The Great Turning, by Jennifer Lauck

Note: This was written by Jennifer Lauck, an author who I greatly admire. It spoke to me, so I am sharing it. I am re-posting it from her blog. Maybe it will speak to you, too...

When your life becomes unbearable to you, it is inevitable you will turn inward. You can medicate or distract yourself, for a while, but eventually these alternatives will become unbearable as well.

Then you will turn inward and examine your choices, your experiences, your history and your culture.

There is no easy way to do this turning. In fact, it might be the hardest thing you will ever do. This is because your turning will be aggravating those who know you. They will be inconvenienced. They will not understand. They might even accuse you of being crazy, cruel and/or selfish. This is because you are now paying attention to yourself and not them. Yes, that will be upsetting.

But none of what they say or even believe matters in the end because, in the end, someone will pay the highest price for your unbearable life, if it goes unexamined, and that person will be you.

honestly.

I don't know if i'll post this. But I need to say it. I have SO MUCH I could be saying right now, getting it out of my body and out into the universe, but I am constantly censoring myself. And I'm not sure why; I didn't used to have a problem putting my inner thoughts out into the Internet-sphere! Read the archives if you don't believe me! But now that I think about it, I do know when this self-censoring started. It started when I became a couple. Like, for reals. When I merged my life with R's, I began holding back on this blog. I think I did it naturally at first, out of a misguided sense of respect, maybe? Privacy? But see, blogging and privacy don't exactly go together. And I was honest with him, from the start -- he knew I had a blog, and he thought it was cool. Maybe that was the problem; maybe I didn't want to share my deep inner thoughts with him before he knew me better? I don't even know anymore. I just know that I feel like I'm going to explode these days, and it's not fair to burden just R with all of this shite all the time. So! Aren't you excited??? Here goes!! (aside: not to knock the cute kitty photo blogs, i know my cats are cute and fascinating and all, but srsly).

As I write this, R is at a job interview. A very important one. One that he wants, one that would be very good for us. One that he would actually enjoy. So naturally, he was nervous yesterday after it was set, and very restless last night, and then this morning, instead of looking in his earnest brown eyes and telling him confidently that he ROCKED and that he would be GREAT and NAIL the interview, that they would LOVE him like I do, instead? I suggested he change his tie. erm. Worst Fiancee Ever Award? Right here.

The interview is supposed to last until about 4:30. So we're about 2 1/2 hours in at this point. And I haven't heard from him, which is good, right?? RIGHT??? anyway.

If you hadn't gathered, things are pretty grim these days, in the area of employment. For both of us. At least he has bites, though. I do have a contract coming, one I flew to TX to train for last week, but it will probably be at least a week before I get the actual work. Even then, it's not full-time or self-supporting, but damn, it's SOMETHING. I so wish I could somehow enjoy my state of unemployment, you know? Why is it that throughout life, you have either money or time, but never both? God, I could be having SUCH a great time if only I had money right now. Do I miss my stressful day job? Hell no! But I sure miss the regular paycheck. And the awesome co-workers. So there's that.

Also, I'm not sure when exactly I became such a pessimist, but man. I can't seem to find the bright side of things these days. And I'm still rather pissed about the outcome of American Idol. Adam was robbed. Nothing against Kris, really, he has almost-equal airtime on my ipod these days. I just don't think he should have won. Because AI is important, people.

and that is all.

Antics in the forbidden zone

This post is primarily about Bella. Bella, the sweet muffincakes who has turned our semi-harmonious cat-family into a den of chaos and mayhem.

For example, Bella likes to hide where she's not supposed to be.
Do you see her? Let me give you a hint: look carefully among the FRESHLY FOLDED SHEETS AND TOWELS:

It's a good thing she's cute.

We have also managed to catch another of her favorite activities on film, and our sudden and stern presence (with a camera) did nothing to stem her fierce determination.



While you can see a glimpse of Hank's tail in photo #1, he would like everyone to know he had NOTHING to do with these shenanigans. NOTHING.

Wild kingdom, CO-style

This spring, we made a very wise investment: a $14.99 birdfeeder from Target. This investment has provided many a cheap thrill and much low-cost entertainment via what we have deemed "Kitteh TV", a/k/a the drama that unfolds outside the back door, as viewed from the cat perch.

Besides the obvious, birds, we have a baby bunny...


This never fails to bring a smile to Hank's face.

But then tonight, we got a new visitor...

He thought he was being pretty sneaky...

But then he realized he was being watched.


We don't want to wait and see who wins this one. We have little kids bordering our yard on all sides, so we might need to nip this one in the bud.

Any ideas???

lazy sunday: check

We did nothing today, really, and I'm just fine with that. Yesterday was busy; we drove to the Springs, visited the step grandkids, then went to the home of K&K for dinner and disco dancing. SRSLY. There were homemade margs (thanks, K1!) and loud rave music (thanks, K2!) and dancing and -- ouch, I can still feel it in odd parts of my anatomy, but it was fuuuuun. We also received a very thorough demo of the Wii Fit (thanks, K2!) and I can't wait to have an income again so I can get me one!

So comparatively, today was tame. My body is a little bit sore and my mind is a little bit bored. I have nothing interesting to report. Dinner is in the oven. I clipped coupons. I made juice in my juicer. I brushed 2 of the 3 kittehs. See, those things just aren't that bloggable, so I guess I'll go now. I'm really just trying to stay in the habit of blogging, as i know how easily it can fall by the wayside. Until then...

night

Nighttime has become something to dread. This is odd for me, because by nature I am a night owl. But lately, nighttime seems more lonely and tends to stretch endlessly til dawn. R and I are on different internal schedules, due to my unemployed status and his non-unemployed status. So he goes to sleep before me and rises before me. This is all fine, but I find myself now, at 1:30am, curled up in the bed next to my snoring fiance, typing in the soft glow of 48 hours mystery on the tv. There are two cats entwined between us, leaning against me and bathing each other with all the seriousness that kittens can muster. Their measured laps create a sweet rhythm in the dark, and periodically I reach over and pet one of them reassuringly. My hand comes away slick with cat spit.

I just caught Hank gazing at me in the dark with his intense yellow eyes, as if to say "thank you, mama, for giving me my very own bella to love." You're welcome, my feline son.

+++++++++++++++++

Tomorrow morning we will drive to Col. Springs to visit R's youngest grandkids, L (1 1/2) and C (6 months). Neither of them can talk yet, so the issue of what to call me has not presented itself; but I think I want to be "Miss Lisa". Reasonable, no? I am NOT their "Grandmother", and it's not that I hate the ancient connotations that go with that term (although please - I'm not even 40! or related by blood!). It's that I have not earned such a title. No spawn have passed through my body and I have raised nothing but felines of dubious character. I don't think it's fair to hold that title when it's not accurate. What do you think?

eeeek.

So. Here we are, eons later.

I don't even know where to start, but here goes... since I have had numerous requests to get my blog going again. And since I've become somewhat reclusive during the past few months, maybe this will be a good way to update inquiring minds?

I haven't written anything for public consumption in - oh - forever, so I'm a little rusty. I am going to lame-out and go with a bulleted format, just to state a few important items... each one could probably be an entire blog entry itself, but this is why I've put off updating for so long -- it's simply overwhelming. This is about all I can manage for now:

• Hank is large.
  Like 13 pounds large, and just now a year old! He is hysterical. We lurve him. also, he has a new girlfriend, since Piper wasn't being very cougar-like...
• Introducing: Bella!
  
  She is about 6 1/2 months old, and she was an accident. An unplanned addition to the family, if you will. She comes from dubious roots, from a vague Craigslist ad in Col. Springs. R's youngest daughter adopted her in a fit of pet craving, then realized a few hours into it that she is still quite allergic to cats. We inherited Bella the next day. Though reluctant at first, we are now Bella-enthusiasts and can't imagine life with her. Neither can Hank...
  
  
• In January, I once again became a statistic when my company did layoffs. While I am in good company, I am most assuredly looking for a new writing gig, whether that be full time or freelance. I am restless and anxious. But I don't want this post to focus on that right now. So, moving on... (although - if you have any leads, I will be your best friend forever - if i'm not already ;)
  
• I am getting married this October on a cruise with close friends and family, although I am not actively planning the "wedding" part of it due to a lack of finances and inspiration. The two are intrinsically linked, btw. However, the cruise is still on, one way or another...

I know there is a lot more. A LOT more I'm not saying. But this is a good start, no? One big thing I've been contemplating is where to go with blogging in general. Do I want to keep this personal blog, or make a new one with a different focus? Do I want to continue to blog as myself, or go anonymous? I am struggling with the global blogging dilemma of how honest I can be when I'm blasting my thoughts into the ether.

Until next time...