tendency to surf the web on my laptop while watching television. I am NOT giving up any closet space. I simply need some help around the house. Here are some man-things I need done*:

1. fix my garage door opener once and for all
2. de-weed my yard
3. kill all the ants/wasps/etc hanging around the outside of my house
4. paint the lantern in the front hard so it's black again
5. plant low-maintenance foliage in my front and back yard to hide dead grass and utility poles and such
6. change all the batteries in all 900 of my interior smoke detectors so they will STOP BEEPING ALREADY
7. sweep the ceilings to get rid of spiderwebs and floaty cat hair
8. help me rearrange my two spare rooms
9. help me haul all my shit to goodwill -- he'll need a truck for this one
10. organize my garage with shelfs and all
11. wash my car, inside and out
12. change the oil in my car, rotate my tires, other general tune-up stuff
13. install ceiling fans - 3, to be exact
14. go grocery shopping so I don't have to
15. take out the trash every Sunday night
16. clean out the cat box every day
17. paint, paint, paint
18. help me take the cats to the vet so I can take all 3 at once and not make several trips b/c my cats are too fat
19. in general, keep my yard looking spiffy before I ever have to ask and so I never again get a mean note from my HOA
20. you know. but you CAN'T stay. i mean it.

I could go on, but you get the picture. Why isn't there a "rent a man for a day" service? (ok, for everything but 20). SIGH. So those are the things I miss about having a significant other. Everything else is just fine..... JUST FINE, I say!

*I refer to anything I don't want to do as a "man thing". Just so you know.

1 comment:

Crazy MomCat said...

There I was all about to give you a "women can do anything, just take the bull by the horns" kind of speel, and then I read your last sentence. Hahahaha!