Maybe I am thinking deep thoughts today because of the weather. It is flooding all over town, and the skies look black and ominous and tornadic. Maybe it's my time of the month to be reflective, I don't know. But I've been thinking about a certain situation I'm currently involved in, and trying to figure out exactly why I'm in it. And I think it's because no matter the problems, idiocies, the consternation of my friends, I am living for me, in the now, and this fits. I know that this situation will never be the way I would want it to be. But for now, it is enough and I am content. My theory is this:
Life goes around one time. There are no second chances. There’s no time to be wasted, no time to swallow your feelings or mope around waiting for something to magically change. I almost died and it changed me forever. I can’t be quiet anymore when I see someone I care about hurting. I can't not reach out to another person who needs a friend. I cannot afford to be unforgiving. And I guess that's what the bottom line is, on this particular "situation". I am able to forgive, and mean it. I am still willing to see the good in something that is all muddied up. All this with my eyes wide open and no naivete. I know exactly how bad it can get and I still care. And I'm not going to apologize for that or feel guilty or defensive -- that is just me, Lisa.
And since it's pretty clear I'm talking about a certain male, let me say this. This person has definitely caused me pain in the past. This person has also caused me to grow and become better, wiser. I don't want more than this person can give me, and I am comfortable giving what I can. My happiness and well-being isn't wrapped up in this relationship. If he walked away tomorrow and I never saw him again, I would still be glad we are communicating now and I would feel a healthier closure than we've ever had before. What's in it for me, you might ask? I just know that right in this moment, I want to be right in this place. And this person can fit into my world as long as I let him. It could be another day, another month, or never. WhenI feel I have nothing else to learn from him, when my capacity to forgive grows weary, if I start losing energy to a black hole -- then that will be the end. Until then, soy contento.
On a slightly different note, if reincarnation is real, I'd like to come back as one of my cats. I'm not being flippant, either; cats are graceful, independent, forgiving and loyal. They can give love freely, but they definitely know how/when to take care of themselves. We should all be so lucky. And this might be a good time to explain the title of my blog. My cat-boyfriend is Jess. He would so be the perfect man if he wasn't.....................a cat.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Everyone loves a tornado
Yesterday afternoon, around 4, my sleepy afternoon was interrupted by our over-enthusiastic newbie prancing around the office excitedly squealing "Tornado! Tornado!" I swear, she did two laps around the whole 2nd floor. So what did we do? Did we dive under our desks, or run downstairs? Did we huddle in the ladies room or the supply closet? Nooooooooo, we stampeded to the 2nd floor balcony of our flimsy, stilt-supported, over-ravine-hanging, all glass building. We had a perfect view! At least 15 of us stood out there in the storm, oohing and ahhing and utterly mesmerized by the swirling funnels off in the distance. There were a few of them, taking turns swirling down, going up, coming down again... and there we were, huddled together watching.
Finally someone said what the rest of us were thinking: "...All those times i've watched storm shows on tv and seen home videos of tornadoes and thought 'what kind of idiot stands there and TAPES a tornado' -- well, I finally understand." We nodded and laughed uncomfortably, still watching. The overzealous newbie was snapping pics with her camera phone. Finally people got bored and wandered back to their cubes and just went on with the afternoon -- but me, I was overcharged with excitement! I had finally seen a REAL TORNADO! All my life -- well, maybe just since living in Kansas during formative childhood years -- I've yearned to see a real one. I spent many hours huddled in our basement in KS as a kid, clutching my stuffed animals and our cats, listening to tornadoes, but never seeing one. I regularly dream of them, for some reason -- I consider these recurring dreams stress dreams signifying times when i'm feeling "out of control" of whatever. Anyway. Finally, I have been satisfied!!!
I felt even more validated when I saw the HOME VIDEOS of the tornadoes on the 10 o'clock news -- it was really cool to see what we were looking at, only a lot closer up. Apparently they did little damage, but sure were cool.
I don't know how anything else can top that for me this week. I'm still marveling at my lack of fear. In the tornado dreams, I'm terrified, yet stuck in one place, unable to act or move as the tornado approaches... in reality, I was unable to act or move as I delightedly gawked at the real live tornadoes.
Go figure.
Finally someone said what the rest of us were thinking: "...All those times i've watched storm shows on tv and seen home videos of tornadoes and thought 'what kind of idiot stands there and TAPES a tornado' -- well, I finally understand." We nodded and laughed uncomfortably, still watching. The overzealous newbie was snapping pics with her camera phone. Finally people got bored and wandered back to their cubes and just went on with the afternoon -- but me, I was overcharged with excitement! I had finally seen a REAL TORNADO! All my life -- well, maybe just since living in Kansas during formative childhood years -- I've yearned to see a real one. I spent many hours huddled in our basement in KS as a kid, clutching my stuffed animals and our cats, listening to tornadoes, but never seeing one. I regularly dream of them, for some reason -- I consider these recurring dreams stress dreams signifying times when i'm feeling "out of control" of whatever. Anyway. Finally, I have been satisfied!!!
I felt even more validated when I saw the HOME VIDEOS of the tornadoes on the 10 o'clock news -- it was really cool to see what we were looking at, only a lot closer up. Apparently they did little damage, but sure were cool.
I don't know how anything else can top that for me this week. I'm still marveling at my lack of fear. In the tornado dreams, I'm terrified, yet stuck in one place, unable to act or move as the tornado approaches... in reality, I was unable to act or move as I delightedly gawked at the real live tornadoes.
Go figure.
Monday, November 15, 2004
I'd rather be in Paris
Today it is cold and foggy and damp in our usually sunny and warm city. Unlike most people, I am in heaven. I love that I look out the window and can't see anything but white fog. It's like my building is floating in a cloud. Makes me want to curl up with hot chocolate and watch Sex and the City. Or something. Some of my friends (Tamara) think I'm insane for loving this weather, but let me explain....
So this is the time of year when I have travelled to Europe in the past. I love being in Paris when it's cold and gray -- I can't even imagine it any other way. It's sort of like, Paris, in my mind, is always in black and white. Even "live". So now that cooler weather has hit Austin, I'm really missing travelling abroad. I had planned to travel to Italy this Christmas, but so much happened this year -- I started a new job, got a new nephew, and had some health issues -- all reasons to stay stateside for the holidays. I'm still wanting to go soon, maybe in February, for my birthday perhaps.
I have a friend in Italy -- some may know he's a bit more than a friend, but it's obviously a long-distance thing so it's hard to say. We met in Barcelona, on Christmas Eve of 1997. I won't go into the whole story here -- I'll save that for another rainy day -- but it was very romantic and dreamlike, rather like being in a movie, the way it all happened. Very romantic, almost perfect, even. One of those events I will cherish forever, and maybe tell my grandkids one day, and they'll think "wow, grandma had an Italian love affair, how cool". Or something. Sometimes I can't quite believe it really happened, except for the fact that Rocco and I still correspond, 7 years later, and that we've met up once since then, in (you guessed it), Paris. So my trip to Italy is long anticipated. I have to admit, I always get more serious about visiting him when I'm single and bored. But what's wrong with clinging to a fantasy that is even somewhat real? That's more than a lot of people have, right? I'm pretty sure Rocco thinks the same about me. We'll go through periods of just friendly emailing, then passionate correspondence, promising to visit, sending cyber kisses -- then it will cool off again. But I REALLY want to go see him in the next 6 months. I have this secret fantasy that he's actually THE ONE and that's why I have failed to find anyone worthy of my affection in the past 7 years. And even if I go there and the spark is gone (which I SERIOUSLY doubt, my God he's hot), we'll still be friends, just like we are now. And that can't be bad. I have nothing to lose. Ahh, Rocco. This weather makes me feel nostalgic.
And that is why I love cold, gray days in Austin.
So this is the time of year when I have travelled to Europe in the past. I love being in Paris when it's cold and gray -- I can't even imagine it any other way. It's sort of like, Paris, in my mind, is always in black and white. Even "live". So now that cooler weather has hit Austin, I'm really missing travelling abroad. I had planned to travel to Italy this Christmas, but so much happened this year -- I started a new job, got a new nephew, and had some health issues -- all reasons to stay stateside for the holidays. I'm still wanting to go soon, maybe in February, for my birthday perhaps.
I have a friend in Italy -- some may know he's a bit more than a friend, but it's obviously a long-distance thing so it's hard to say. We met in Barcelona, on Christmas Eve of 1997. I won't go into the whole story here -- I'll save that for another rainy day -- but it was very romantic and dreamlike, rather like being in a movie, the way it all happened. Very romantic, almost perfect, even. One of those events I will cherish forever, and maybe tell my grandkids one day, and they'll think "wow, grandma had an Italian love affair, how cool". Or something. Sometimes I can't quite believe it really happened, except for the fact that Rocco and I still correspond, 7 years later, and that we've met up once since then, in (you guessed it), Paris. So my trip to Italy is long anticipated. I have to admit, I always get more serious about visiting him when I'm single and bored. But what's wrong with clinging to a fantasy that is even somewhat real? That's more than a lot of people have, right? I'm pretty sure Rocco thinks the same about me. We'll go through periods of just friendly emailing, then passionate correspondence, promising to visit, sending cyber kisses -- then it will cool off again. But I REALLY want to go see him in the next 6 months. I have this secret fantasy that he's actually THE ONE and that's why I have failed to find anyone worthy of my affection in the past 7 years. And even if I go there and the spark is gone (which I SERIOUSLY doubt, my God he's hot), we'll still be friends, just like we are now. And that can't be bad. I have nothing to lose. Ahh, Rocco. This weather makes me feel nostalgic.
And that is why I love cold, gray days in Austin.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
About anxiety...
So here it is election day, and it's been totally stressing me out. Add to that my usual work stresses and i'm a basket case. Luckily i'm going to watch the election results from my friend's hot tub with much alcohol, but still... I remember last time... there's no guarantee that the horror will be decided by tomorrow.
Last election I was in Paris with my mom on Nov. 2. Of course we had both voted early, and of course our votes cancelled each other out. It was really odd being so far away and detached from election day. I remember waking up in Paris expecting to see who was president, and the weirdness of having it still up in the air. Little did we know how long it was going to drag out... Everywhere we went where we opened our mouths (we tried to "blend in" mostly, which meant not speaking) French people would laugh and ask us what we thought of the election. Nice. Not one of my proudest American moments. There was a lot of French chuckling and rolling of French eyes. But I have to say, being in another country sort of took the edge off. No such luck this time -- I'm obsessively checking the news for updates (which won't even begin to happen for a couple more hours) and chatting with my other obsessed work friends. Watching the clock. Waiting.
No matter what happens, when this is all over at least I can start speaking to my dad again. I so hope I don't have to eat crow for the next 4 years...
Last election I was in Paris with my mom on Nov. 2. Of course we had both voted early, and of course our votes cancelled each other out. It was really odd being so far away and detached from election day. I remember waking up in Paris expecting to see who was president, and the weirdness of having it still up in the air. Little did we know how long it was going to drag out... Everywhere we went where we opened our mouths (we tried to "blend in" mostly, which meant not speaking) French people would laugh and ask us what we thought of the election. Nice. Not one of my proudest American moments. There was a lot of French chuckling and rolling of French eyes. But I have to say, being in another country sort of took the edge off. No such luck this time -- I'm obsessively checking the news for updates (which won't even begin to happen for a couple more hours) and chatting with my other obsessed work friends. Watching the clock. Waiting.
No matter what happens, when this is all over at least I can start speaking to my dad again. I so hope I don't have to eat crow for the next 4 years...
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