Dear Friendly Neighborhood Grocery Store,
Now you know how shy I am whenever I darken your aisles. How I try to get in and out, but end up taking hours because I have no idea what to buy. You know there is nothing that intimidates me more than a wide open grocery store and all its wondrous and fattening possibilities. Yes, you have been wooing me lately, and I was just starting to loosen up a little, but I know that you understand -- for me to buy groceries is an E.V.E.N.T. So please, for the Love of God and all that is Holy, please tell me why, why, why, out of all the grocery bags not to make it back into my basket after checking out, why it had to be the bag with the ice cream??? WHYYYYYYYY?????? Why couldn't it have been the bag of Lean Cuisines? Or the bread -- everyone knows I only ever eat 2 slices and the rest grows mold anyway -- why did it have to be the Ben & Jerry's??????? My precccciousssssssss???
Of course this discovery did not come without humiliation. If the cats could speak, they would describe how after unloading all the groceries, I got a raw look of panic when I realized the ice cream was missing. How I scoured my kitchen for the missing bag. Then went back out to the car to search the trunk. Then back to the kitchen. Then the car. Then the kitchen. Then I retraced my steps from the kitchen all the way back to the car (did I drop the ice cream in the bushes??? better get the flashlight and make sure!!!!!!!) to check the trunk One. More. Time. For good measure I even searched the inside of the car and every room in my house, because SHIT, ice cream doesn't just walk away. The kitties might also mention how I took every. single. thing. out of my freezer just to make sure I didn't pack the creamy goodness somewhere and forget about it. (As if.) Oh, and let's not forget the refrigerator.
After making damn sure that the ice cream was not in my possession, I shakily made the dreaded phone call. You know, the one where I try to explain to the stoic corporate grocery guy that while yes, I paid for the ice cream, and yes, I have a receipt for it, it somehow did not make it into my car or my house with me, and sweet Jesus I swear i'm not lying I am not an ice cream thief I may be a lot of things but not that and -- Well. As soon as I said "I just left your store and I can't find this bag--" the guy replied "Oh, did it have ice cream in it? And Bacardi Mixers?" YESSSSSSSSSSSSS. I forgot about the Bacardi Mixers. Of Course that was the missing bag.
Anyway, they had it and said I could come in any time and pick up my stuff. How freaking anticlimactic. I tried, oh how I tried to just put the Ben & Jerry's out of my mind and be happy with an apple. I would just pick it up on the way home from work tomorrow, yes, that would be fine. I pushed the thoughts away as I watched Tuesday night TV. But by 11pm I couldn't take it anymore. i realized I would not sleep until the ice cream was back in my possession. (and the bacardi mixers) Quite simply, I caved.
and here is where i abruptly end the story because i just glanced over my laptop and noticed the pint of ice cream sitting on my coffee table starting to melt. my precccioussssssssssss.........