So I have a personal trainer now. Part of the program is of course an eating plan -- not just to lose weight, but to be healthier -- to make sure I get enough of the right nutrients, etc. It doesn't rule out any food group (well, except sugar, for now); it's a 40/30/30 plan. My calorie intake is based on my resting metabolic rate and all that fancy scientific stuff. However. I am allowed a "Cheat Meal" once a week, where I can eat anything I want within a 2-hour period. I mean, I should probably not down an entire carrot cake, but you know -- I can get a burger, fries, a shake... with no guilt. Or at least, that's the plan.
Because this was my first week on the plan, it was also my first Cheat Meal and I admit it, i was nervous. I couldn't pinpoint why, exactly; I should have been ecstatic, right? I should have been fantasizing about it all week, right? So today was the day, and all the way home from work I was totally stressing out, going back and forth on what I wanted. I was kind of disappointed that I wasn't starving to death (which is, you know, GOOD) and that I wasn't craving anything. Finally, at the last minute, I swerved into Sonic, my old friend, and got an old fave, a combo meal with a sweetheart brownie shake (note to self: not worth the calories). I had a knot in the pit of my stomach the whole time. I got home, ate it, and felt sick for the next hour. But mostly, the guilt. Oh, the guilt. Sooo guilty. I felt like I'd totally erased what I'd done all week, and that's when it hit me; I was nervous about my Cheat Meal because in the past, if I've fallen off the wagon while on a diet, that was my mental signal to give up and just eat whatever and blow off the whole thing. I am a perfectionist in some ways (and only some ways), and as far as diets go, it's always been all or nothing. Which is not realistic and is why I have never succeeded on any of my previous diets. So it was really hard for me and made me really uncomfortable eating "bad" food tonight.
This is something i'll talk to my trainer about on Sunday, because obviously, I have issues. As lame as this sounds, I want to find out if the Cheat Meal is mandatory; I know, I'm totally crazy, right?? It just fucks with my mind to be "allowed" to "cheat", after a week of whole grains and yogurt and exercising. So does this just go to show that I am a person who will always feel guilty about something, even something I'm told is nothing to feel guilty about??
Then again, maybe this whole Cheat Meal philosophy is a sneaky way of ... well... fucking with my mind. I mean, here I am wondering if I **have** to eat it! And I got no enjoyment out of it whatsoever. None. And maybe that's the point -- to take the "magic" out of food. To force me to deal with difficult emotions with something other than food.
so. there's that.