Going out with a silent hissssssssss…

So since it looks like I’m definitely uprooting and moving to CO within the next month or so, my list of things “to do” has dramatically increased, as well as increased in intensity. Yet I spent this weekend, the first in a month that I was at my own home, paralyzed and freaked out. I simply don’t know where to start, or at least that’s what I tell myself. Usually shopping helps loosen me up and garners inspiration, but I can’t even make myself go buy those plastic shoeboxes I’ve decided are the solution to my closet shoe problem. Which would hopefully kick-start the official and awful cleaning of my closet. The thing I dread most in the world, at the moment. But every time I go in there, I get bogged down in my messy bedroom (with a partially unpacked suitcase still on the floor, Piper’s new cat bed) and bathroom (a pile of dirty clothes I can’t seem to relocate to the laundry room) before even getting to the odious closet. I have, however, changed out a few light bulbs, which is SOMETHING, people. I don’t know why it never occurred to me before the visit from the house-selling guru, but putting in 75-watt bulbs in my closet and laundry room made a HUGE difference. Go figure. I mean, why has it never occurred to me that perhaps the rooms wouldn’t be so dark if there was more light??

But. That’s about it, as far as progress. I’ve been in denial and freak-out land, spending a lot of time sleeping. Because when I’m sleeping my tummy isn’t doing flips and my mind isn’t racing with “omg what have I done”-type thoughts. I did manage to socialize Friday night, but bailed out on plans yesterday and today because I couldn’t make myself get moving soon enough OR I was asleep. Very very sad. Maybe I’m preparing myself subconsciously for the solitude that will most likely accompany me after my cross-country move? I will say it: I am scared shitless. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to go – I’m going! But I’m scared. It’s hard to imagine starting over at 36 – it feels very different than the last time I uprooted and started over, more than 12 years ago.

So. That’s the state of the Lisa. I’m thinking at this point I will not be going out with a “bang”… it feels more on target with my mood right now to slink out of town, thus in denial of all the sad “goodbyes” and such. We’ll see… Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow. Because this is what I want, what I have wanted – right??

Yes, yes it is.