Monday, November 22, 2004

Once around...

Maybe I am thinking deep thoughts today because of the weather. It is flooding all over town, and the skies look black and ominous and tornadic. Maybe it's my time of the month to be reflective, I don't know. But I've been thinking about a certain situation I'm currently involved in, and trying to figure out exactly why I'm in it. And I think it's because no matter the problems, idiocies, the consternation of my friends, I am living for me, in the now, and this fits. I know that this situation will never be the way I would want it to be. But for now, it is enough and I am content. My theory is this:

Life goes around one time. There are no second chances. There’s no time to be wasted, no time to swallow your feelings or mope around waiting for something to magically change. I almost died and it changed me forever. I can’t be quiet anymore when I see someone I care about hurting. I can't not reach out to another person who needs a friend. I cannot afford to be unforgiving. And I guess that's what the bottom line is, on this particular "situation". I am able to forgive, and mean it. I am still willing to see the good in something that is all muddied up. All this with my eyes wide open and no naivete. I know exactly how bad it can get and I still care. And I'm not going to apologize for that or feel guilty or defensive -- that is just me, Lisa.

And since it's pretty clear I'm talking about a certain male, let me say this. This person has definitely caused me pain in the past. This person has also caused me to grow and become better, wiser. I don't want more than this person can give me, and I am comfortable giving what I can. My happiness and well-being isn't wrapped up in this relationship. If he walked away tomorrow and I never saw him again, I would still be glad we are communicating now and I would feel a healthier closure than we've ever had before. What's in it for me, you might ask? I just know that right in this moment, I want to be right in this place. And this person can fit into my world as long as I let him. It could be another day, another month, or never. WhenI feel I have nothing else to learn from him, when my capacity to forgive grows weary, if I start losing energy to a black hole -- then that will be the end. Until then, soy contento.

On a slightly different note, if reincarnation is real, I'd like to come back as one of my cats. I'm not being flippant, either; cats are graceful, independent, forgiving and loyal. They can give love freely, but they definitely know how/when to take care of themselves. We should all be so lucky. And this might be a good time to explain the title of my blog. My cat-boyfriend is Jess. He would so be the perfect man if he wasn't.....................a cat.

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