Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The universe. It is cruel.

Dear Friendly Neighborhood Grocery Store,

Now you know how shy I am whenever I darken your aisles. How I try to get in and out, but end up taking hours because I have no idea what to buy. You know there is nothing that intimidates me more than a wide open grocery store and all its wondrous and fattening possibilities. Yes, you have been wooing me lately, and I was just starting to loosen up a little, but I know that you understand -- for me to buy groceries is an E.V.E.N.T. So please, for the Love of God and all that is Holy, please tell me why, why, why, out of all the grocery bags not to make it back into my basket after checking out, why it had to be the bag with the ice cream??? WHYYYYYYYY?????? Why couldn't it have been the bag of Lean Cuisines? Or the bread -- everyone knows I only ever eat 2 slices and the rest grows mold anyway -- why did it have to be the Ben & Jerry's??????? My precccciousssssssss???

Of course this discovery did not come without humiliation. If the cats could speak, they would describe how after unloading all the groceries, I got a raw look of panic when I realized the ice cream was missing. How I scoured my kitchen for the missing bag. Then went back out to the car to search the trunk. Then back to the kitchen. Then the car. Then the kitchen. Then I retraced my steps from the kitchen all the way back to the car (did I drop the ice cream in the bushes??? better get the flashlight and make sure!!!!!!!) to check the trunk One. More. Time. For good measure I even searched the inside of the car and every room in my house, because SHIT, ice cream doesn't just walk away. The kitties might also mention how I took every. single. thing. out of my freezer just to make sure I didn't pack the creamy goodness somewhere and forget about it. (As if.) Oh, and let's not forget the refrigerator.

After making damn sure that the ice cream was not in my possession, I shakily made the dreaded phone call. You know, the one where I try to explain to the stoic corporate grocery guy that while yes, I paid for the ice cream, and yes, I have a receipt for it, it somehow did not make it into my car or my house with me, and sweet Jesus I swear i'm not lying I am not an ice cream thief I may be a lot of things but not that and -- Well. As soon as I said "I just left your store and I can't find this bag--" the guy replied "Oh, did it have ice cream in it? And Bacardi Mixers?" YESSSSSSSSSSSSS. I forgot about the Bacardi Mixers. Of Course that was the missing bag.

Anyway, they had it and said I could come in any time and pick up my stuff. How freaking anticlimactic. I tried, oh how I tried to just put the Ben & Jerry's out of my mind and be happy with an apple. I would just pick it up on the way home from work tomorrow, yes, that would be fine. I pushed the thoughts away as I watched Tuesday night TV. But by 11pm I couldn't take it anymore. i realized I would not sleep until the ice cream was back in my possession. (and the bacardi mixers) Quite simply, I caved.

and here is where i abruptly end the story because i just glanced over my laptop and noticed the pint of ice cream sitting on my coffee table starting to melt. my precccioussssssssssss.........

8 comments:

Crazy MomCat said...

You crack me up. See, I totally love the grocery store...if I'm there without my kids. I could spend hours in there scouring over fat grams and aisles I never have time to peruse with a whiney or screaming kid in the cart. Too bad I don't live there, I could be your personal grocery shopper...for a price of course. A dip of "your precioussssss" would do...

Dipu said...

You want my Blue Bell? I bought two pints for a New Year's Day get-together at Anita's and most of it is still sitting in my fridge. One is unopened, and the other's only been touched twice. Ice cream just doesn't do it for me anymore.

(On the other hand, bags of chips can't last more than 3 days in my house.)

Babs said...

I'm so impressed that you went back last night! I would've let the obsessive thoughts just nag at me all night long. (substituting red licorice for the ice cream, of course ;-)

and Steph, next time you come to town, you can TOTALLY go to the grocery store for me AND lisa.

sarah said...

I love the grocery store too! Of course, I always have a bizarre array of items in my fridge because of it. Honestly, I go in to buy milk and cheese and come out with candy, wine, chips, and tomato soup. I like stores like Whole Foods and Trader Joe's a lot more than Safeway. I can get in and out of Safeway quickly.
The more you know....

Tamara said...

You make me laugh. Next time you're at the grocery store, listen to the RIDICULOUS conversations couples have.
"Do you want corn? We never get corn..." Or, "Oh! See if you can find those bags with the twisties. I LOVE those twisties..."
It cracks me up. And it makes me VERY self-conscious when I'm at the store with JM...

Lisabell said...

See, I don't get why a couple would go together in the first place; if I had an SO, I'd be all "knock yourself out, just don't forget the chocolate..." ;)

I go at weird times so usually there are no couples or kids, just random single people like me clutching cat litter, tampons, and truffles. If it's a guy, substitute frozen pizza for tampons... or not.

Dipu said...

How about cat food & litter, lunchmeat and cheese from the deli, and cranberry juice? That was my grocery run last week. I'd only buy tampons if my boat sprung a leak...

matthewstoryteller said...

Ah, you see, Michelle and I put off going to the grocery store for as long as possible. Then we have to go with a huge list and end up sitting at the checkout line with a shopping cart overflowing and looking like we were on one of those gameshow shopping sprees.

If we got home and realized we left somethign behind, we'd just assume the Almighty didn't want us to have that. There's no WAY we're going back to the grocery store for at least a week...