Sunday, December 05, 2010

long time gone.

So. I have been gone a while, from this blog. You could even say, from life, overall. I have not been present, really. I have been living inside of myself, floundering around, taking stock, occasionally reaching outward for help, but most of the time not... The past two years of my life have been perhaps the hardest ever. And in a lot of ways, I have faced them alone. Not because I have not been surrounded by the love of my friends, not because I did not have access to help, but because I chose to keep a lot of it buried inside. Not all -- there has been ugliness for all to see, and some to comment on, even gloat over. But for the most part, it has been a personal battle I've been fighting. As much as I do share, I keep more hidden.

That said, I would not still be here if not for the support of many, and you know who you are. If this all sounds very cryptic -- sorry, that's the way it is for now. I don't think anyone even reads this blog anymore, and honestly, I'm not altogether sure I will keep it alive. I am not quite sure why I'm here now, except that I'm sitting in the dark, at my little townhome, a cat purring on my feet, watching winter out the window, and feeling contemplative as the holidays encroach. And I don't know about you, but the holidays always make me think back upon the past year. Thank God I am in a very different place than this time last year. A much better place. Alone. But better.

This time last year I felt anything but merry. And not that I'm jumping for joy this December, but at least I'm no longer up late googling "how to change your identity and start over" or "how to run away". The chaos is not over yet, but one way or another, I should be able to put it all behind me come Christmas.

I say I'm alone this year, but really, I'm not. I may be living alone (and thank God for that), but I am not alone in my heart. It's ironic, really, that last year, I was surrounded by many, in my own house, but had never felt so alone. Ever. This year, it's me and Piper, and we're doing just fine. I do not feel lonely at all. Last year I felt despair. This year I -- almost, at least -- feel hope.

It will take a while for my finances to heal, for some damaged relationships to right themselves, but at least my heart is intact, even full. I am grateful for that. And I have those friends and family who have stood with me through all of it. There are also those that haven't, but then again, I hid a lot of what was going on. Even those who know "everything"? Don't. And probably never will.

This past year I have been despondent. Humiliated. Horrified. Indignant. Enraged. Morose. But I'm still holding my head up, moving forward.

Hooray for that.


mommagirl said...

You still have at least one reader. I've kept checking to see how you are. Glad to see you back, at least for now!

Kirb said...

Hugs always!