It's Real

It's official: I've accepted an offer with the dream company in Colorado!! And I even have a start date: August 15! Yes! OMG! And my realtor wants to put my house on the market next Monday! So now I have that deadline and have been stunned out of my paralysis!

So I'm a little wound up. Sorry. Today I conquered my bedroom closet. Behold:



My shoe solution:



And in this one, the emphasis is on the Floor. How it is Empty. Yes.



So anyway, the goal is to one dreadful task a day. Tomorrow I take on the utility room. Read: catbox room. Ugh.

I really am excited, but I can't quite see past the logistical nightmare ahead of me in the next 3-4 weeks. The premium situation would be for my house to be sold in less than a week (HA) then I can *really* pack and take everything with me when I go to CO. If my house was sold, I could go ahead and rent a place up there. But this plan hinges on my house not sitting on the market for months. I don't think that will happen -- things are selling pretty well in my neighborhood right now. All very exciting!! Either way, I'll be staying with my sis (read: nephews) for a while, which will be cool. Very cool.

Well that's the scoop for now, I'm going to try and sleep...maybe I'll sleep easier tonight? It hasn't quite sunk in yet, but the bottom line is

I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!

Going out with a silent hissssssssss…

So since it looks like I’m definitely uprooting and moving to CO within the next month or so, my list of things “to do” has dramatically increased, as well as increased in intensity. Yet I spent this weekend, the first in a month that I was at my own home, paralyzed and freaked out. I simply don’t know where to start, or at least that’s what I tell myself. Usually shopping helps loosen me up and garners inspiration, but I can’t even make myself go buy those plastic shoeboxes I’ve decided are the solution to my closet shoe problem. Which would hopefully kick-start the official and awful cleaning of my closet. The thing I dread most in the world, at the moment. But every time I go in there, I get bogged down in my messy bedroom (with a partially unpacked suitcase still on the floor, Piper’s new cat bed) and bathroom (a pile of dirty clothes I can’t seem to relocate to the laundry room) before even getting to the odious closet. I have, however, changed out a few light bulbs, which is SOMETHING, people. I don’t know why it never occurred to me before the visit from the house-selling guru, but putting in 75-watt bulbs in my closet and laundry room made a HUGE difference. Go figure. I mean, why has it never occurred to me that perhaps the rooms wouldn’t be so dark if there was more light??

But. That’s about it, as far as progress. I’ve been in denial and freak-out land, spending a lot of time sleeping. Because when I’m sleeping my tummy isn’t doing flips and my mind isn’t racing with “omg what have I done”-type thoughts. I did manage to socialize Friday night, but bailed out on plans yesterday and today because I couldn’t make myself get moving soon enough OR I was asleep. Very very sad. Maybe I’m preparing myself subconsciously for the solitude that will most likely accompany me after my cross-country move? I will say it: I am scared shitless. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to go – I’m going! But I’m scared. It’s hard to imagine starting over at 36 – it feels very different than the last time I uprooted and started over, more than 12 years ago.

So. That’s the state of the Lisa. I’m thinking at this point I will not be going out with a “bang”… it feels more on target with my mood right now to slink out of town, thus in denial of all the sad “goodbyes” and such. We’ll see… Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow. Because this is what I want, what I have wanted – right??

Yes, yes it is.

Observations on travel - the short list

During my recent jet setting, I have learned/observed various things. Things such as:

1. Don't E.V.E.R. fly with a sinus infection.
2. Don't consume 5 cough drops in under 10 minutes -- even though this may prevent said infected sinuses from exploding upon takeoff and landing, it will make you somewhat dizzy. And nauseous. Also, don't freak upon reading the cough-drop instructions and seeing you are only supposed to take "1 every 2-3 hours". It's too late. Deal.
3. Be prepared to battle ants in the catfood -- for the first time in a year -- upon your late-night return.
4. Do not expect to sleep after leaving said cats alone for 10 days out of the last 14. Having a petsitter doesn't take the edge off. At all.
5. It's okay to think hateful thoughts about the person seated next to you on your 4th flight in 14 days. Thoughts like, "If that person steals my armrest ONE MORE TIME i'm spiking her water with cough drops when she gets up to go to the bathroom for the 4th time in half an hour..." Think it, but don't do it.
6. Don't expect to meet lofty goal of getting your house on the market four days after returning from many travels, much stress, and a sinus infection.
7. Don't be too hard on yourself if you're not feeling particularly prolific upon your return to hell - er, Texas in July. ;)

Um. Yeah, so a list of seven. Sorry, that's the best i can do right now. More to come...

musings from colorado

I can hear the sound of things falling into place, with little light plinks, clicking with satisfying snaps. Thoughts running loose in my head. I try to read, but my mind wanders. Beyond logistics, or money, or work. I am recalling things from my past, things that in retrospect, have all lead up to my present. It is disconcerting.

BT sent me a message tonight, uncharacteristically thoughtful of him. Uncharacteristically mindful, actually – I was not aware that he kept track of my whereabouts or remembered my schedule. But I am reminded of a time, many years ago, when he called me, and I listened in silence as he haltingly apologized to me. Even then it was surreal to hear him say it was his fault, not mine. He had been an idiot, I had not been too clingy, too emotional, too anything. He was simply too…himself. And long ago, we tried again to make it work. Tried to be more, tried to be everything. And there were – are – moments of synchronicity. But it has been years since I thought we could be anything but what we are now. So I wonder why these memories of a more innocent, more hopeful time, are visiting me tonight, so far away from home. Or is that exactly why?

My heart aches with the knowledge of all that I am leaving behind to come here, to start fresh, to “reboot” my life, so to speak. I will not lose my dear friends, and Austin will still be there, waiting for me, but everything will change, more than I can probably imagine at this point. Will I feel the additional distance between myself and those of my friends that I already see sporadically? Or will it feel pretty much the same, with phone calls and emails and visits. Will they forget about me? Will they fill in the gap of me and continue, the same but different? And just how lonely will I be here, thousands of miles away, alone at a new job, a new city, a new life. What will I do when I plummet into my occasional darkness, when I hit my internal emotional wall? Who will I call when I need to connect, when I need someone to hold me? I know there will be other arms, new arms in my future, but will that soften the blow of losing the arms that hold me now?

Tomorrow is going to be exhausting and I should try to sleep. A full day of more interviews, then a race to the airport to catch a flight home, where I will fall into bed tired and mindless and not be able to sleep because there will be two needy felines anxiously curling around my body, nuzzling my ears, mewing their relief that I am home.

Home?

Back at home for two days -- quick update

Well I obviously did not end up taking my laptop on my trip to D.C., and as it turns out I would have had no time to blog anyway. I am working on the summary blog, but in the meantime I got back yesterday and I'm working on getting sick, which is perfect because I leave for CO on Saturday. Yay me!

But I did want to check in and say that I survived and those Vietnam Helicopter Pilots are tough cookies and damn I feel like crap.

More soon!

Kitty Toes! and News!

First things first -- I present to you Kitty Toes:



Aren't they scrumptious?? Ok, now down to business.

I have been inordinately busy so far this week because I FINALLY got a call from CO --and I have been summoned to Denver for an interview!!! YAY!!!! I fluctuate between being really excited to totally freaking out. It's a roller coaster, and it doesn't help that starting this Friday, it's going to be Go Go Go for the next 2 weeks...

First, let me just say I had the longest weekend in the history of my life, or so it seemed. And not in a good "long weekend" way. I was pretty much reclusive and despondent, wondering and worrying about why I hadn't heard anything yet about the interview. Then yesterday, at 3pm, after I'd pretty much written it off with only a minimum of hysterical sobbing, THEY CALLED! And I'm going! And they're sending me up the weekend prior so I can visit my sistah!

So here's my schedule for the next two weeks, since I know everyone is dying to know:

Friday, June 30 - Wednesday, July 5 -- In D.C. with my parents and my sister for my dad's annual VHPA (Vietnam Helicopter Pilots Association) reunion. Never mind that it's flooding in D.C. right now, we're talking about thousands of grizzled old helicopter pilots and it takes more than a river of rain to phase them. There's a PARADE on the 4th, even, Lord help us all.

Saturday, July 8 - Tuesday, July 11 -- In Denver for weekend w/my sistah and my 2-day job interview -- woo-hoo!!!

Yeah, so my upcoming schedule is a stark contrast to the last couple months of my life. Guess that's how it works, and that's okay with me -- I'm ready to move on to the next phase...

I am planning on having my laptop w/me on these trips, so I can still stay connected to the Internets.

Thank you all for your continued support! I could feel the good vibes...

Reluctant

The following is the first in a series of writing exercises I'm going to be working on. I got this book with ideas of how to inspire yourself to get started, to get your juices flowing, so to speak, and this is the first thing that came bubbling out of my psyche.

************************************
The summer of my discontent began innocently enough, although annoyingly. Summer actually started back in spring, the first time it hit 90. As the temperatures rose, so did the tension and stress levels, it seemed. People at work were edgier, wound tighter, less likely to go out to eat than to huddle at their desk and furtively read blogs while “working” through lunch. It seemed the world became more sluggish, as the burning sun sapped the strength and energy out of everything. Work even slowed down, at such an alarming rate that layoffs were necessary, and yours truly was one of the casualties. Spending so much energy trying not to take it personally is exhausting. Takes the fire right out of you.

Unemployment is a lonely affair. Suddenly, the people who have been part of your daily life for years are ...not. It is like on top of losing one’s self respect and dignity, one also lose a family of sorts. One day you’re “in”, the next day you’re “out” -- with zero time to absorb the transition. And it's somewhat awkward when you do meet up with your work friends; is it okay for them to talk about work? Do you really want to hear that they're sooooo busy right now, that the company that laid you off because business was slow is now doing fabulously? or would you rather hear that the company is tanking? It's all so complicated, and you don't even know yourself.

Those close to you assume that being unemployed means you have tons of free time to skip and play and stay out till all hours of the night; to go to the park all day long, writing lazily on a laptop while floating down the river on a raft. They imagine all the time they’d have to work out, to really get in shape, or to learn to cook or get organized; they ponder all the wine they would drink. Even better, all the unlimited time to travel, unfettered by deadlines for once in their life. Oh, the possibilities seem so limitless and unattainable, to those who have never been laid off.

But they’re missing a huge chunk squarely from the center of the puzzle. They’re not seeing the part of you that is wounded, the gap where your heart was, your soul, whatever that part was that believed in your worth and motivated you to get up every morning and do something productive. Being laid off is like being forced to open the door to a burning room – the unbearable heat sucks you in, singing your pride and killing your sense of humor. And it is a slow, painful death. How long one can pretend is a personal matter. I started tanking after a couple of months, gradually withdrawing into my own little bland, colorless world. Who in their right mind would want to join me here? Here sucks right now.

Here's the thing. Traveling costs money; wine costs money; partying costs money. And writing on your laptop at a funky coffee house all afternoon? Costs money. Basically, leaving the house AT ALL costs you something. Your social life is slowly disintegrating because, think about it – when was the last time you had a friendly gathering and didn’t drink wine? Or order pizza? Or make margaritas? See a movie? Everything. Costs. Money. And it’s awkward for those who have it as well as those who don’t.

What this summer has become is hours of fitful sleep, at all the wrong times. A constant knawing in the pit of my stomach, worrying about the next job lead – or lack thereof. While job searching, you lose your ability to trust pretty quickly. Positive feedback or even promises are empty until the ink is dry – and it's pretty fucking humid in Texas. The process will always take much longer than they tell you it will. In the meantime, you burrow further into your cocoon.

Only this time, way deep inside my fuzzy cocoon, I’m doing something: I’m writing.

**********************************************

Still no definitive job news. Trust me, I'll shout it from the rooftops when and if I hear something fabulous.

Ok, ok! Sheesh...

Sorry about the cliffhanger. Always a sucker for drama, that's me. Here's the deal: I had a long phone interview with the dreamy company in CO yesterday, and today I am literally sitting on pins and needles clicking "check incoming mail" every 4 seconds waiting to see if they're flying me up tomorrow or Monday for the face-to-face interview. YIPPPPEEEEEEEE! Although I've been completely nauseous and unable to eat, this is VERY good news! I didn't want to say anything until it was all lined up, but I decided to put a little hopeful karma out there...

So with any luck, this time tomorrow I'll be somewhere where it's 20 degrees cooler.



[squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!]

and the Universe listened...

...more to come soon...

Stick a fork in me...

...because I am DONE.

I’m calling "mercy" to the Universe.

Do you hear me, UNIVERSE??? Let's have a little MERCY!!!

I am so fucking fed up with where I am. And where exactly am I? I am in TEXAS where it feels like 90 degrees outside right at this moment, which is nearing 1:00 a.m., I might add. Where it is so humid I could swim out there, if only I knew how. I am done with piles of teetering boxes in my garage and trying to eek myself around my big dirty car out there without getting dirt on my clothes. I am finished with stupid car warranties that ended exactly one month ago and one thousand miles ago, though my car is messed up today, not ONE MONTH AGO. I am sick of jobs that solicit resumes and kiss-ass cover letters only to never respond at all. You can shove your “you should hear something next week”’s where the Texas sun don’t shine. That’s NOWHERE, for those of you non-natives.

I am finished. Finito. I think I am going to put all my shit in storage and get the hell outta Dodge before I kick Dodge’s ass beyond all recognition*.

So consider me halfway out the door, people. Right after I pay out the ass to get my car fixed, finish the lame contract I’m working on, and fire off a couple more “just checking in” emails.

Then I’m sooooo calling the Pod people.



*Because you know, I’d like Dodge to still be around later if I should ever change my mind. A girl's gotta have options.

Plain vanilla.

I ventured forth today in the more than 100-degree heat, on a pilgrimage for ice cream. And tampons and lunchmeat and other stuff. But most importantly, the ice cream. I ventured to the Giant Walmart that has been built less than a mile from my house. I am not a fan, I much prefer Target. However, Walmart was closer and I was hot.

Ok, not too crowded in the middle of the afternoon, good to know, good to know. I even found a parking space within a quarter mile of the door -- woo hoo! But something happened to me as I entered the Behemoth Discount Nightmare (BDN). As I often do when I'm overwhelmed, I got flustered and committed several no-nos. I forgot the tampons. I accidentally bought a flowerpot I thought was $10, but turned out to be $20. And worst of all, I f***ed up the ice cream.

Yes, even though I spent a good five minutes peering into the cooler, reading labels, determining that my favorite flavor was out of stock (brownie batter -- mmmmm), deciding to try the new cream and chocolate cookie flavor -- it was all for naught. Because when I was checking out, I realized I'd accidentally grabbed Ben & Jerry's Vanilla. Plain vanilla. And not just ANY plain vanilla, but ORGANIC plain vanilla. Which, gross on all counts. As an ice cream snob, I only like vanilla ice cream if it's swirled with fudge and candy and marshmallows and caramel and...anything but nuts, basically. And to buy the Cadillac of ice cream, B&Js, and get PLAIN VANILLA, well that's just...nuts, basically.

But did I put it back? Nooooo. I'd waited in line for 10 minutes and everything was melting and I suppose I thought maybe I'd use it to lure Tamara back over to my house soon. So.........Tam?

I can't help but wonder, why do I detest plain vanilla? Why do I have to have fancy ice cream? Could it be the same reason I have trouble accepting things that are obvious to other people? Why I never believe it could be "that simple"? Do I crave drama? Do I need to complicate my life to make it interesting, and ice cream is simply a metaphor for life???



um, no. I just prefer chocolate.
But not just any chocolate; THIS chocolate...

My struggle with cabin fever

Sometimes there’s just not enough stuff on the Internet. I am trying to procrastinate, dammit, and I can’t find anything I haven’t already surfed 10 times – I even looked up and downloaded that song from the Liberty Mutual commercial. The main problem is that anything really entertaining costs money. I haven’t left the house in 2 days because I’m trying not to spend money. (Well, also, i'm completely nocturnal now). And it’s almost impossible to leave the house and not spend anything. It’s also really hard to surf the Internet with no money to spend. Ok, I’ll admit it – I love spending money. It’s like a high for me – and before you go calling me a shopping addict, let me just point out that obviously I’m not, or I’d be out shopping right now – because Lord knows I could use a high.

I’m getting bored and antsy. Yes I’m still looking for jobs, of course I am, but there’s nothing going on right now. I have an eensy bit of freelance work that is also boring (thus the procrastination). As anyone who has had a prolonged job hunt knows, these things take time – it’s basically a waiting game, and it’s only “cool” to “check in” with people once a week or so. So in the meantime, I’m stuck organizing my iTunes, watching a lot of TV, and looking up commercials on the Internet.

In 2 weeks I go on the DC trip with my family, but that won’t exactly be a vacation; it promises to be busy and action-packed, with lots of scheduled activities – not my favorite format, but it is what it is. It will be fun to hang out with my family, especially my sis, but I kinda wish we were going on, say, an Alaskan Cruise instead… that’s actually not a bad idea; wonder if somehow I could plant the seed for next year…

Here it is mid-June somehow. Did I mention how antsy I am??? Also, I’m ready to get out of this house, like for good. But orchestrating that is impossible until I have a job. And know where I’m going to be living. Like, in what state. So there’s this underlying tension that the summer is halfway over and my house isn’t on the market yet, and there’s nothing I can do except keep packing boxes.

Happy happy Monday. At least it’s over.

SnakeWatch 2006: Mission Complete

I had seen no sign of the snake since the initial sighting yesterday. Every time I've seen a cat since then, I've looked into their eyes and told them "Get the snake." Well finally they must've listened, because just now I walked through my kitchen and there was the snake again, coiled up just the same as yesterday, again in the middle of the tile. This time I wasted no time in sweeping him into a dustpan. He really didn't move that much, except to raise his head and stick his slithery snake tongue out at me. I was pretty fascinated now that I had The Power again. I even touched it, and it just sort of shrunk away from me. HomeSnake has been through some trauma, maybe he was in shock, who knows. But he was alive and I finally caught him. I just finished setting him loose on the other side of my fence, the part that backs up to the greenbelt and the pond -- he should have no trouble finding his way far far away from my yard. So: The Reign of the Snake is Over.

I'm glad he's gone, although it wasn't bothering me THAT much -- I figured he would eventually turn up, what with two cats running around and all. Let me be clear though, I am no Badass. I simply have a different phobia. I've been telling people that if it was a Tarantula or other large arachnid loose in my house? I would not be staying here. Hell, I'd probably be in CO by now. We all have our little quirks...

Reptilemania

Oh yeah, we're a regular reptile house over here. So you know my cats like to capture/maul lizards. I'd say I rescue 2-3 a week. From INSIDE my house. But I've always kinda liked lizards, so it's not a crisis (well, at least not for me -- I suppose it is for the hapless lizard...).

However. This morning I stumbled into my kitchen, all barefoot and pajama'd and vulnerable and shit, and just looky at what I found in the Middle. of. My. Kitchen. Floor.



Oh yeah. Now i'm not phobic about snakes like I am about spiders, but still, a dead snake. Ewww. So what do I do? Well first, I snap photos. Duh. Then I decide to be a drama queen and consult a couple of friends before acting. We chat and horrify and postulate and gross out for about 20 minutes. In a somewhat better mood, I saunter back into the kitchen to somehow get the snake out, and...wait for it......keep waiting...... IT'S GONE.

The snake. It is not dead.

The snake, the one I put my face right up to as I inspected it, that snake? Alive and well. Mobile, in fact. Upon reflection, I thought it looked kinda juicy for a dead snake, but what do I know? Lesson learned: Trust your instincts, people.

Of course the first thing I had to do was call my friends back and shriek that the Snake, It Is ALIVE!!

Finally, I was alone with my LOSER cats and a fugitive reptile. It could be anywhere in my house. It could die under my fridge, right as I put my house on the market. Not good.

However, I think I may have a pretty good idea where it is hiding for now...



Updates to come. Believe me.

Oh, and the cats? They are sooooo grounded.

You know you're an insomniac when...

1. You are always awake for the emergency broadcasting system test -- it always interrupts NYPD Blue.
2. You don't even consider sleeping until about 3am.
3. It feels perfectly normal to do laundry and clean at 1am.
4. You eat lunch at 4pm and dinner at 11pm.
5. You are a leeetle too excited when you find another friend awake and on IM at 3am. And you chat online for an hour. About how you can't sleep.
6. You can now adeptly hop around on the TV and find something to watch all the way until dawn. With no lulls.
7. The cats go down for the night way before you do. And they get annoyed when you come to bed later and bother them.
8. Your cat nudges you awake at noon to refill his food bowl. And you're pissed at him.
9. You've done some of your best organizing after midnight.
10. You're averaging 3-4 books a week. But if someone asks what a book is about, you can't really remember.

round = jess

This posting is about cat eyeballs. My cat eyeballs, I mean. I mean, not MY cat eyeballs, because I'm not a cat, obviously, but ..... never mind. It's late.

Everyone who has ever met Jess has commented that he's more like a dog than a cat. Which, cool. He's low maintenance and calm like a cat but attentive, affectionate and loyal, like a dog. The second thing people comment on are his strikingly round eyes. Most cats, I don't know if you've noticed, but most cats don't have circle eyeballs. But Jess has beautiful round eyes, and he likes to make google-eye faces at the camera. He's very handsome and googly. He never flinches at a flash, either. Observe:


Oh, wait.

Anyway, he loves the camera and especially likes being in my ebay photos. And he's always...somehow...round...



and also


Yeah. Cat not included in sale.

The point is, everything about Jess is round. So I guess you could say he's a well-rounded cat.

(did i mention it's late? I mean, look at the time stamp, for cryin' out loud...)

My theory is proven once more

And my theory is this: If you want something to happen, a phone call to come, an email, whatever, you must Not. Be. Home. You can sit in your house day after day and compulsively check your email a hundred times an hour, but until you get dressed and get the hell out of dodge, that email ain't comin'.

So. I went to "work" today. I usually try to do the work at home, but I hired some window-cleaning people to come clean my windows inside and out (more "getting the house ready to show" stuff) and I didn't want to be here. I was gone for all of 4 hours, but that's longer than I usually spend at "the office." So I come home, eat, watch tv, and eventually walk into my office where my phone light is urgently blinking on and off, on and off as if to say 'You have a message, dumbass.' This is all notable because usually the first thing I do when I get home is check email and voicemail, but for some reason today I just...didn't. Imagine my delight when it was the Mystery Job in Denver calling to update me on the job status and forewarn of upcoming freelance work?? I was so happy that I immediately called the woman back without even swallowing apparently, because when she said "hello" all that came out of my mouth was a croak. Classsy. Anyway, it was all good. Basically, still no definites on when a FT position will be open, but they have me in their sights for when it happens. So before I get crazy and accept one of the hundreds of job offers pouring in daily right here in Austin, I am supposed to let her know so maybe she can "light a fire" under the right people. Ok, cool. I am picking up a few freelance gigs right now anyway, so I can go with the flow for a while. And my old boss, who would be my new boss at the Mystery Job in Denver, is getting projects ready to hand off to me. So, yay!!

After that peak, I just cruised for the rest of the day, alternately reading a book for hours on end and filling out "sell your house" paperwork from the realtor.


Oh, and when i finally got around to checking my email, the Mystery Job in Denver had also sent me an email imploring me to call them. Like, they really really wanted to get in touch with me. And none of this would have happened had I "worked from home" today. So, yay for leaving the house!

that is all.

Good fortune

I got this in my fortune cookie tonight:

You will soon be receiving some good written news.

That works for me -- even though i'm mystified by the "written" part -- does anyone use paper anymore??

I hope so. hee.

Why Colorado?

It occurred to me that the 80 frillion strangers faithfully reading my blog every day might not know why I'm so drawn to Colorado. Obviously, my nephews are there, but me and Colorado go way back. Me and Colorado are old friends.

It all started back in the late 70s, when my family went to Spring Canyon for our summer vacation. Spring Canyon was/is a retreat-type place run by OCF -- Officer's Christian Fellowship. It was/is a beautiful, rustic, friendly and affordable vacation spot for those in the military and their families. For two summers, we went there, and I fell in love. Those two weeks, one each summer, affected me greatly and I truly believe that's where my wanderlust began. Being an army brat anyway, I already wasn't afraid of living in different places, but CO might be somewhere I would choose to go on my own someday. Tucked into the Rocky Mountains and neighboring a small town appropriately called Buena Vista, Spring Canyon was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. I also made several friends I would connect with again in later years.

Here's the deal: Spring Canyon is kept clean and orderly by a volunteer staff of teenagers from all over the world. In exchange for free room and board, they would rotate several groups of 16-20 teens throughout the summer, teens who got the "camp" experience without the yucky tents and stuff :) The food was home-cooked, and part of the support staff's job was to help in the kitchen and serve meals. We had a few hours of downtime each day where we could do our own thing, and even one day off a week where we didn't have to work at all.

Ok, I already gave it away with the "we" -- as soon as I was old enough, 15, I applied and was accepted as a staff member during the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of high school. Knowing I had this to look forward to helped me make it through some rough boyfriend moments that year in school. I couldn't wait to go and experience my first real bout with independence in a "safe" venue. As expected,I loved it. I was there for a 5-week stint, which was the longest I'd ever been away from family. I missed them, but also discovered how good it is to miss something sometimes, so you appreciate it more when you return. I made lifelong friends that summer and even had a mini (very mini) romance with one of the guests. This was against the rules and scandalous, but hey -- what did they expect with a bunch of teenagers and pretty mountains? It was very innocent, but it was enough to make my boyfriend back home jealous and actually shape up for a month or so before deteriorating back to asshole-status. But I digress.

The second summer I went was for 6 weeks. I was 16, a little older and wiser, and embraced the whole experience with joy and no fear of the unknown. This was the summer I truly came into my own. I found I wasn't that "shy" after all -- the label I'd always had in school was not true, much to my surprise. I felt popular for the first time in my post-elementary-school life, but we were such a close-knit group that there were no "outsiders", unlike "real life". Spring Canyon was an amazing, life-altering escape from reality, which was something I really needed. It was a little pocket in time where I could laugh til I cried and be myself and feel spiritual, stuff I was too tied in knots to do at home during the rest of the year. And the second summer, I had a summer romance. His name was Marshall and he was the first soccer player I would be involved with (in an ongoing stream of soccer players...heh). We were 16, beautiful, filled with the magic of the place, surrounded by people we liked and respected, and we fell in love. I still had my boyfriend back home, but what a difference it made to finally have a comparison. Marshall made Chris's faults all the more hideous, and I came back that summer not quite as susceptible to his bullshit. Marshall and I wrote tons of letters that year and called each other once a week, taking turns. He lived in North Carolina. We finnagled and prayed and crossed our fingers and toes, and somehow ended up on the same staff for our third summer.

The third summer. I was gone a full 7 weeks this time, because I went up early and stayed late with my friend Kelly at her home in Co. Springs. In between was the joy, the drama, the heartbreak, the strength, and more dear friends. Every year it was harder to go home to my blah life in San Antonio and my disappointing boyfriend. Things in Texas just weren't as shiny as in Colorado. My friends in CO "got" me. I didn't think most of my friends in TX "got" me. Of course Marshall and I had a disastrous and dramatic breakup within our first couple days together, but I learned how to concede with grace that summer. It was painful, yes, but my heart had already been ripped into bloody shreds by my h.s. sweetheart, so it was not unbearable. Even when Marshall paired off with another girl on staff, Becky, I couldn't be mad at her because she was so awesome and I loved her so much. Plus, I knew they didn't have the same spark we had the previous summer. The point is, I didn't freak out and it didn't ruin my trip, like it might have two years prior. I had grown, as a person and as a friend. I left my third summer at Spring Canyon to return to TX for my senior year, which is a whole novel in itself.

Every summer in CO, I became more convinced that I felt more myself there, that I felt more at home, more comfy, more at peace. I could hear myself think there. And the mountains made me feel closer to all that is good in the world. I continued flirting with Colorado during college, when I would go home with my friend Kelly for Spring Breaks. Yes, the one from Spring Canyon, who lived in Co. Springs. She ended up being my roommate in college for a couple of years.

When I met who would become my husband (then ex-husband), I was very clear with him that I had no intention of staying in TX forever. That I was biding my time until I could move back to CO. He would laugh and roll his eyes and pat me on the head, like "silly lisa, whatever you say..." It wasn't until we were married that I realized he had no intention of ever leaving Texas.

In fact, I had a job opportunity AT Spring Canyon right after I graduated from college -- but I chose to stay in Texas because my ex and I were supposed to get engaged. I chose him over my true love. Live and learn.

When my sis and her family moved to Denver last summer, it was bittersweet. I was sad they wouldn't be nearby anymore, but at the same time, I was excited they'd be in one of my favorite places on earth. And in the back of my mind, I was thinking "hmmm....." I would tell people "well if something were to happen with my job, who knows...". Well, people, that something happened and I have a promising job lead in Denver -- and THAT'S Why Colorado.

As afraid as I am to uproot the life I've built here in Austin, all my dear friends, my career contacts, my sense of "home", I am just as excited to start fresh somewhere else. And not just any somewhere...but Colorado.

So. We shall see.

My little helper

As I sit here at my computer, Piper is meticulously knocking objects off my desk, one by one. First it was a pen. Then it was a stuffed cat. Now she's eyeing my digital camera. She knocks them off, then looks at me to gauge my reaction. And, I can't really get mad at her; I mean, could YOU get mad at this little face?? Or at that fancy claw??



and



I mean, she's *helping* me clean, right??

Anyway. I'm trying to work on the freelance stuff, but i'm not very inspired right now. I haven't been in several days, which is why I haven't posted anything. I've got no new amazing updates, but you can be SURE I'll post as soon as something fabulous happens!!

And I leave you with this...



If only I felt as self-satisfied as she looks in that pic...[[sigh]]

Just can't get enough

I just finished watching Taylor Hicks on Jay Leno and my cheeks actually hurt from smiling. I never watch Leno -- I'm more of a Conan gal -- but when I saw Taylor was a guest, I tuned in. And people, I don't know what it is about that man, but I can't stop grinning and clapping at almost everything he says. I know, it's immature, weird, even creepy -- but honestly, I can't remember the last time I was so into a public figure. Me and David Hasselhoff, Taylor's biggest fans. Heh.

In other news, BT made a reappearance today, which was surprising but nice, I went to the new Walmart by my house and the experience didn't totally suck, I went a little overboard on buying plastic storage containers, and finally, we broke out the kinder eggs that have been in my utility room since my trip to Germany in 1996 and boy, was that 10-year-old chocolate nasty. I knew it wouldn't be edible, but it was grrooosssss. However, the toys inside were still mucho cool and worth touching chocolate ectoplasm.

the end.

Live Blog: American Idol Season Finale, Part 4

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Vindication at last! I'm so happy with the winner!!! I was actually getting kind of teary-eyed, a little nostalgic, feeling the love, when the cameras panned to the audience and stopped on someone's face...someone who was also crying... and it was



David Hasselhoff.


So yes, Cheesefest 2006 has come to a close, but at least the best man won. Yay Taylor!!! My favorite idol so far!

Lisa Hicks. I like the sound of that.

Live Blog: American Idol Season Finale, Part 3

and just when you thought you were in the clear....


dirty dancing.



this is me, speechless.

Live Blog: American Idol Season Finale, Part 2

Prince.

PRINCE?

Seriously?

Live Blog: American Idol Season Finale, Part 1

OMG, WTF is this??? American Idol does ELEVATOR MUZAK????

It is an hour and thirty-three minutes into the season finale and I am about to scream -- only about 5 minutes of the last 93 have been worth watching. Other observations:

- so. do you think clay aiken is gay? is that what they were trying to say ever so subtly??
- was it me or were taylor and katharine underwhelmed at their brand new shiny mustangs? I almost expected kat to say "...but my daddy only lets me drive japanese cars..."
-seriously, who's idea was it to feature elevator music on the season finale??
-what happened to poor Elliot when he was singing "with" Mary J. Blige? Was it me, or did she kind of swoop in and take over the whole song, drowning him out and even doing a breathy "thank you, thank ya" at the end of the song? weird.
-I love Mandisa. I really do. But she should not wear bright red. That's all I'm saying.
-Taylor is H.O.T.
-I didn't realize how much I didn't miss Ace until he came back.

to be contd....

it's getting to be that time of year again...

...the time of year when crazy people think it's fun to go sleep outside in the woods and rise with the sun. Makes absolutely no sense to me -- why not go in the winter when it's not Africa hot??? [this is me shaking my head in wonder.]

Anyway, here is a list of the Top 12 Reasons Why I Hate Camping:

1. no A/C.
2. bugs.
3. lots of bugs.
4. I don’t care about predators, just bugs.
5. gross food. I’m not a big “eat meat that’s been in an ice chest for 24 hours” person; my friends will tell you about my slight mania about refrigeration… also, I hate trail mix and lukewarm drinking water.
6. dirt.
7. no Internet access or color TV – those little handheld b/w TVs with antennas that only pick up sports don’t quite cut it.
8. no **clean** restroom facilities. clean as in you do not have to wear flip flops and shower with one eye fixed on the daddy-long-legs formation throbbing ever so gently yet ominously next to the shower nozzle.
9. everything about camping smells funny.
10. especially musty, gross sleeping bags. does anyone besides me wonder about when the hell they’ve last been washed? I mean, you get into a sleeping bag in your [dirty] clothes, you’re sweaty and [dirty], you sweat all night due to the number one reason I hate camping, then you roll the sleeping bag back up and stick it out in your garage until next time ---- ewwwwwww. and no, “airing it out” does not count.
11. that time nicole rescued a mayfly and we were running for shelter in the pouring-down rain and one of us tripped on the tent rope (ok, it was me) and went flying into the mud and knocked the other one down, tragically smooshing the mayfly.
12. the time there was a downpour and a river was running through our tent and in the middle of the night my cot “snapped” closed, tossing me onto the cold, wet, muddy ground. with the mayfly remains.

I've earned every bubble in my bath tonight

3:15pm

So here I am, back in an office, sitting at a desk that is not in my house.

Traffic. I’m not used to it anymore. It’s like relearning how to drive. Weird. I’d forgotten just how much it sucks. How it adds 20 minutes onto a normally 15 minute drive; how my sweaty legs stick to the leather seats during the summer; how every single radio station will be playing a slew of ads, all at the exact same time. Other things I’ve forgotten how to do in two short months: sit upright for more than an hour or two at a time. Make small talk. Small office talk. Wear clothes besides slouchy cotton t-shirts and shorts. Oh, and how could I forget, makeup. Ugh. [aside: yes, I love makeup; just not every day…]

So here I sit in an actual office, freezing my ass off while it’s 95 degrees right outside the window. I dressed for the warm commute and several-block walk after parking downtown, but I did not dress for –30 degrees below zero office temperatures. So I’m just sitting here in front of my laptop, which is what I do at home, yes; but it’s different here. Here I have to be quiet. I’m wearing shoes. I feel like I shouldn’t slouch. Or sit cross-legged in the chair. Someone else’s chair. Very odd. Can I get used to this again? Or am I just going to realize how much I like NOT going into an office everyday? I wish there was a way to have it all.

[Cont…]

It is now 10pm. I stayed at the office until 6:15, just like old times. And people, I. Am. Tired. I rushed through my errands to make it home in time for American Idol, but I did it. Today, I was mainly nervous about parking downtown. Now I’m all nervous about being there during lunchtime tomorrow – what will I do? I hate being “the new person.”

This is not to say that I am not grateful to have the opportunity to sit in a hip downtown office and write about HIGH END SKINCARE every day, ohhhhh noooo ... I'm not complaining about the work; just getting back into the routine of the daily grind.

Let's say it again, together now: high-end skincare. [cackles at good fortune]

the sky is falling

or rather, the moon...

I just had an unfortunate shower incident. I am still traumatized, and thought perhaps writing about it would purge me of the dreadful memory.

The accident involved dropping this lovely, large, LUSH soap:



While lovely, yes; creamy, yes; gorgeous and fragrant, yes; that mofo is slippery. It is like holding a slimy boomerang in your hand. It is much larger than my hand, so I had to grip it around the face, which you would think would be nice and secure. Not so. In any event, my lovely moon-face soap now has a lovely dent, as does my foot. At a critical moment, I accidentally flung the slippery moon-face soap into my shower window, where it bounced off, knocking three bottles of shower gel and two soap dishes full of other soaps out of the window sill -- and I witnessed all this with soap in my eyes and a razor in my hand. Thank Heavens I jumped in surprise or surely my feet would have been crushed by the falling rubble. As it turned out, I simply have a red "egg" growing on the side of my left foot where the moon-face itself glanced off the side before schizing down the center of my tub and collecting with the other asundry items that were now clogging the drain.

The moral of the story: shaped soaps are indeed lovely, especially those from LUSH, but they are f-ing slippery and overall, dangerous if you live alone and like to shower at 1 am. By candlelight. ahem.

Perhaps that was more than you wished to imagine. But it is the truth, people, and I speak nothing if not the TRUTH.

Beware soap that has a face.

from the archives

I wrote this 8 years ago, at a completely different time in my life. I was in therapy at that time, working through a lot of things, including the end of my marriage. I found this tonight and decided to post it, with just a very few edits to protect those I love. Funny how much things have changed, yet how much they also stay the same.

Awakenings
January 23, 1998

I knew this before, without voicing it so precisely. I may have even mentioned it to people as an example. But a moment ago, as I was flipping through my Daytimer looking at the month ahead, I saw where I had marked the anniversary of my Grandmother’s death. Instantly, I was there. Two years ago, but still fresh when I close my eyes.

What I realized just now is that I do know the precise moment my marriage was over, the instant in which my decision was made. My ex was driving me to San Antonio for the weekend funeral, though he hadn’t been with me earlier that week when I was at the hospital waiting and waiting for life. He was trying to chit-chat and act “normal”, and even asked if I wanted to stop at the outlet mall. It was dark outside, and I remember watching him as he spoke. Watching a stranger. He had now switched the topic to my family and was inventing all the possible crazy scenarios that might occur with all of us in the same room together. Just for fun. He was cracking himself up talking about what if one of my uncles finally let loose on my dad. He went on and on, and I watched him silently, and suddenly I felt so hard the love for him die out. Just vanish. My heart went numb as my mind realized that I didn’t love this man, this man didn’t understand me or know who I was, nor did he realize it, much less give a damn. I realized I could not, would not spend the rest of my life with this person that I despised at that moment. I felt disgust for him, as well as sorrow. This was all an instant, one he was unaware of, and one that I tucked away somewhere until now, when I can look at all of it with clarity.

If I knew then what I know to be true now, as they say, I would have listened to my heart and my body and acknowledged my decision. It was my self that wasn’t ready to give up. Although ironically, that is when I did give up. I stopped caring, I stopped trying, I stopped thinking of a future with him. I began to realize over the next few months how fucking stifled I was, and how had I become so not me? So began the next year and a half of the ending of our marriage. The attacks I made on him, then the guilt. The blame he put on me, and more guilt. Always guilt. It was my fault, I didn’t try hard enough, I had grown cold, I needed help, I was fucked up, but not him. I lived like this for months and months, getting more and more numb and withdrawn, protecting myself with more and more weight. No one would touch me, not my body or my soul. I wouldn’t have it.

We stopped touching, in any way, approximately a year after my Grandmother’s death, in fact, about this time a year ago. It had tapered almost to nothing anyway; he was actually forced to take the initiative because I didn’t care anymore. I went through it, but was not really there. He repulsed me. Finally I said enough. When he wouldn’t honor that, I gave him the ultimatum--couple’s therapy or divorce. I was not going to feel stalked in my own home, and I was aware that it was so wrong, so absurd that I didn’t want him THAT MUCH. I knew that couple’s therapy would be the end, but I was finally ready. And surely, it took only a month before we were separated, then a week before starting the divorce. Time started moving for me again. There was grief, but also hints of joy that I at first tried to stifle out of guilt. How could I feel joyous about getting divorced? But I did. My sense of freedom widened, as did my group of support, my friends. I began to live again. Time started flying by me as my soul picked up speed. As I changed, as my spirit was freed, so was my body. My body went through an amazing transformation all by itself, just following the fashion of my new perspective, my new hope and joy. I feel the transformation culminated in my trip to Europe. On that trip I lived as the person I now am; I felt no dead weight from my past. I lived completely in the moment without analyzing anything, and felt free and happy and alive, all at the same time. I noticed details like never before. I felt the wind, smelled the city, listened to traffic mingled with foreign tongues. I felt myself feeling. I absorbed the experiences like a sponge, and I am still full, almost overflowing. This is living.

I believe that is a gift my Grandmother gave to me, somehow. The Sunday before her surgery, my birthday actually, she was saying her good-byes to all of us, even though we didn’t know that until later. She knew. She was ready. She wasn’t afraid. I remember so clearly her smooth face, her dark, wet eyes, her smile and little laugh. She hugged me good-bye, then pulled back, her hands still on my shoulders, and just looked at me with brimming eyes and her lips pressed into a smile. She just looked at me, and said softly “Good-bye, honey.” I said something to the effect of everything would be fine, I’d see her Tuesday before her surgery. But she knew. She gave me a birthday card, and it said “My Love Always, Grandmother”. That was very significant, in retrospect. For 26 years I’d gotten her birthday cards signed simply “Love, Grandmother”. Later, after she died, as the family was going through her desk looking for insurance papers, they discovered, rubber-banded together, a stack of birthday cards for everyone else’s birthday for the whole year. Signed and stamped. She knew.

I always think of her when I doubt myself or what I’m doing. I truly feel she would be proud of me. She lived a full, adventurous life in a time when it wasn’t proper to do so, and I know she would have understood bolting from a cage. She made mistakes and learned from them and then made more mistakes, but she lived her life. And I know she was with me too on my trip last year, seeing Europe from my eyes, experiencing my joy, so happy and happy for me. I could feel her.

I finally feel peace about her unexpected (for us) death. There is a reason and a purpose for everything, and I think I know what my lesson was. Do not waste a single day being sad. Live fully. Take care of yourself no matter what others say. Be an independent woman. I feel her strength through me also as I battle my other demons that affect me still. She would tell me to keep going, keep digging, keep fighting, until I find resolution and peace. So I will.

Day by day. Lessons, every day, if you know where to look and how to see.

Interesting I should discover this jewel from my past right when I'm on the brink of drastically uprooting and changing my safe little life... yay, Grandmother! She still sees...

Just another day of lizard-avenging and anti-aging skincare

Yes, so just now I rescued yet another lizard from literally the jaws of death. Piper's jaws, to be specific. Fortunately it looks like I got him before she maimed or punctured him, although the poor thing was heaving like he was having a heart attack. He was an icky brown color when I pulled him away from her, but when I set him outside under the bushes he turned back to a brilliant green, caught his little lizard breath, and scurried off. And the cats are grounded to the indoors for the rest of the afternoon. So, crisis averted. I wonder if Colorado has lizards? Hmmm... and I wonder this because...well, you just never know what's around the corner...[mysterious eyebrow wiggle]

I accepted a freelance gig yesterday that requires me to do writing for a high-end skincare website. A name brand that I am familiar with, that I admire, and that I cannot afford. I almost cackled with glee when they told me the client name, I feel like I've hit my marketing nirvana. Then next week, I'll start freelancing for the company in Denver for which I have been pining. It's all looking and feeling pretty good on this Friday afternoon, and it's about damn time. This time last week I was just not sure at all what I was doing or what I even wanted to do.

I feel like I should have some great weekend plans to top it all off, but I don't have anything planned yet except to madly get my house in order - again. I kind of got unmotivated and left the projects in the dust a month or so ago, but now I need to get moving again....

that is all. for now. check back in 10 minutes or so, the way things have been going, who knows...

...and then there was light.

Can you see it? I can, if I squint and hold my head just so...there it is, a light glow peeking through the darkness. Do you see it now?

I am better. I am taking deep breaths again, feeling alive again, cleaning my house again. I had slumped into the land of "Meh", but i'm clawing my way out, with a little help from the Universe and All That is Holy.

Today I received an email from the agency in Denver I was interested in a couple months ago. The one that seemed so promising, that had me calling my realtor and going through my garage, the one that had me giddy and optimistic. The one that crushed me when I found out the position had been put on hold. Well, it's coming off hold very soon, and they want to talk to me! In fact, they want me to start doing freelance work for them between now and then, to get my feet wet.

I can't even begin to describe how relieved I feel right now. Because everything had been feeling so yucky. I was getting interviews, yes, but I was not swinging from the rooftops proclaiming my love for said companies. No. I was hiding in my house, staring at piles of paper I started to organize a couple of weeks ago, and feeling no motivation to move forward.

I don't know what's on the horizon, but at least I know it will be interesting. Having that job in Denver put on hold allowed me to realize how much I was looking forward to a change. To the mountains. To moving to a new place. So that now, when it might come to fruition, I am not at all doubtful. I know I want to take the chance. I am ready for the change. I am ready for whatever.

AND I landed a freelance job today, here in town. AND a friend of mine, who became unemployed at the same time I did, got a job today. AND Idol comes on in 20 minutes. I'm coasting, people. I might even break out the Target box wine...

meh.

Nothing is all right. Everything is, in fact, all wrong. The balance of my universe is off, and it’s starting to make me dizzy.

First no job. Then no sleep. No money. No interviews. Now the latter three are better, but there’s No BT. He is M.I.A. And his timing couldn’t be worse, because I need some shred of instability to be stable right now, dammit. It wouldn’t be such a big loss if I had, oh, I don’t know – OTHER things going on in my life that make me temporarily forget my plight. But you see, I don’t. I have had only interviews for jobs that are “meh”. I have enough money to pay the bills right now, somehow. I’m even sleeping through the night again. But. A girl needs an outlet, you know? Why does he have to fall off the radar when mine is bleeping out of control??? Not. Fair.

So I watched the Grey’s Anatomy 2-hour season finale tonight, and all I have to say is, wow. That is the best show EVAH. Usually they leave you hanging in some annoying manner at the end of a season, but this one was perfect. Everything happened and everything was in turmoil yet there was some closure, and I sobbed through ¾ of the show, and now it’s over. Yet another end to one of the few things that brings me pleasure nowadays. Yes yes, just send Kleenex®. I’ll be fine.

After a whirlwind week of travel, now the prospect of just slothing around again is not so appealing. I may just bite the bullet and get in my car and drive. Drive and drive and drive. All the way to nowhere. It also occurred to me tonight that I could always go to travelocity right this very minute, buy a ticket to anywhere for tomorrow, and just disappear for a while. God, that sounds so appealing right now. Just leave my pet sitter a blank check and take off. Ahhh, to be young, impetuous and irresponsible. [bitter, ragged sigh]

I want to stop the ride and get off. Not forever, just for a while. Is that so much to ask? IS IT?

yes.

Just, yes. I thought I'd anticipate the questions you might have -- am I doing ok? am I indeed alive? does Jess still sleep on my head? did you miss me terribly?

So I've been pretty low-profile lately, but I have a reason, yes! I have been Travelin' Lisa. It all started last weekend with a trip to Dallas to attend my friend Sarah's wedding. Which was loverly, I might add. Then, inspired by the refreshing-ness of being away from my house, and tired of compulsively checking email and waiting for the phone to ring, I skipped town again on Tuesday to visit two dear friends in Houston. Two dear friends I've been wanting to visit for a looonnnggg time, but for one reason or another, just hadn't made it down there. And of course, the first day I was gone, I received a phone call about setting up an interview on Friday. And I wasn't planning on returning til Saturday. You know the way it goes -- but I'm certainly not complaining about getting an interview!

Besides, the interview was today and it was very intriguing. I left feeling a little excited, a little overwhelmed, but mostly, a little hopeful. So we'll see what happens there -- the CEO said I'd hear "something" on Monday...which is when, incidentally, I have aNOTHER interview somewhere else! Yes people, when it rains it pours. And here is something very important I've learned over the past few days: If you are waiting for something to happen, leave town. It's an offshoot of the "watched pot never boils" theory. Take it from me, it works.

I had lovely, albeit short, visits with my friends and got to meet their most recent chilluns. Muffins, I say! Each of them has had a little girl most recently, and you know, little dresses and pigtails and all that -- MUFFINS. I want to go back again soon to finish my visit with Crazy Momcat, since it got cut short on account of the stupid JOB interview... mutter mutter mutter... haha, just kidding. Job = Good.

Besides all of the above, nothing earth-shattering is going on. I'm back at home, it's trashed and smells like cats, and it looks like I'm leaving tomorrow for an overnight Mother's Day trip to San Antonio. Yes, I'm the Travelin' Lisa. (isn't that a band or something? no? it should be...can you sing?)

My eyes. They suck. And possibly my cats, too.

So this afternoon I took a long, langorous shower. As I stepped out into the steamy bathroom, I saw Jess sitting patiently by the door, so I started cooing and chirping at him. "Hello JESSSSSSS, were you waiting for me? huh? well here I am! You're so handsome, you're such a handsome gray cat..." etc etc. I finally located my glasses on the counter and slipped them on -- to find myself cooing at the t-shirt I had removed right. before. my. shower.

In other news, I have had to retrieve two lizards from the jaws of mis gatos in the past few days -- one was alive and one -- not so much. I tell myself he might have just been dazed...I mean, lizards are cold anyway, right??? I can't really punish los gatos, because you know, they're cats. They proudly brought both acquisitions right to me in the house in expectation of the requisite praise. In retrospect, it probably confused them when I pried their jaws open, took their prey, and yelled "ASSHOLES" as I flew through the house to put the lizard back outside. And ban the kitties from anymore outside until tomorrow. But, really, what are you gonna do? See Babs's similar experience...

Ahh, the exciting life of unemployment. Hopefully that will change soon...

In the moment. Well, yesterday's moment...

I wrote this last night but didn't post it. Let me note that I'm only posting it now because I feel better today, and I think it's important for me to chronicle this weird time in my life, the ups and downs. So:

Today was a blur. Not because I was so busy, but because I was so…not busy. I’ve read three novels in the past day and a half. I just realized the reason: it is more preferable to be in a fantasy world, the world inside a book, someone else’s story, than in my purgatory existence right now. I am numb. I am reclusive. I am not hungry. Not tired. Not sleeping. Not talking to many people. Not blogging. There is confusion about everything, it’s like I can’t do anything but doubt myself anymore. Did I suck at my job? Is that why they laid me off? Were they relieved to have a reason to let me go? Can I even write at all? Am I just spinning my wheels in advertising, and can I exist in this industry with all the unknowns and instability?

Will I ever feel “in love” again? Will I ever feel my heart leap at a phone call or an email from someone with potential? I honestly can’t remember that feeling. Right now all I can feel is this emptiness, this numbness, this self-doubt. I feel like everything I say is boring. That’s why I haven't been blogging, because I have nothing interesting to say.

I’m reading a memoir right now. About a woman’s dysfunctional childhood. I love reading these books for some reason; I never get tired of hearing others’ horrors of childhood and how they overcame them to become something, someone. To write a book. To be interesting enough for a complete stranger to want to read about one’s life. Like a blog, only on a giant scale.

Will I ever be a mother? Do I even want this? My body is so out of whack that my period hasn’t started this month; I don’t know how long it has been, and I don’t care. I don’t feel different, though; I just figure my body is on hold too; holding its breath to see wtf is going on here before regaining normal function. Then again, the way I feel right now is very PMS-esque…

I feel raw, I feel fragile. I feel fat, although I seem to still be shrinking. I feel sluggish. I cannot sleep to save my life. I’ve tried wine, I’ve tried sleeping aids, I’ve tried hot baths at 2am – nothing, my mind will not turn off. I think this is why I keep reading, devouring stories, ripping through book after book – to keep my mind from spinning out of control, considering all the possibilities and comparing them with bleak reality.

Today I made myself leave the house for the first time in 48 hours. I walked to the mailbox and back. Yippee for me. It felt good, though. Right now, right this moment, I would love to go outside and walk around my neighborhood in the pre-storm wind, smelling the coming rain, feeling the thunder before I can hear it. But I have this bizarre fear that a neighbor will call the police, thinking someone is creeping around ready to break into houses or something, since the pod people that live in my neighborhood (including myself) tend to not go outside after 6pm. It’s a ghost town out there. And now it’s after 2am, and I finally want to walk. I want to breathe in the air and feel the wind. Instead, I write this stream of consciousness crap, trying to purge my soul so perhaps I can rest.

I’m going to go take a bath with wine and maybe by dawn I’ll be exhausted enough to rest. Perhaps.

on feeling old

Okaaayyy, I'm guessing no one dug the iTunes game in my previous post. Oh well.

I haven't been in the mood to blog. Or to socialize. Or to leave my house, for that matter. Yes, this has been lone lisa week.

The job I was all excited about in Denver? Got put on hold. They probably won't need someone til the 4th quarter. Um, that's September. God help me if I'm still unemployed by then. So we're back to the drawing board. And right now, the drawing board is blank.

I've been mulling over some stuff that is both career-related and bleak. It is based on something my mother said the other night; we were talking about my job hunt, and I said how no matter where I work, I am prone to get restless and bored after a couple of years. I've just always been that way. Anyway, she said something to the effect of "...but won't your age become a problem because as you get older it will be harder to find jobs because they'll want to hire young people straight out of school? chirp chirp?" Yes, leave it to Mom.

So today, I've been obsessing about that. Is it true? Am I screwing myself? Do I need to just find a comfy place to work, somewhere "stable" (read: boring), and just sit it out until retirement?? What am I thinking, that I can change jobs every 2-3 years until I'm 60? That thought more than terrifies me -- it paralyzes me. Not the changing jobs part, but the working til I'm 60 part.

Then I started thinking about money. Like, most people who change jobs end up getting some kind of raise. Raise, stock options, something. But it hit me -- there must be a ceiling at some point, right? When does this happen? Which then brought me back to my mom's comment of being too "old" to hire. Do you see where my mind has been all day? And there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop the aging process or inflation, so does that mean I'm destined to be destitute at some point??? I almost feel like I need to resurrect the old fantasy I used to have about marrying a big, strong, breadwinner who would take care of me forever and ever. But that thought now makes me want to throw up a little in my mouth.

cough.

So yes, we're feeling ooohhhhh sooooo positive and confident and experienced today. We're feeling sought-after and relaxed in this holding pattern. So what if I can't put my house on the market unless I have a job? Who cares that I have all this time but too much personal responsibility to go spend a month in Europe when I have no income? Where did all my bravado go??

The obvious answer is that I simply need to write a bestselling novel. Soon. I need to become a female Stephen King or a talented Danielle Steele. I need to prolifically pop out another best-seller every year or so until I die.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

name that tune

It's not that I have nothing to blog about, but I am feeling lazy and I saw this meme-ish thing on a random blog I visited and thought it was cool, so...I thought I'd hi-jack it. If you like it, knock yourself out! It seems like it will be fun. Here goes:

Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question. Post on your blog. Comment back if you post it on your site.

~Will I get far in life?
Utopia - Alanis Morissette (huh?)

~How do my friends see me?
Love Don't Cost a Thing - J Lo

~Where will I get married?
Such Reveries - Duncan Sheik

~What is my best friend’s theme song?
She Really Loved Him - Mike Figgis

~What is the story of my life?
Hanging on the Telephone - Blondie (Heh)

~What was high school like?
Superman (It's not Easy) - Five for Fighting (so true)

~How can I get ahead in life?
Plenty - Sarah McLachlan

~What is the best thing about me?
God is Watching You - Paula Cole (whoa. heavy.)

~How is today going to be?
I Was Hoping - Alanis Morissette

~What is in store for this weekend?
I'm With You - Avril Lavigne (o yeah baby)

~What song describes my parents?
You Can Still Rock in America - Night Ranger (hehe)

~My grandparents?
You Just Need a Home - Lucy Kaplansky (hm)

~How is my life going?
Heiwa (Peace) - Hiroshima

~What song will they play at my funeral?
Secret of the Sea - Anggun

~How does the world see me?
On the Breath of an Angel - Anggun

~Will I have a happy life?
Physical - Olivia Newton-John (I take it this is a good thing?)

~What do my friends really think of me?
Ironic - Alanis Morisette (interesting...)

~Do people secretly lust after me?
You're a God - Vertical Horizon (I guess that's a yes?)

~How can I make myself happy?
It Could Be Sweet - Portishead (ooh la la)

~What should I do with my life?
Precious Things - Tori Amos

~Will I ever have children?
7 - Moby (holy mother of God)

~What is some good advice?
Back in Baby's Arms - Patsy Cline

~What is my signature dancing song?
I'm Deranged - Trent Reznor (awesome)

~What do I think my current theme song is?
Ridiculous - Nicholas Cage

~What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Parting Gift - Fiona Apple (au revoir, people ;)

~What type of men/women do you like?
Walking - Jonatha Brooke (okaaaaaay...)

Well, that was somewhat interesting and somewhat weird. If you decide to do it, leave me a comment so I can link to you.

where i succumb to the meme

Since I have nothing new with which to dazzle you all, I will take up the challenge posed by Crazy Momcat. The task: to list six weird things about myself. This should be ... really, really hard, because i'm quite weird. Only six??
Here goes:

1. Before bed, I have to put a thick layer of lotion on my...feet. Or else I can't sleep. Just my feet. That's right, although I am an admitted bath and body junkie, the only place on my body I am lotion-obsessed about is my feet. Although my mom has told me my Grandmother had the same quirk -- so THERE!

2. I have a perhaps unhealthy penchant for the grisly. That is, I love crime dramas on tv and in books -- the more disturbing, the better. That isn't to say I like violence, there's a big difference. I just have a fascination with ... hmm. Grisly crimes.

3. I hate lettuce.

4. I let a 23-lb cat tell me when to feed him, catnip him, and let him in the backyard. And I obey.

5. I must wear lipstick if I am anywhere but at my own home. I can go bare faced and messy haired, no problem with that -- but I Must. Have. Lipstick. And -- I don't think this is odd but my friends do -- I don't need a mirror to apply it perfectly. Even if it's bright red.

6. While I am deadly afraid/grossed out by insects of any kind, reptiles don't bother me. I have no problem handling lizards, frogs, even snakes -- well, as long as I know the snake isn't harmful. (I have a fond memory of a summer at Canyon Lake when I was about 12, chasing my "best friend" around with a green garden snake. It was tres cool. All the boys thought I was rad.)

picture it

It is almost 2am and I'm wide awake, propped up in bed, laptop precariously balanced on a pillow on my lap, while I attempt to rub off the smudge of melted chocolate chip I just found on the inside of my elbow. oops. The hazards of eating chocolate in bed...

So I am now seriously dangling over the precipice that is my life, staring downward with wide eyes, heart pounding in my throat, waiting for the moment I know must be just around the corner...waiting...still waiting.... patience has never been my strong suit. And I can't really do much to speed it up, either. I must calm down and trust that the signs will continue to lead me in the right direction, the way I am supposed to go. In the meantime I wear out the Refresh button on my email, maniacally checking for new messages every 2 minutes.

But I have found something that makes me feel better, like I'm at least doing something towards preparing for what will surely be a quick turnaround when the time does come: packing. Not necessarily packing to move, but packing away crap I don't need. Putting knick knacks in boxes so when my house shows, it will look bigger, cleaner, less cluttered. I tackled my office today. Everything but the desk, which is tomorrow's project. There aren't many things that suck more than going through old dusty stacks of paper. Old bills you can't bring yourself to just toss for fear of handing out your identity, old checkbooks (what do you DO with those?? you can't store them forever), a few stray Christmas ornaments. My desk is a cornucopia of wonders, and I can hardly wait to see what else I find as I continue the excavation. BUT. The rest of my office is looking pretty good. The room looks bigger without all the stuff piled up on the floor everywhere, go figure. And as soon as I cleared off my chaise-lounge-style futon, Jess gamely jumped up on it, sniffed around, and settled in for a long catnap.

In other news, I finished one novel this morning and am close to finishing a different one tonight. I'm on a serious roll, catching up with all my trashy reading for the past few years.

Well, that's about all I have right now. I'm going to go check my email (because I'm sure that agency in Denver might send me a message at 1am their time) and attempt to sleep before dawn.

that is all.

wanderlust

Europe speaks to me. It always has. There was a period in my life when I made a point to go every year. I felt like I was living day-to-day life in a haze, just trying to survive until the next time I could be away, over there. Just thinking of it, I go into a trance. Just now, I was looking at pictures of European real estate – and there it was, that familiar trance – where I’m staring at a picture (or recalling a memory) and my eyes go out of focus and my imagination takes over…and I’m there. I’m feeling how I would feel if I was there at that moment in time. I am fortunate in that I’ve been in some of the most amazing places in the world. Throughout all my travels, there are specific, pivotal moments I can pick out, snapshots I took in my mind. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not. Snapshots not only of how it looked at that moment, but how it felt, smelled, tasted, sounded.

And just like I can stare at a good painting and lose myself in it, in the story, in the emotion, in the details, I can do that simply from closing my eyes and picturing a quiet Paris street at 4am on New Year’s Day. Or sleepy Venice, and the way the sun hit the tops of the buildings as we trudged through cobblestone streets looking for our hotel. The skinny, aloof Italian alley cats. The way the narrow street echoed with children’s voices on Christmas morning in Barcelona. I can smell it. I can see it, I can feel it, I can breathe it. This is when I feel most alive. When I am traveling, I am so aware of these moments that it feels ultra-vivid, almost electric. Everything is bright, my mind recording everything that it can, to pull out and relive over and over again on a warm April night in Texas.

I can tick off those moments in my mind. The first time my feet touched the sidewalk in Paris. The first time I saw the Eiffel Tower. The first time I stood outside the train station in Venice and beheld the canal. The moment in that Paris apartment where a drunken Parisian girl followed me into the gigantic bathroom and hissed to me, in perfect English, “my boyfriend just gave me back my panties in front of my husband – what should I do??” Standing on the frail wooden bridge in Bavaria staring at the impossibly beautiful castle before me. Aware of the long, long drop beneath my feet. Keenly aware of the fragility of life and how we must take it all in. We must soak up as much as we can while we are here.

Which brings me to this thought: what in the world am I doing? Why am I even still here, in Austin, in Texas, much less the United States?? I feel like my real self is across the ocean. I can live life when I’m over there, in the moment, but for some reason, something holds me back when I’m here. I’m overwhelmed with a sadness at the time that I’ve wasted, and how much more I will waste, until I can quit thinking of it as an unattainable dream and just GO.

What freaks me out, and what we used to think about upon returning from our journeys, is that somewhere in Austin there is an Italian girl who considers this her nirvana. She traveled over the ocean, in the opposite direction, and feels alive here, as opposed to the stale green rolling hills and the beautiful, lilting dialogue of Italy.

And to that, I ask: WTF?

Of course, there are places in the U.S. that have moved me, and I have certainly not seen every place. But these places are missing the most important factor: distance. When I behold beauty in my own country vs. across the ocean, it lacks the sense of mystery, the sense of different, the sense of the exotic. The flaw is in the simple fact that I am not far, far away from everyday problems. Away from “real” life.

So why do I have to cross an ocean to feel like myself? To really enjoy life? To feel alive? Why can’t I capture that feeling here? Why do I feel stale and stuck here, but weightless and full of possibility there? Why do I let moments, days, weeks, even years slide by here, uneventful, as opposed to cherishing every second while in a different land?

Or is this just the normal thing that everyone feels, the yearning to live life constantly on vacation? Why do I feel like it’s more than that?

Geez, I need to plan a killer vacation, and soon. Or maybe, just pick up and move my life to another state. Hm...

mind numbing

I am so fucking bored. Yes, i said the f-word on Easter. I don't know what's wrong with me, but i'm jumping out of my skin. Everyone is busy but me, I have left what seems like dozens of voice-mail messages for people; my house is clean so nothing is hanging over my head; I'm not sleepy; there's nothing on tv, but even if there was I can't sit still. I tried to watch Sex and the City, but only made it through a few episodes. I feel like running around and doing jumping jacks, but there's not really enough space for that. And going outside -- well, it's hotter than hell out there. I'm hot just sitting still in my house. The bottom line is, I'm right there on the precipice of THINGS, major THINGS in my life, and there is not one damn thing I can do about it right now. Nothing. I've made lists. Now I'm trying to stay busy burning the last of my CD collection onto iTunes so I can pack up my CDs and get them out of my living room. Woo-hoo, it's almost too exciting to bear, people.

Messing with my CD collection stresses me out, anyway; I have the pile of "I SHOULD burn these to my computer, but I never listen to them; but they're part of my collection and if I pack them i'll NEVER listen to them; but I don't want to waste space on the ipod, yadda yadda...". Then there's the pile of "I hate these, I don't know why I have them." There are about 10 "undecideds", where I can see maybe at some point in my future wanting to hear a song, but is it worth taking the time and space to rip them? AAAGGHHH! This is what I'm doing to entertain myself. And I'm not that entertained. I'm sure you're not. Oh wait, you're not reading this, because everyone on the planet seems to have plans today!!!

Yes, I could have had plans. I had invitations, but the truth is, I'm not that into Easter unless I can be around my nephews. As much as I feel like talking to my friends today, I wasn't really in the mood to hang out with anyone. Does that make any sense?? Probably not.

Ok, WHY do some CDs take forever to rip while others are over in a minute? I don't get it.

I'm going insane. I'm not hungry, either. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. If I didn't have shit going on this week i'd jump in my car and head to Colorado right this minute. But GAHHHHH, i'm in a holding pattern.

that is all. this might be the suckiest blog entry ever. but hey, it killed a few minutes. if you're there, call me -- i'm B O R E D !!!

things are afoot

well things are definitely happening, the universe is in motion. I have this overwhelming sense that my world is about to be rocked. there have been little tremors up until now, but i got some news tonight about a job lead in Denver that could bring on a full-fledged earthquake. it is happening, people! the only thing I asked for were clear signs to lead me in the right direction, and boy howdy -- they're rolling in :)

not to be mysterious, but well, i'm going to be mysterious until i know more. but it might actually happen. i might actually be moving. this is a shake-up of mammoth proportions, and i intend to enjoy every bit of it! putting on my seatbelt now...

...more soon...

boyfriend update

Ok ok, don't get all excited -- of course i'm talking about my jess. my ever-loyal, loves-me-unconditionally, adoring to the point of annoyance, more cushion for the pushin, gorgeous gray cat. I bring you evidence of his fine-ness:



and



See how he glows? See how shiny and gray he is? See his ripply girth? See how much free time I have on my hands???

(and, see the little wooden box on the shelf of the bookcase behind him? that's Meggie.)

But no worries, tomorrow I actually have a purpose and a goal. (yes, both.) I am meeting with a couple of recruiters in the afternoon, one for Austin and one for Denver. Let the games begin. Am I any more clear on what I'm doing now than I was a month ago? No. But. I am no longer completely overwhelmed at the thought of moving. I've even been poking around on the internet, looking at housing options, and I am realizing that I SOOOO need a change of scenery. Even if I end up staying in Austin for now, I'm ready to get out of this house. It has served me well, but I'm bored. And I H.A.T.E. the yard. I'm so sick of it. I want more indoor space and less outdoor space. And a view of the mountains wouldn't be bad... not bad at all...

Anyway, the realtor meeting is Friday, so between now and then I need to get my house looking less...bachelorette-ish. It's not dirty, it's just messy. Um, yeah. My brother and his wife are also staying with me Friday night, so that's another reason to clean. My office is a disaster. Maybe I'll start there. I was going to go to Target and buy a bunch of plastic storage boxes, but then I looked around and realized I really just need a bunch of trash bags. Goodwill, here I come. Again.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately (go figure) and it seems other people are full of deep thoughts and thoughtful insights, whereas all I can manage right now is the "hello, I'm alive and broke" entries. I guess it's a phase, I hope it's a phase. I'm searching my brain for insights, but I have...none. Not right now. Not many deep thoughts beyond how I'm going to pay the next bill. But believe me, as soon as I have a deep thought, I'll surely share it with my lovely Internet friends.

For now, au revoir -- i'm going to slug another glass of Target box wine (shut up, don't judge me, you probably have a job) and try to put myself to bed before 2am...

bits -n- pieces

I have not updated because I didn't think I had anything interesting to write about lately. However, after a short IM conversation with Babs today, I discovered maybe some of what's been going on is somewhat interesting. Or maybe not. But whatever, here goes - hold on to your hats people, it's all very exciting:

1. I [Heart] Taylor on AI.
2. I'm averaging one mystery novel every 2 days.
3. I've become bored with sleep. Also, did you know that when you're bored out of your mind, your dreams are even boring??? S.U.C.K.
4. My realtor is coming over Friday to look at my house and talk about putting it on the market in the near future. This is the third time I've had her do this in the past 4 years, but I think it might stick this time.
5. I am meeting with a recruiter on Thursday. I am also going to meet her Denver counterpart, who will just happen to be in the office on the same afternoon. Tres interesting, no?
6. I'm joining my parents and my sis at my dad's yearly VHPA reunion over July 4th - this year in D.C.
7. ...unless I'm married to Rocco and living in Italy by July 4.
8. i accidentally napped through Grey's Anatomy Sunday night and am plagued with the thought that I missed something pivotal. But i'm too scared to ask anyone.
9. I was sleepy Sunday night because Sarah was in town over the weekend and we ate a lot, drank bellinis at her bridal shower a lot, and gossiped a lot. ExHAUSTing. ;)
10. Last night i had a vivid dream in which my sistah had a baby GIRL. This is what happens when one's mind is not stimulated enough during waking hours...
11. During the past week, I have reconnected with two dear friends with whom I hadn't been in touch for quite a while. It feels awesome.

If I think of anything else, I'll letcha know...

On becoming my mother

I said it would never happen. Not that my mom is dreadful or anything, I just thought I was always going to be young and hip. But as I was propped up on a pile of pillows in bed last night, reading a mystery novel about 2 inches from my face, flanked by cats, a box of kleenex parked next to me, it hit me. O.M.G.

It's occurred to me before, but not as blatently. Sometimes I'll say something in a certain way and think "ACK - mom expression" -- but this, this is out of control.

More evidence: my bedside table is way cluttered. There is a pile of at least 7 books I either haven't started or started and never finished. Bottles of lotion and lip balm. An empty water glass. A candle. A cat. No wonder I have trouble waking up early these days, my alarm clock is literally buried. And if you open the top drawer of the table, you will find an arsenal of prescription drugs, more lotion, more lip balm -- you get the idea. MOM.

Of course the obvious difference is I am not a mom at all. Or even married. I am a single cat lady who loves Target and TJ Maxx and American Idol. I have an iPod and drive a Toyota. I have a messy home. Wait, i'm my mom again (just kidding MOM).

It is times like these that I wonder if there's something wrong with me that I'm content to read a mystery in bed with my cats as opposed to DATING. I have to say, I'm just not in the mood to "date". Dating sucks. The quasi-relationship I am in is just fine for me. I keep waiting to get starry eyed and yearn for more or something, but it doesn't seem to be happening. THEN I wonder, am I going to be satisfied in 10 years? Because by then my baby options will be pretty much over, even if I'm part of a couple. Am I just being lazy? Should I try harder? But...I just don't FEEL like it. I like being alone. I like the company of my cats, who are generally quiet and accepting and affectionate with no strings (except catnip, which I can deal with). I have a million other excuses -- my weight, my unemployment, my hair -- but it all boils down to this: I'm content with my single life and not in the mood to shake things up.

So for now I will remain propped up in my queen-sized bed, just the right size to accommodate myself and 32-lbs. worth of juicy cats. I will keep pushing through my stack of books and using copious amounts of kleenex. Maybe I will be inspired at some point, but for now, this is just fine. MOM. :)

Draculita checks in

So the tranformation is complete: I am almost entirely nocturnal now. sigh. I go from feeling anxious about it to wondering why I feel anxious about it because it's not like I have a set schedule right now. And I figure hey, at least i'm not sleeping in a coffin... yet.

So, things that have happened since I last checked in:

=I babysat for Tam's awesome kiddos Saturday night
=I've applied for more jobs, both here and in CO (yes, I took the initial plunge...)
=I've discovered that either my house has a water leak somewhere or the utility co. is screwing with me b/c my water bill has been getting increasingly outrageous for the past 3 months
=I've rescued the first lizard of spring from Piper -- she was chasing it around in my laundry pile earlier and I caught it and put it back outside. I figure i'll give the lizard a headstart and not let the cats back out for a few hours.
=I finally got my iTunes moved from my iPod to my new iBook -- no easy feat, and I ended up having to use an unauthorized-by-Apple utility to do it, but all is well and good now.

That's about...it. My to-do list isn't shrinking, so maybe tomorrow i'll attempt to reset my internal clock and have more hours of daylight in which to be productive. ahem.

Also, thanks to Sarah for sending me more pictures from my recent CA trip:

The newest installment in an ongoing series of late-night ramblings

The night is definitely the hardest part. By nighttime, I am full of regret for things I didn’t do that day; full of guilt at not eating right lately; and full of fear that I won’t get a job, that no one will hire me, that no one will even call me for an interview. It’s very strange, troublesome, that I am sort of “competing” for the same jobs with several of my friends right now. It makes me uncomfortable, but what are you going to do? It’s a very weird time. I wonder if it’s a mid/late-30s thing. BT finally got a job, after almost a year since he quit his last one. Not counting the months he spent in NM. He starts on Monday. He has mixed feelings – relief and dread. I so get it – I think that’s how I’ll feel too. Because of course I know logically that I will get another job. I am definitely not freaking out during this bout of unemployment like I did 5 years ago, so that’s better. So I will be a little sad when things go back to routine. Then again, I suppose it will be a different routine no matter what it is or where it is. Which brings me to the big question: where to go? Right now I’ve only applied to jobs in Austin. There are several jobs in Colorado that I’m qualified for, but I haven’t taken that plunge yet. I feel like once I submit my resume in another state, the can of worms has been opened. And that makes me feel both excited and panicky.

I had a very vivid dream last night that I had decided, definitively, that I was going to move to CO. And I felt this huge freedom, this immense sense of relief. And no fear. And even while still dreaming, I was cognizant of the fact that it was a dream, but maybe I would feel better about everything when I woke up. And I did, but the fear was back. I have spent the last 12 years building a life in Austin. I have roots here. I have a home, I have friends that are like family. I have a network of career contacts. I have a LIFE. Then why am I so intrigued at the thought of starting over? I have felt brief sparks of that excited twinge I get when I think about moving into a new place – how cool it is to change environments, to change up routine. I would be close to my nephews. I could build a life in Denver. But in 12 years, I’ll be 48 (GASP) and I don’t want to be aimless way into my 40s, still trying to find my way in the world.

Then there’s the forbidden option, the scariest idea of all, and the one that of course tantalizes me late at night, making a mess of my guts. There is the sell-it-all-and-move-to-Europe option. Worry about getting a job when I get there. Besides the obvious logistical problems of, well, selling everything, there’s also the issue of my kitties, who I couldn’t see leaving behind. And when I start thinking about the details of making it happen, I get anxious and tired and flip on NYPD Blue (because it comes on Court TV at 3am, did you know??) and blitz out until I fall into a fitful sleep. And the next morning (and it’s getting to be late morning, these days) I feel fresh again, and hopeful, and optimistic. And then the whole process begins again. Until I arrive here the next night, at 2:30am, obsessing and blogging, blogging and obsessing. Again.

I don’t even know if this makes sense. At least I don’t feel paralyzed this week; I finished updating my resume and started sending it out, so that’s progress. I want to start planning for my CO trip, but that’s delving into the forbidden can of worms…

…but of all insects, I suppose worms are pretty innocuous. Worms aren’t so bad, are they?

[aside; seemed like a nice little closing statement when I typed it, until my restless, tired mind reached into the depths of my memory to Friday Fright Night in Kansas in the late 70s. Every Friday there was a different horrible horror movie and the worst one of all still haunts me: Squirm. If you haven’t seen it…well I don’t know what to tell you. I really wish I could forget…]

fucking worms.