Friday, December 10, 2004

The complexity of friendship and sisterhood

So I originally posted an earlier blog (Once Around) partly for myself, to just get it all out, and partly to diffuse any possible misconceptions or worries my friends/family might have. However, I think it might have backfired. You see, i posted it and then just left it alone. For some reason it didn't even occur to me that my sister would freak out when she read it; in my mind, I was quietly announcing something and stating my feelings. I thought the lack of response meant people had read it and gotten it and decided I had my eyes wide open and i know what i'm doing, or at least that i'm willing to accept any consequences.

But now I see that to her, I have been withholding something major, and why? because i'm ashamed? embarrassed? I know my sistah and these are the things she might be wondering right now. Has her older sister lost her mind? Am I a complete idiot? Am I foolishly setting myself up for the same drama to repeat itself with this person? Is this relationship toxic with nothing but bad things to come? And if so, am I going to be shocked and heartbroken again?

Well, no. Part of the reason I posted Once Around was to clarify and organize my thoughts on the matter - both to myself and to anyone reading it who knew and cared. But I felt really bad yesterday when I realized that it might have seemed to her like I chickened out by not mentioning it sooner. The simple reason why it hasn't come up is that it's not the focal point of my life. That is, there are lots of other things going on with me that I'd rather talk about and share in the limited time I have with my sister. I consider myself very close to her, I think she's the coolest person ever and a total role model for me if I ever become a mom and have my own family. She's always been...cooler than me. Her whole outlook on life is different than mine, yet also the same in many ways. While we share the same history, it affected us differentlly and we are both very different people. But that's just one thing I adore about her -- her viewpoint on everything, from our past to the present, is so refreshingly different than mine. She helps me to see things in new ways.

However, we have had disconnects in our relationship here and there over the years, and the disconnected feeling during these times really sucks and I hate it. We've had situations where we both felt frustrated and misunderstood and even hopeless that the other would never "get it" -- but because we are sisters and we love each other, we always get over it and accept the differences eventually. It is hard that we live in different towns, have completely different lifestyles and we can't talk or visit as much as we'd like. Naturally, there are going to be things in both our lives we don't know about the other. I considered the current situation just one of those things -- not that big a deal overall.

But I concede that I didn't think it all the way through. And I wish I'd told her sooner so she didn't find out on the Internet. And I'm sorry, sistah, I really am. Please know that I wasn't hiding from you. I'm really sorry if I've stressed you out. Please accept my sincere apology for being somewhat of a dumbass.

I had dinner with my friend Anita last night, and as we were discussing the CJ situation, she said something really interesting and cool; she said she would never judge a friend for doing something potentially stupid or harmful; however, she reserves the right to remind them, upon disaster, that they knew this would happen and simply chose to do something stupid. And that is everyone's perogative.

So if the whole thing with CJ crashes and burns, well, there you have it. I am hereby announcing that I am very aware of that possibility and I will live with it if everything goes terribly awry. But for now i'm living in the moment and he fits in every now and then. Will it last till tomorrow? Is it truly impossible to be "friends" with an ex? I have no idea, but I'll letcha know when I find out.

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