Friday, May 27, 2005


Sweet heaven above, it is finally over, this intense, crazy, blur of a week. I finished my stuff at work today, so I do not have to work this weekend - Yay!! Since I got to work so early this morning, when I came home I took a short nap. I woke up in this weird, quiet place where it had grown dark and there was a different Law & Order SVU episode on -- I did not know how much time had passed, but I didn't really feel rested at all. Just sort of out of it.

If you've been reading this journal for any length of time, you know that I have been thinking a lot lately about my life. I took a couple of weeks off to freak out about work, but i'm back on track now, freaking out about my life. My sister is coming to visit me this long holiday weekend, for the first time in years sans bebes! It is going to be intense -- she's going to help me clean my house and get organized, take loads of crap to Goodwill, stuff like that. (I suspect she read my previous entry about practical reasons to have a man around... who needs a man when you can have nicole, the cleanest sistah evah). And? More importantly, we will get to talk. Just us, two girls, interruption free, for hours at a time. No more deep thoughts explored in 5-minute soundbites. This is the real deal! We might even do something crazy like GO TO A MOVIE IN THE THEATRE or OUT somewhere. It's exciting for me of course, but it's got to be damn near thrilling for Nicole, as this is the first time in 5 years she is not pregnant or nursing. Dang.

So tonight I thought I'd try and get a head start on putting stuff away in my house, because although Nicole says she loves a challenge and can't wait to tackle my mess, I don't think the full force of what lies ahead is clear to her yet. It's only vaguely clear to me, which is why I've been avoiding it for so many months. As I have been bumping around in my office, I found some old journals. And of course I had to stop and read them. And of course I've been transported to another place and time. Several, in fact. The ones I scanned are from late 1997-early 1999, one of the happiest times in my life. I was happy with myself (read: skinny), I was madly in love, and my future, although unclear, seemed brimming with possibilities. Just freed from a confining marriage, I felt I could do anything and that I would feel that way forever. Well. I haven't felt that way since early 1999 actually, but reading about it did a number on me. I listened to the voice of that 27-year old girl and compared it to my voice now. My often bitter and jaded voice. It was like a time warp to read words from such an optimistic head that was, after all, mine.

I flipped through the journal I wrote during my divorce. It was rife with therapy-speak, since that was a huge part of my life at the time. I can see how I might have seemed a little intense at that time, but you know, the feelings I was working through then were intense. I found the journal I wrote when Tam and I went on our magical freedom trip. And the journal from exactly one year later, when I had returned to Paris, alone this time, and compared the difference in the two journeys. The difference in me. How much had changed in a year, and how much had stayed the same. There's a lot to be said about my Solo Paris Trip, but not now.

Reading my own words just now, I felt just a glimmer of hope sort of spark up inside of me. A faint, very faint feeling of optimism. I could close my eyes and relive some of what I felt during that time period, rife with so many feelings. Guilt. Anger. Love. Hope. Joy. Sadness. Freedom. Confinement. It was a busy year, people.

So i'm kind of in a weird place right at this moment. And I'm so very glad my sister is coming to see me, because I have a lot I need to talk about, and I'm happy it will be with her. I am also going to start writing my Rocco saga this weekend. It might take me a while though, before I am able to post something.

I'm going to sign off now, sated with old feelings, remembered dreams and goals. I have a lot to sort out in my mind. But I think I'm ready. I've been preparing myself for a while, and I think my next life phase is upon me. I just need to reach out and grab it, from the many choices I have. Key word: Choice. I can choose how to live my life. I can choose to take control of my body, my finances, my love life (or lack thereof). I am going to need strength and momentum to take that leap, but I feel it building up inside of me.

...but not right this very moment. for now, goodnight.

1 comment:

Crazy MomCat said...

Isn't it amazing to look back at journals? I have done this and felt so many feelings, pain, regret, embarassment at my immaturity,frustration that I only journaled during the bad times, etc. I am so glad for this blogging world because I feel like this is more of a true glimpse into my life right now than any journal I have ever had.

Have a wonderful weekend with your sis and come visit me and let's have the same sort of time! (Or else, I'll be forced to invade your town mid-summer to keep my sanity from being home with kids in the Houston hot-as-hell time of year!