Thundersnow

I can't believe it. It's happening again. They're estimating this storm to be even worse than last week b/c then the snow was fluffy and light, and now it's wet, heavy snow. Awesome. Roads are closing, the airport is shutting down, shelters are popping up everywhere, blahblahblah.

So my office closed down again today and will remain closed tomorrow, which normally would make me giggle and click my heels, but I have! cabin fever!!!

Yes, I stocked up on food and my car is in the covered garage, but I CANNOT LEAVE.

The cool thing is the news just said the front range is getting "thundersnow", which they described as just like a thunderstorm except instead of rain, it's snow. How cool would that be??? I hope I get me some of that. It would be weirdly unsettling, to hear big claps of thunder and then the silence of snow falling.

I'll keep you posted. There probably won't be any more snow pics, though, because you know - you've seen one blizzard, you've seen em all.

sigh.

Love! Winter! Still!
Not drunk!

dRunK bLogGing roX

Thank you, Tamara. Thank you for leaving behind half a bottle of Pinot. Because today? Sucked. Without going into all the nit-picky details of how my day sucked, let me just say that here is the icing on the cake, people: Tomorrow, we are expected to have a storm that might EQUAL OR SURPASS the storm last week. Yeah, the one that left us trapped in our houses for days, turning our brains to mush and our vehicles to mud-covered not-new-anymore messes on wheels.

did I mention i was a little drunk? It's about damn time. well, except for Christmas Eve with the Dupuy's... that was kind of drunk too. But you know, I have to say Pinot is a lot smoother than Beaujolais (major sp - sorry, drunk).

anyway. going to bed now, fully expecting to wake up to not a winter wonderland, but a nice pretty layer of snow over the 10-feet-high piles of black snow in every parking lot as far as the eye can see. Good times.

I love colorado! I still do!

drujnk.

Snug

Today I am recovering from the holidays and preparing to go back to work tomorrow - a week after the blizzard. I finally uploaded some pictures to share. Behold. Jess embraces the lovesac:


Evidence that Jess went out on the balcony to check out the white stuff, then performed a quick about-face and came back inside:


View from my living room:


And finally, One Happy Cat by the Fire:


More good stuff to come...

Cabin fever

So I'm not *quite* ready to gnaw off my own arm to escape, but I'm getting close. My office was closed again today and will be closed tomorrow, as well -- the streets probably won't be clear until after the weekend. So this working from home thing... while nice sometimes, I've decided I would go batshit crazee if I never had the office interaction. I was actually DISAPPOINTED to find out that work was cancelled again tomorrow. Not that I'm not working; and therein lies the other problem. I can't turn it off when I'm working at home all day. It is almost 1am and I am still checking my work email -- and still getting messages. It seems I'm not the only crazy person on a weird schedule due to days of weirdness.

I'm not having nearly as much fun in the snow as my sis down in S. Denver -- they spent the day shoveling tunnels through the cul-de-sac so they could walk around and the kids could build huge snow structures with the piled snow. Um, apartments suck in situations like this -- we're all just bundled into our little pods, alone and b-o-r-e-d. sigh.

Jess is slowly turning from grey to black from sleeping in front of the fire going on 36 hours now. Piper has made a dent in the laundry pile on my bed and is somewhere in there. I am camped on the couch, close to the tv, the kitchen, and the laptop.

So nothing exciting going on, just more being trapped in the house. I might see if I can get out a little tomorrow, if the apt. complex has plowed the roads a bit. I have my new AWD vehicle and while not magic, it will be great driving in this type of weather. But let me emphasize again, not magic. Six-feet-tall snow drifts? Um, no. I'll wait it out, thank you very much.

Blizzard.

As I feel a veritable blizzard of emotions... HA! You thought I was going to be all serious again! But, no.

One word, people: Blizzard. As in, SNOW. As in, almost 24 hours now and still going strong. At least two feet. Everything closed down, including the highways and the airport; the mall, across the street from where I live? Being used as a shelter for stranded motorists. Abandoned cars all up and down the roads. The governor has declared a state of emergency. Yee-hawww, it's ChristmasTime!!!

I am thoroughly enjoying the storm. I am snug in my apartment with a fireplace and two cuddly cats. I have spent the day in my nest working on my laptop and staring out the windows. I am fine on food, so the only thing bugging me at this point is -- damn, I'm bored. But in a good way... Looks like tomorrow is going to be like today, maybe worse since it's not going to get above freezing or stop snowing for another day or so.

My spirit will not be broken -- I still love Colorado. And damn, nothing like a metaphorical slate being wiped metaphorically clean by a 48-hour BLIZZARD..........

Hollow

I ache. In my center, in my throat, in the back of my head. The ache of suppressed feelings, of just trying to get through the day. And yet, this is so insignificant in the face of so many other things. I think about how it felt to lose someone I really, truly loved. And as much as that hurt, I wanted that person to be happy, so that brought me some peace. In this case, I can think nothing but venomous thoughts, rage coursing through my veins, an ache in my throat becoming almost unbearable until some of it leaks out and rolls slowly, hotly, down my cheeks – then I can be calm again. Until the next song, the next movie, the next flashback memory. Some not so long ago. But still, it is not a broken heart. It is simply a sadness. More wasted time. More damage from which to recover, more baggage to lug. So much fucking baggage. I should be svelte from lugging all that shit around.

So I cuss, and I deny, and I suppress, and I fervently write angry unsendable emails to release venom and maintain my appearance of cool. To get through the day.

I think more than the actual facts, what’s hurting me are the other memories that are flooding back. Past broken hearts, broken for real. Shattered and taped back together, only to be shattered again – that’s my heart. This is merely bruising, not the real thing. And although bruises hurt, too, I don’t think your heart can ever hurt as much as it can at 18, when you’re desperately in love with someone who has to go away, someone who comes back different, no longer alone. What they say about first love is so true. I will never be that vulnerable again. Only once can someone be so naïve and open as to allow themselves to hurt that much. Only the young, only that first time.

Now I’m grizzled, with duct tape holding my heart together. Having lived through several false loves and one true love, then falling into the rut of a barren, hollow love. I’ve never been good with endings. I like to always have a glimmer of “what if” hanging out there, but sometimes shit happens and you know that that glimmer is truly gone, gone for good. That is the hardest thing for me. Finality.

I’ve been reading a blog since November, written by a young father whose young, healthy wife became suddenly ill and was dead within 5 days – and they still don’t know why. Reading through his process, his grief, his shock, the phases of his acceptance, it is amazing. Simply amazing. I am so aware that I have not lost, not really. This man began blogging for himself, to prevent himself from exploding (and I sure do know about THAT), and he has gained so much support he never expected, never dreamed of. He has touched so many lives in the telling of his story. In the face of his loss and the loss of his children, I feel blessed. I really do.

Blessed and angry.
Sad and relieved.

Finally.

uncomfortably numb

The more it sinks in, the less I am aware of taking air into my lungs. When she first told me, I was oddly ambivalent. I felt nothing but curiosity. But an hour later, it hit me like a ton of bricks: once again, I had been passed over in favor of someone else. This has happened before. More than once. No matter what rational thoughts I might have had initially, right now all I can think of is how unlovable I must be. Because, seriously. Did I love him? No. Did I think we had a future? Not since 2001, no. But does it hurt that in the two months since I’ve last spoken to him, he’s managed to knock up his ex-girlfriend and propose to her? Why yes, yes it does.

Just let me be

For the past month or so, I've been absorbed in my work, nesting into my apartment, hating my car, sparking my cats -- living life in Colorado. I've been so absorbed, actually, that I've lost track of time and did you know I've been here almost four months??? I know. Me too.

I've been feeling what I can only describe as "meh" lately. It's been bugging me, and I've been trying to figure out what's wrong. Then today I had an epiphany -- nothing is wrong. That's IT. For the first time in many years, I am right where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to do at this moment. It could all change next week, or 10 years from now, who knows. But for right this moment, I am -- dare I say -- content. Only I could mistake content for meh.

So here's the thing, people: I don't know what to do with myself. I can't just relax and be happy because I never have and I don't know how. Aren't I supposed to be striving toward something? Always looking to upgrade my life, whether it's a job, a house, a car, even a state? I don't. know. what. to. do. omg.

Why is it so hard to just be? Why do I feel like I should be doing this, or trying to do that, trying to improve in some way. Improve the contents of my refrigerator, improve my purse, improve my hair. But isn't it okay, sometimes, to just ... stop and relax for a bit? Take some time to sit down and enjoy the view? I've realized that the only person pushing me to feel something or be something different is myself.

I do of course have long-term goals. But for now? I'm going to try and settle into this new life I've begun for myself. The only thing that could make it better right now, besides coercing all the people I love to move to Denver? A cruise. Right. Now. A cruise would be good --- although -- is that not what I'm doing?

Weird things happen when it’s cold.

What kinds of weird things? Well, things like:

• Massive amounts of static electricity, whenever/whatever I touch, including the cats. I pet Piper when I got up during the night the other night and it looked like fireflies were scurrying around under her fur, with all the sparks that were flying. Question: Can a kitty catch fire from the sparks caused by static electricity? I need to find out. Could be bad. Also, the cats can do it themselves; I’ve seen them bump wet noses only to hear a “pop” before they both lurch backwards. Poor babies.

• Previously creamy and dewy skin turning into scales.

• Three-year-old, previously reliable cars refusing to start. And requiring two new batteries in the past two months.

• Former shop-a-holics wanting to rush straight home after work (it gets dark at 4:30 here), not even wanting to run a single errand -- just anxious to get home and into fleece.

So, yeah. But! Despite all, I am loving the weather. You know you’re in the right place when hearing the words, “BIG warm-up later this week – highs in the 50s!” on the morning news makes you unspeakably giddy. Also, when it’s 30 degrees outside and you don’t wear a coat – not because you’re impaired, but because it simply doesn’t feel THAT cold to you – in fact, it feels comfortable. And now that you think about it, you realize that the heat blowing inside your office is making you sweat and you kind of hate it.