Monday, August 28, 2006

Contrary Monday

I’m in such a weird and unfamiliar place. And I don’t mean Broomfield, I mean in my life. Everything just feels so abstract. I have no routine anymore – which was the point, I suppose. I wanted to be catapulted out of my “rut”, well DONE, and DONE. But it’s almost overwhelming. I don’t even know what time to wake up. And I haven’t set a time to get to work yet – it varies every day. I don’t know what “feels” right yet. I keep waking up early, because in my mind I’m still running on Texas time. I just feel … off.

So how does one “start fresh”, anyway? How does one go about forming a routine that works for them? I feel like my former life routine just sort of happened; I don’t recall shaping it. Now I have the opportunity to take control and make new habits, and I have no idea where to start.

At the same time, I feel somewhat stuck, if you can believe it. I’m antsy to plan a vacation with my friends. I know that sounds sort of insane, since I’m essentially LIVING on vacation right now (or at least it feels like it), but still. I have vacation days I must use up by the end of the year, but I have the least seniority and so I have no idea when I can take any of these days. Do I want to go home for Christmas? Will I have any extra time off? Who will I stay with? I have so many people I’ll want to see and spend time with.

I think I’m struggling with the ever-present challenge of living IN the moment. Because admittedly, one of the reasons I’m having trouble unpacking and getting settled into my apartment is because I’m already thinking ahead 9 months and wondering if I’ll want to stay in this apartment or move again. I need to figure out a way to just BE right now, and not worry about the future. But I don’t know how to do this; I’ve never really known how to do this. It seems fruitless to unpack everything when I’ll just have to pack it again at some point. But with my nomadic nature, I will only drive myself insane with that mindset. Because truthfully, I don’t know if I’ll EVER feel “settled” enough anywhere to really, really unpack everything and make it a home. I fear that I’ll continue to look at every new home as a stepping stone to the next, better place. But how do people live in one house forever and not go insane?? How do people decide they are going to stay somewhere indefinitely? Why can’t I seem to do this? I love CO, but I’m already thinking, well where could I go next? Am I defective? Is this a side effect of being an army brat?? How does one distinguish between being “goal oriented” or just restless? What’s the difference between being settled and settling?

So anyway. It’s Monday and these are the thoughts racing through my head. In summary: I don’t know where or how to begin feeling like this is home for me. Maybe a good place to start would be getting the 50-odd empty boxes out of my entryway --- y’think?

1 comment:

Crazy MomCat said...

I think you should shake this mood by going and stomping out every one of those boxes in your entry. Have a real tantrum with them. Then, run screaming from your apartment and hurl them to the parking lot below shouting something really profane.

Wink...I need to get back to my kickboxing class, don't I? I need an aggression release and I don't have any boxes!