honestly.

I don't know if i'll post this. But I need to say it. I have SO MUCH I could be saying right now, getting it out of my body and out into the universe, but I am constantly censoring myself. And I'm not sure why; I didn't used to have a problem putting my inner thoughts out into the Internet-sphere! Read the archives if you don't believe me! But now that I think about it, I do know when this self-censoring started. It started when I became a couple. Like, for reals. When I merged my life with R's, I began holding back on this blog. I think I did it naturally at first, out of a misguided sense of respect, maybe? Privacy? But see, blogging and privacy don't exactly go together. And I was honest with him, from the start -- he knew I had a blog, and he thought it was cool. Maybe that was the problem; maybe I didn't want to share my deep inner thoughts with him before he knew me better? I don't even know anymore. I just know that I feel like I'm going to explode these days, and it's not fair to burden just R with all of this shite all the time. So! Aren't you excited??? Here goes!! (aside: not to knock the cute kitty photo blogs, i know my cats are cute and fascinating and all, but srsly).

As I write this, R is at a job interview. A very important one. One that he wants, one that would be very good for us. One that he would actually enjoy. So naturally, he was nervous yesterday after it was set, and very restless last night, and then this morning, instead of looking in his earnest brown eyes and telling him confidently that he ROCKED and that he would be GREAT and NAIL the interview, that they would LOVE him like I do, instead? I suggested he change his tie. erm. Worst Fiancee Ever Award? Right here.

The interview is supposed to last until about 4:30. So we're about 2 1/2 hours in at this point. And I haven't heard from him, which is good, right?? RIGHT??? anyway.

If you hadn't gathered, things are pretty grim these days, in the area of employment. For both of us. At least he has bites, though. I do have a contract coming, one I flew to TX to train for last week, but it will probably be at least a week before I get the actual work. Even then, it's not full-time or self-supporting, but damn, it's SOMETHING. I so wish I could somehow enjoy my state of unemployment, you know? Why is it that throughout life, you have either money or time, but never both? God, I could be having SUCH a great time if only I had money right now. Do I miss my stressful day job? Hell no! But I sure miss the regular paycheck. And the awesome co-workers. So there's that.

Also, I'm not sure when exactly I became such a pessimist, but man. I can't seem to find the bright side of things these days. And I'm still rather pissed about the outcome of American Idol. Adam was robbed. Nothing against Kris, really, he has almost-equal airtime on my ipod these days. I just don't think he should have won. Because AI is important, people.

and that is all.