Do not fear the pineapple.

Tonight I stood at my kitchen island, barefoot on the cool hardwood floor, cat at my elbow, cutting up a pineapple. This is significant for a couple of reasons: One, I've recently started slowly replacing chocolate and peanut butter with fresh fruit -- not an easy or unremarkable task. In my life, kind of a big deal. And two, because I realized I had never before, in my 15 years as a single woman, cut up a pineapple. "How is this possible?" I wondered, followed immediately by, "...and how the hell do I know what I'm doing?" Because I don't know if you've noticed, but cutting up a pineapple is not intuitive. I realized that while I have not, myself, ever held knife to pineapple, I have watched more than one man do the deed before me, while I have sat, elbows on the counter, wide-eyed and impressed. W.T. ever-loving-F.??

Then I started thinking about what else I've never done for myself, that I most certainly could. I've never shoveled snow. I've lived in Colorado for almost five years, through five winters, and I've never scraped a snow shovel on my own driveway. Could I? Well, I'm sure I could! But...why, when I could simply implore a man to do it, or better yet, live somewhere with snow removal included in the rent? I'm sure there are many other such things in life of which I am more than capable, but for one reason or another, I've always depended on others to fulfill. Aaaaaaand that's how a simple post about the pleasure of slicing fruit turns into something too deep to tackle on a Monday night.

So for now, I leave you with this thought: Just what else might you be capable of?

long time gone.

So. I have been gone a while, from this blog. You could even say, from life, overall. I have not been present, really. I have been living inside of myself, floundering around, taking stock, occasionally reaching outward for help, but most of the time not... The past two years of my life have been perhaps the hardest ever. And in a lot of ways, I have faced them alone. Not because I have not been surrounded by the love of my friends, not because I did not have access to help, but because I chose to keep a lot of it buried inside. Not all -- there has been ugliness for all to see, and some to comment on, even gloat over. But for the most part, it has been a personal battle I've been fighting. As much as I do share, I keep more hidden.

That said, I would not still be here if not for the support of many, and you know who you are. If this all sounds very cryptic -- sorry, that's the way it is for now. I don't think anyone even reads this blog anymore, and honestly, I'm not altogether sure I will keep it alive. I am not quite sure why I'm here now, except that I'm sitting in the dark, at my little townhome, a cat purring on my feet, watching winter out the window, and feeling contemplative as the holidays encroach. And I don't know about you, but the holidays always make me think back upon the past year. Thank God I am in a very different place than this time last year. A much better place. Alone. But better.

This time last year I felt anything but merry. And not that I'm jumping for joy this December, but at least I'm no longer up late googling "how to change your identity and start over" or "how to run away". The chaos is not over yet, but one way or another, I should be able to put it all behind me come Christmas.

I say I'm alone this year, but really, I'm not. I may be living alone (and thank God for that), but I am not alone in my heart. It's ironic, really, that last year, I was surrounded by many, in my own house, but had never felt so alone. Ever. This year, it's me and Piper, and we're doing just fine. I do not feel lonely at all. Last year I felt despair. This year I -- almost, at least -- feel hope.

It will take a while for my finances to heal, for some damaged relationships to right themselves, but at least my heart is intact, even full. I am grateful for that. And I have those friends and family who have stood with me through all of it. There are also those that haven't, but then again, I hid a lot of what was going on. Even those who know "everything"? Don't. And probably never will.

This past year I have been despondent. Humiliated. Horrified. Indignant. Enraged. Morose. But I'm still holding my head up, moving forward.

Hooray for that.

The Great Turning, by Jennifer Lauck

Note: This was written by Jennifer Lauck, an author who I greatly admire. It spoke to me, so I am sharing it. I am re-posting it from her blog. Maybe it will speak to you, too...

When your life becomes unbearable to you, it is inevitable you will turn inward. You can medicate or distract yourself, for a while, but eventually these alternatives will become unbearable as well.

Then you will turn inward and examine your choices, your experiences, your history and your culture.

There is no easy way to do this turning. In fact, it might be the hardest thing you will ever do. This is because your turning will be aggravating those who know you. They will be inconvenienced. They will not understand. They might even accuse you of being crazy, cruel and/or selfish. This is because you are now paying attention to yourself and not them. Yes, that will be upsetting.

But none of what they say or even believe matters in the end because, in the end, someone will pay the highest price for your unbearable life, if it goes unexamined, and that person will be you.

honestly.

I don't know if i'll post this. But I need to say it. I have SO MUCH I could be saying right now, getting it out of my body and out into the universe, but I am constantly censoring myself. And I'm not sure why; I didn't used to have a problem putting my inner thoughts out into the Internet-sphere! Read the archives if you don't believe me! But now that I think about it, I do know when this self-censoring started. It started when I became a couple. Like, for reals. When I merged my life with R's, I began holding back on this blog. I think I did it naturally at first, out of a misguided sense of respect, maybe? Privacy? But see, blogging and privacy don't exactly go together. And I was honest with him, from the start -- he knew I had a blog, and he thought it was cool. Maybe that was the problem; maybe I didn't want to share my deep inner thoughts with him before he knew me better? I don't even know anymore. I just know that I feel like I'm going to explode these days, and it's not fair to burden just R with all of this shite all the time. So! Aren't you excited??? Here goes!! (aside: not to knock the cute kitty photo blogs, i know my cats are cute and fascinating and all, but srsly).

As I write this, R is at a job interview. A very important one. One that he wants, one that would be very good for us. One that he would actually enjoy. So naturally, he was nervous yesterday after it was set, and very restless last night, and then this morning, instead of looking in his earnest brown eyes and telling him confidently that he ROCKED and that he would be GREAT and NAIL the interview, that they would LOVE him like I do, instead? I suggested he change his tie. erm. Worst Fiancee Ever Award? Right here.

The interview is supposed to last until about 4:30. So we're about 2 1/2 hours in at this point. And I haven't heard from him, which is good, right?? RIGHT??? anyway.

If you hadn't gathered, things are pretty grim these days, in the area of employment. For both of us. At least he has bites, though. I do have a contract coming, one I flew to TX to train for last week, but it will probably be at least a week before I get the actual work. Even then, it's not full-time or self-supporting, but damn, it's SOMETHING. I so wish I could somehow enjoy my state of unemployment, you know? Why is it that throughout life, you have either money or time, but never both? God, I could be having SUCH a great time if only I had money right now. Do I miss my stressful day job? Hell no! But I sure miss the regular paycheck. And the awesome co-workers. So there's that.

Also, I'm not sure when exactly I became such a pessimist, but man. I can't seem to find the bright side of things these days. And I'm still rather pissed about the outcome of American Idol. Adam was robbed. Nothing against Kris, really, he has almost-equal airtime on my ipod these days. I just don't think he should have won. Because AI is important, people.

and that is all.

Antics in the forbidden zone

This post is primarily about Bella. Bella, the sweet muffincakes who has turned our semi-harmonious cat-family into a den of chaos and mayhem.

For example, Bella likes to hide where she's not supposed to be.
Do you see her? Let me give you a hint: look carefully among the FRESHLY FOLDED SHEETS AND TOWELS:

It's a good thing she's cute.

We have also managed to catch another of her favorite activities on film, and our sudden and stern presence (with a camera) did nothing to stem her fierce determination.



While you can see a glimpse of Hank's tail in photo #1, he would like everyone to know he had NOTHING to do with these shenanigans. NOTHING.

Wild kingdom, CO-style

This spring, we made a very wise investment: a $14.99 birdfeeder from Target. This investment has provided many a cheap thrill and much low-cost entertainment via what we have deemed "Kitteh TV", a/k/a the drama that unfolds outside the back door, as viewed from the cat perch.

Besides the obvious, birds, we have a baby bunny...


This never fails to bring a smile to Hank's face.

But then tonight, we got a new visitor...

He thought he was being pretty sneaky...

But then he realized he was being watched.


We don't want to wait and see who wins this one. We have little kids bordering our yard on all sides, so we might need to nip this one in the bud.

Any ideas???

lazy sunday: check

We did nothing today, really, and I'm just fine with that. Yesterday was busy; we drove to the Springs, visited the step grandkids, then went to the home of K&K for dinner and disco dancing. SRSLY. There were homemade margs (thanks, K1!) and loud rave music (thanks, K2!) and dancing and -- ouch, I can still feel it in odd parts of my anatomy, but it was fuuuuun. We also received a very thorough demo of the Wii Fit (thanks, K2!) and I can't wait to have an income again so I can get me one!

So comparatively, today was tame. My body is a little bit sore and my mind is a little bit bored. I have nothing interesting to report. Dinner is in the oven. I clipped coupons. I made juice in my juicer. I brushed 2 of the 3 kittehs. See, those things just aren't that bloggable, so I guess I'll go now. I'm really just trying to stay in the habit of blogging, as i know how easily it can fall by the wayside. Until then...